Grade A Fuck Up.

It took four years for me to discover this.

2011-11-27T17:11:00.002+08:00

Thursday, October 18, 2007

Ingrate, I know.

At what point do you tell someone to cut the bullshit and just be his/herself?

What many people do not know about me is that I am very damn observant- to the point where the anal alarm starts to go off. It's worked well for me for years now, this particular trait, and today, once again, it continues to work its magic.

I believe in leaving certain things to fate, but there are a few things that I know better than to take risks with. Its funny coming from me, you may say. I am, after all, Ratu Risk Taking Dare Devil Dorcas, as Claudia and Nani will have you know. But years of getting my heart broken leaves me with no choice but to take extra precaution when it comes to that- matters of the heart.

This shit is starting to sound so lame already. Jesus.

This is where it gets sporadic, random and even more lame.

The person I see is.... sweet without trying to give me diabetes, manja without threatening his masculinity, caring without being suffocating, simple without being complacent, smart without being obnoxious and beautiful both inside and out.

Simply put, he sweeps me off my motherfucking feet and there's not much I wouldn't do for him.

Strong words coming from someone who's spent most of her life being fiercely guarded against such strong display of emotions, but even I am not dumb enough to let someone so amazing slip past me just for the sake of playing it cool.

But sometimes, I wonder if... the person I'm with is the person he really is. On most days, the answer is a yes. In fact, I'm pretty damn sure he's not fucking around with me because when he says certain things, I don't just hear it, you know? I feel it. And he turns me into this B-grade high school romance flick actress who giggles and twirls her hair for no rhyme or reason, and I know nothing that is... fake can have that kind of an effect on me.

Or maybe I just don't know myself at all.

Amidst all that supposed angst that people who barely even know him can accuse him of, I see someone who, despite his own assurances, is still unsure of who he really is, and what his beliefs really are. That scares me, because I see such an amazing person and my heart breaks at the thought of him.... succumbing to the image of him that people have in mind.

He doesnt really know this but I don't share his beliefs on the one issue that... got us talking in the first place. He probably never noticed this, but as much as I laugh at the things he writes about, I have never said a word in rally of his cause because... I don't have an opinion as far as that is concerned. This is not to say I disagree with him, of course, but I know that right now, I'm not ready to form an opinion about something that I feel... doesn't really affect me. Pardon how uncaring that came out.

But I practice tolerance because.. his cause is a good one, and it is done tastefully. I do, however, feel he needs to sort out his delivery before anything, because he is sending mixed signals and confusing even people like myself. You know, people with an IQ of like, 500.

Reading his older entries, which were dated not more than a few months back makes me wonder if it is indeed written by that same person, because some of the things said just didn't quite go well with whatever opinion I' feel I know about him and what he is all about.

I also chanced upon other things which I'm too lazy to elaborate on... which makes me wonder if maybe, there's a slight chance that I'm about to lose my hair due to confusion.

Over the years, I have grown to become so simple, I am almost a devout Buddhist. I don't ask for much from anything at all because at the end of the day it is not about what you're surrounded by so much as what you choose to surround yourself with. And I don't give two hoots about things that are of monetary value. Take my money. Take my possession. I don't need that shit, you know?

All I do hope to get, however, is peace of mind. I'm independent and I know what the hell I want in life, and I cannot afford to get my heart broken by someone who... god, I don't know, doesn't know know how to fight for what he is fighting for.

Sigh. He'll probably hate my guts if he ever reads this. But that's a risk I will take because... it's a small price to pay if that means he doesn't lose himself amidst all of that insanity.

Aku sayang banget ama kamu, sayang. And aku gak mau kehilangan kamu... I don't think you'll ever get what I'm trying to say and sadly, it's not because your Bahasa Indonesia is a mixture of Hindi and bastardized Malay.

Love,
Silly Sahera Killy Kanchen Dilly Dorcas
(Chief Onion)

Amazing how it took four years for me to actually sit down and google her full name, to realize that she had actually written anything about me.It's been four fucking long years, and I do miss you, because I always believed you were that angel sent down to protect me and love me, and when I lost you , I almost lost all belief in love, but it's the love you showered me that inspired me to keep putting my heart on the line time after time, I fear knowing where you are now, but I pray it's in a beautiful place that you've always belonged.

You always knew me better than anyone, and you were the most unselfish person I have ever met in my life.You always told me that one day I would meet someone would make as happy as you have made me, if not happier , and that I should make her as happy as I had made you if not happier.I did find someone years later Sahera, I did, I did find someone whom I believed would be the one, the one I would marry and go on and have little Jasons with, I believed I had found the one that would have made you proud of me, and just as I have let you down, I have let her down.

I lost track of my beliefs Sahera, and succumbed to what people think of me, and if you saw me now, the person I have become, you would feel i have let you down. I never thought that I could love someone as much as I have loved you, but I did , I did . And when I hurt her, I hurt her more than anyone actually deserves, but you taught me one thing, that sometimes even if it kills you on the inside slowly, I have to be strong, and let that person go, so that she will find the happiness she deserves one day.

You have always been the reason I believe in selflessness, for I have seen you give everything and expect nothing,and just as you have let me go in order for me to love again one day and I find happiness, I too have to let the one I love now go in order for her to find true happiness.

Just you like you said before.

Some of us just deserve better.

They just do.

Take care Sahera, wherever you are now, and thank you for being there for me once again when I had no one, even if it has to be spiritually.

Goodbye.

FINALLY IT ENDS.

2010-01-15T23:43:00.001+08:00

All good things have to come to an end sometime or another.
But when one door closes on you, another will open.

This blog is dead to me now.
When you lose passion for something, you're better off not trying to salvage it.
And besides the toll it took was a bitch.

So fuck TBC.
It's was so 2008 can? LOL
Writing was something I always loved, and it would be dumb to stop,just because of something that bothered me, so I have decided to make a switch and write Here instead , insulting someone is the easy part, but the challenge of a true writer I believe is being able to write about anything in the world and let it make someone's day. Only reason I kept writing here was because of the ones that would tell me how my writing would make them. I wrote for them and my friends, and it's time I wrote for myself.

Here's one to all of you who hated and loved this piece of shit while it lasted.
Cheers.

Jason.

The ChubbyBoy's Birthday.

2009-08-10T18:19:00.005+08:00

9th August was National Day, but no one seemed to give much of a shit.
Ramesh claims it is due to the Government having budget constraints thus, the lack of much
hype and advertising and shit, and I agreed with him only to tell him that
money constraints are so bad that even prostitutes were made to make CPF contributions.

And Ramesh bought it and went "WTF" on me.
But Not What The Fuck but What The Fish.

I know.
What The Fish?

But it'll seem normal coming from a guy that gets it on with strange women,
gives me an answer like "A little bit will do" when I ask him if he likes his women hairy
or clean shaven below, it's as if I'm asking him if he want sugar with his tea.

"A little bit will do."

Hah.

But nonetheless thanks for coming down Ramesh, and helping out with the suprise.
No one cracks racial jokes on my race as good as you, and it's always a pleasure to
go against you with racial jokes and insults.
Just please stop making us go to Changi and check out bapoks, and enquire how
much their services are.It is a very scary thing for us.

A whole lot of thanks to Mary for taking time out from flicking to help bake the birthday
cake for Zaini.
It was real sweet and tasty, and you have real talent in baking.
And when we went to OCH, I'm glad to say you put some of the boys to shame
*coughWancoughZainicoughNazricough*
You deserve a pair.

Special thanks to Wan Chubs to for once again providing the transport and a whole lot
of humor, no one makes us laugh the way you do.
Partly because you look like Suhaimi Yusoff.

Thanks to Nazri for choosing to refuse to go to Johor with the family,
so that he could celebrate Zaini's birthday with him.
I personally believe he just wanted to have sex with his twin brother
since both of them would be home alone.

Thanks to Sara, for making the plan happen and for breaking curfew,
And Ain for having a nice rack.

And this is the video my friends.
Made with a lot of Bromance and the Gayest songs I could find on my Itunes.
And may we have many more to come.

Ramesh sucks men.

P.s: Nazri, you were supposed to die, but you came down,but I had already killed you
in the video, so nevermind just accept your death.

Because Ramesh Hates Him.

2009-08-04T04:04:00.002+08:00

Ramesh hates him, because he says he's a disgrace to Indians.
I personally think he's fucking hilarious.

Got to hit his night show soon.
Ramesh, learn to see that Kumar is funny.
And funny is not asking how much trannies charge when we go to changi for supper.

The Hat.

2009-07-30T01:33:00.004+08:00

Because you know you have good friends, when they'd go across the border,
just to get something that would make you happy.

Even if they flick too much or wear custom made brassieres.

Thank You Ain & Mary

-

I love Fate.

2009-07-30T00:32:00.002+08:00

The first time we went to Johor, I had no idea Wan Chubs, had a huge phobia of heights.
And when we boarded the viking ship, he gave me the best laugh I ever had.
But I left Johor pretty disappointed I had nothing to relinquish that moment on the Viking.

But alas, Fate has decided to make me a happy man.
For the same day we took the Viking, Wan had cause such a commotion,
that someone even took a video and uploaded it onto Youtube.

What are the fucking chances.
Wan, your fucking screaming is fucking priceless.
Especially seconds after the ride started, you shouted to us that if anyone
screamed he/she was a "Todi".

Whatever the fuck that means.

Wan.

I present to you, your screaming on a viking.

LOL.
Look at how far the video was taken, and how fucking loud his screaming was.

The Classic "Aku Nak Balik" is even at the end.

Now I know why each time we rode the Viking, people would stand at the side and laugh.

I can't wait for the next road trip , this time with Ramesh.
Hope his shares in the Mumbai Stockmarket improve.

-

MY GUY FRIENDS WANT TO SEX ME.

2009-07-29T21:30:00.003+08:00

Just got to love these Facebook Applications.
Especially the SexBot Application.

1.Suzaini
I knew having Sara as his girlfriend was a cover up.

I've seen the way he looks at sweaty men in the army .

Definitely Gay and wants to sex me.

2. Joshua.
Dude's Bi to even begin with.
Would hump my cat if I put a skirt on it.
Would definitely want to sex me.

3.Fabian
Was my officer in the army.
Had a thing for seeing me doing push ups hence the constant commands for
me to knock it down, to the point I would start to pant.
Definitely Gay and wants to sex me in camo lingerie.

4.Ramesh
Fellow campmate and one of my closest friends.
Always touches me a lot but tries to pull it off as jokes.
I learnt now, he has hidden motives behind those "Touching Jason" jokes.
Definetely Gay and would hump me while I had a mask of Shah Rukh Khan on,
behind Mustafa Shopping Center.

5.Zulfadly
Father already Gay.What some more the son.

I wonder why Nazri is not in here though.

DOES THAT LITTLE MAN NOT WANT TO SEX ME?

LOL.

A Good Road Trip With Good Friends.

2009-07-28T01:14:00.006+08:00

The next time, someone tells you there's nothing to do in Johor Bahru.
Show them this entry.

Unfortunately a few others couldn't make it.
People like Ramesh,Abang Kai, Ixe and Belle , Sara , Sasha, Aydil and Ain .
But hopefully soon yes.

And to The Le-Parque Gang.
I say we hit up Johor one day, since Jules can drive too.
Get a couple of 7 seaters and bust a few caps on each other what say you Ewan.

A Few Pictures.
Mary took these. Snaps as well as she flicks.

The Videos.
I put more effort in these.

Ramesh is a bitch that doesn't send money back to India.

Wan Chubs has a huge phobia of heights, and he showed it pretty much when he
was forced to ride The Viking Ship in part II.

Ramesh, you lied.
You said you had to work.
But look where we found you, and what you were doing.

You even had the cheek to look us in the eye.

Le Sigh.

A long deserved break, and it has to be one of my best road trips yet.

Half of 2009 was a pretty fucked up , but the later half seems to be making up for it.
And in the longest while I myself felt fucked up, but now I can actually say I'm happy.

So to those who made it possible.

And to those who couldn't come, We will one day.

Thank you my friends.

A girl and her doll.

2009-07-27T05:50:00.002+08:00

A very good reason why you should not let your daughters keep dolls.

Heh.

Munah And Hirzi.

2009-07-21T09:11:00.002+08:00

Because they can always provide me with a good laugh.

And also because I feel bad, I didn't see you Hirzi when we walked past each other.
I Blame Short Sightedness.

Going Om.

2009-07-17T21:33:00.002+08:00

Going Om is the only place in Haji Lane that makes smoking shisha a enjoyable experience.
Sure it may be hot at times, but the shisha sure makes up for it.
And not to mention the fire playing .

Good shit.
If you're female and have a thing for sweaty males with lean bodies and long hair playing with fire.
Lucky for me, they have female fire players too.

So hot.
Them female ones.

Some of the photographs my friend Mary took while we were at Going Om.

Talented Photographer that Mary.
Serial Flicker but Talented Photographer none the less.

But of course , I made a simple video on my Mac, with crappy editting.
Because Adobe Premiere is overrated.
Crappy editing with crappier music is much funnier.

God I love that fucking song.
One hell of a Hokkien Classic.

When A Pill Popper Comes Back.

2009-07-14T11:57:00.003+08:00

One of the best rappers of our time.
And Damn, this song is so fucking good.

How to make beautiful songs.

-Pop Pills.
-Hit Rock Bottom.
-Pick yourself up.
-Pen it down.

Best shit he ever wrote to me.

Another beautiful song.

It finally kicks in that Michael Jackson will moonwalk no more.
I dig The Game, but God I hate Chris Brown aka "CB" CheeBye Beater.

Another one down.The toilet this time.

2009-07-13T06:18:00.005+08:00

Elfy.
Because you told me not to, I had to.
I'm sorry.

I was having a msn conversation with my friend Elfy.
When I decided to try my luck on pranking him,since he felt that
he would never fall for any of my fun facts or fun questions.

But now you have Elfy.
Now you are my bitch.L O Fuckin' L.

It starts out with me telling him that I had to shit.
Truth was, I went to get a drink.

As follows;
jasonpereira- says: (6:08:45 AM)
brb

elfy says: (6:08:48 AM)
haha!

elfy says: (6:08:49 AM)
okay

jasonpereira- says: (6:08:49 AM)
nak berak
(wanna shit)

jasonpereira- says: (6:09:00 AM)
Nak aku berak dalam plastic untuk kau?
(Want me to shit in a plastic bag for you?)

elfy says: (6:09:02 AM)
confuse aku kejap...
(I was confused momentarily)

elfy says: (6:09:06 AM)
nabey
(Hokkien Vulgarity)

jasonpereira- says: (6:09:06 AM)
Kau leh buat keychain.
(You can make a keychain)

elfy says: (6:09:10 AM)
boleh uh..
(Can uh)

jasonpereira- says: (6:09:12 AM)
Keychain babe.

elfy says: (6:09:18 AM)
tak uh, aku nak sumbat dalam mulut kau
(No, I wanna shove it in your mouth)

elfy says: (6:09:21 AM)
boleh uh, please...
(Can uh please...*Manje Mat Mode On*)

jasonpereira- says: (6:09:22 AM)
Naughty.

elfy says: (6:09:24 AM)
i said please...

jasonpereira- says: (6:09:28 AM)
Please. Some more

elfy says: (6:09:29 AM)
cb! gi berak la musibat!
(Mandarin Vulgarity in short form! Go shit la idiot!)

jasonpereira- says: (6:09:32 AM)
Ok be right back fuck.

elfy says: (6:09:36 AM)
fucker

jasonpereira- says: (6:09:40 AM)
I need to make toilet eclairs.

elfy says: (6:09:40 AM)
still can type

elfy says: (6:09:46 AM)
WOI!

jasonpereira- says: (6:09:52 AM)
Hahahha.Must get the upper one out

jasonpereira- says: (6:09:55 AM)
then lower one

jasonpereira- says: (6:09:56 AM)
OK BRB!

elfy says: (6:09:58 AM)
puki
(vagina)

jasonpereira- says: (6:13:35 AM)
back

jasonpereira- says: (6:13:40 AM)
cool

jasonpereira- says: (6:13:42 AM)
under 4 mins

jasonpereira- says: (6:14:27 AM)
Bro, when you shit right, what's usually in your mind ah?

elfy says: (6:14:58 AM)
aku?
(me?)

Got him on the first question.
So much for I'll never get you Elfy.

elfy says: (6:15:00 AM)
hahaha!

elfy says: (6:15:09 AM)
i bring my hp in, then i go twitter or facebook

Hahahah.
Fucker drops twitters while dropping Choco Bombs.

jasonpereira- says: (6:15:15 AM)
yeah i tend to zone out?

elfy says: (6:15:26 AM)
tapi macam waste time kan zone out...
(But it's like a waste of time right to zone out...)

Wasn't even a question.
To avoid wasting time in the toilet.Twitter.

jasonpereira- says: (6:15:27 AM)
U bring your hp in and twit or facebook while shitting?

elfy says: (6:15:30 AM)
might as well do something

Like Twittering.

elfy says: (6:15:32 AM)
HAHA!

elfy says: (6:15:34 AM)
yes

jasonpereira- says: (6:15:42 AM)
Wtf man. Why.

elfy says: (6:15:47 AM)
okay aku kan internet junkie...
(Okay I'm a internet junkie...)

jasonpereira- says: (6:16:06 AM)
Redefines dropping junk while being an internet junkie.

elfy says: (6:16:11 AM)
why the fuck did i write okay?

elfy says: (6:16:12 AM)
haha

elfy says: (6:16:25 AM)
stay connected even while taking the biggest crap

jasonpereira- says: (6:16:32 AM)
I zone out, so it fells like a unaware state.

jasonpereira- says: (6:16:38 AM)
LOL STAY CONNECTED.

elfy says: (6:16:41 AM)
hahaha!

jasonpereira- says: (6:16:47 AM)
Means like nothing is on your mind.

elfy says: (6:17:00 AM)
normally if i don't have my cellphone with me

jasonpereira- says: (6:17:01 AM)
So you purposely tweet, to take your mind off shitting.

elfy says: (6:17:09 AM)
which is 95% of the time...

jasonpereira- says: (6:17:11 AM)
Ah huh.

elfy says: (6:17:13 AM)
yeah..

jasonpereira- says: (6:17:19 AM)
What happens then.

elfy says: (6:17:23 AM)
aku pon zone out sia!
(I also zone out sia!)

jasonpereira- says: (6:17:28 AM)
In that 5 percent, whats on your mind.

elfy says: (6:17:39 AM)
like sometimes, suddenly i remember i finish shitting

LOL.NICE.
SUDDENLY REMEMBER YOU FINISHED.

jasonpereira- says: (6:17:46 AM)
ah huh.

elfy says: (6:17:47 AM)
5% is the time i bring my phone in...

elfy says: (6:17:47 AM)
5% is the time i bring my phone in...

jasonpereira- says: (6:17:59 AM)
Suddenly remember you finish?

elfy says: (6:17:59 AM)
95% no phone no internet

elfy says: (6:18:08 AM)
zone out like my mind will wander..

elfy says: (6:18:17 AM)
all the thing unecessary all

jasonpereira- says: (6:18:20 AM)
Then 95% zone out till you forget you finish shitting.

jasonpereira- says: (6:18:22 AM)
Like.

elfy says: (6:18:26 AM)
like today wanna wear what shirt eh...

HAHAHA.
CHOOSING AN OUTFIT WHILE TAKING A CRAP.

jasonpereira- says: (6:18:32 AM)
hahah somemore

elfy says: (6:18:43 AM)
then meet naf after that do what

Naf is Elfy's current love.
Naf , I may not have met you yet but trust me when I say
Elfy loves you with all his heart, for you know a man really loves you
when you are on his mind, even when he is taking a crap.

elfy says: (6:18:49 AM)
like i will just wander off aimlessly...

elfy says: (6:19:02 AM)
how's jason eh, dah lame tak nampak...
(How's jason eh, havent seen him in a while)

And a good friend too apparently.

elfy says: (6:19:06 AM)
that kind....

jasonpereira- says: (6:19:09 AM)
So nice of you.

jasonpereira- says: (6:19:19 AM)
To think about how i am doing while ure shitting

-end-

P.s: I did this because you are my friend now, and you're like a little sister to me.
And you know now how I only write for my friends, and you're my friend now.
I'm happy now for you and Naf.And I'm sure you'll make her happy too.
So please stop calling me from public phones asking me if I want some happy time.

I am straight.

LOL.

When Huda Has Her Salad.

2009-07-10T03:15:00.003+08:00

I have this friend, whose blog consists of the chatlogs from msn conversations she has with people.

This is one msn conversation she'll never forget.
This is a tale of A girl, her innocent untainted mind, and a couple of vegetarians.

jasonpereira- says: (3:05:31 AM)
Here's a funfact.

Athena says: (3:05:34 AM)
i need to be an individual

jasonpereira- says: (3:05:41 AM)
Did you know vegetarians cant give blowjobs.

jasonpereira- says: (3:05:46 AM)
The hardcore ones.

Athena says: (3:06:16 AM)
...why?

Athena says: (3:06:25 AM)
is this a witty joke?

jasonpereira- says: (3:06:26 AM)
They claim it's still meat.

jasonpereira- says: (3:06:31 AM)
Cockmeat apparently.

Athena says: (3:06:40 AM)
are you serious about this?

jasonpereira- says: (3:06:50 AM)
Yeah, and the vegan guys dont wank.

jasonpereira- says: (3:06:58 AM)
Cos its like choking the chicken.

Athena says: (3:07:05 AM)
what, do they think its going to be bitten off?

Athena says: (3:07:11 AM)
ARE YOU JOSHING ME?
(I have no idea who this Josh is.Mass Comm Talk.)

Athena says: (3:07:16 AM)
don't do this i am naive

jasonpereira- says: (3:07:19 AM)
It's kinda like still sucking on meat i guess.

Athena says: (3:07:28 AM)
where did you learn such wonders?
(She thinks it's a wonder.LOL)

jasonpereira- says: (3:07:33 AM)
So i guess thats why they dont do it.

jasonpereira- says: (3:07:37 AM)
A vegan told me.
(From my imagination *wink*)

jasonpereira- says: (3:07:42 AM)
But they make up for it.

jasonpereira- says: (3:07:45 AM)
They toss the salad.

Athena says: (3:07:50 AM)
i need to ask a vegan friend
(The poor unknowing friend.)

Athena says: (3:07:57 AM)
again, you have lost me completely.

jasonpereira- says: (3:08:04 AM)
Toss the salad?

jasonpereira- says: (3:08:11 AM)
You do not know what toss the salad is?

Athena says: (3:08:14 AM)
i am but an innocent child

Athena says: (3:08:14 AM)
no

Athena says: (3:08:18 AM)
do i need to google this?

Athena says: (3:08:28 AM)
will you just tell me?

Athena says: (3:08:33 AM)
sure, i will giggle.

Athena says: (3:08:38 AM)
but it will be brief

jasonpereira- says: (3:08:38 AM)
hold on

jasonpereira- says: (3:08:41 AM)
ill show you

Athena says: (3:08:45 AM)
man.

jasonpereira- says: (3:09:10 AM)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QMSZRjZ9WEY

jasonpereira- says: (3:09:17 AM)
Perfect explaination

Athena says: (3:10:16 AM)
wtf?!

jasonpereira- says: (3:10:43 AM)
yup tossing the salad means eating ass

jasonpereira- says: (3:10:49 AM)
with jelly or without jelly.

Athena says: (3:10:50 AM)
like, rimming?

jasonpereira- says: (3:10:55 AM)
Yeah like that.

Athena says: (3:11:01 AM)
is jelly a dirty word for something?
(THE INNOCENCE.LOL)

jasonpereira- says: (3:11:13 AM)
You see, vegans cant blow, but they'll toss your salad good.

jasonpereira- says: (3:11:16 AM)
LOL. NO

jasonpereira- says: (3:11:30 AM)
Jelly is jelly, the jelly they serve in prison.

jasonpereira- says: (3:11:37 AM)
They prolly use it to give a little taste.

Athena says: (3:11:55 AM)
jason why are you amused by my lack of knowledge?

Athena says: (3:12:03 AM)
oh lord.

jasonpereira- says: (3:12:08 AM)
Yup.

jasonpereira- says: (3:12:21 AM)
So now you know what vegetarians won't do but will do.

jasonpereira- says: (3:12:31 AM)
Them hardcore ones at least.

Athena says: (3:12:34 AM)
this is good to know

Athena says: (3:12:50 AM)
i thank you for enlightening me.

jasonpereira- says: (3:12:59 AM)
You're welcome.

jasonpereira- says: (3:13:17 AM)
Next time if you date a vegan, you'll know what to expect.

Athena says: (3:13:24 AM)
LOL

jasonpereira- says: (3:13:33 AM)
hahahah

Athena says: (3:13:45 AM)
you are making me uncomfortable

Athena says: (3:13:49 AM)
i look at vegans like

Athena says: (3:13:58 AM)
this wonderful gift from God

Athena says: (3:14:06 AM)
who save millions of animals

Athena says: (3:14:08 AM)
and now

jasonpereira- says: (3:14:10 AM)
Of course they're wonderful.

jasonpereira- says: (3:14:16 AM)
They dont do blowjobs.

Athena says: (3:14:17 AM)
i will think of them as jelly eating fiends
(I'm sorry my vegan friends.lol.)

jasonpereira- says: (3:14:20 AM)
Or masturbate.

jasonpereira- says: (3:14:24 AM)
Hahahahhahhah.

jasonpereira- says: (3:14:32 AM)
I know, first time I found out. It broke my heart.

Athena says: (3:14:43 AM)
hahaha i can imagine.

Athena says: (3:14:52 AM)
i picture you tearing a bit.

jasonpereira- says: (3:15:02 AM)
Its only normal.

Athena says: (3:15:09 AM)
i would pat you on the shoulder. i would.

jasonpereira- says: (3:15:29 AM)
I dated a vegan once, and when i thought she was going down like downtown,
boy did she miss her stop.
(Truth is, It never happened.Hahahah.)

Athena says: (3:15:54 AM)
HAHAHAHAHA

Athena says: (3:16:00 AM)
is she the vegan that told you?

jasonpereira- says: (3:16:10 AM)
Yes she was.

Athena says: (3:16:22 AM)
did you google afterwards?

jasonpereira- says: (3:16:28 AM)
2 people sitting naked in bed talking about it.

Athena says: (3:16:35 AM)
to make sure she wasnt just freaked out?

Athena says: (3:16:37 AM)
or a wuss
(Such a kind subtle compliment.I was feeling bad now.LOL.)

jasonpereira- says: (3:16:39 AM)
Google it? Nah, I took her word.

jasonpereira- says: (3:16:55 AM)
A couple other vegans confirmed this with me.

jasonpereira- says: (3:17:03 AM)
They have like this forum where they share tips.
(Does not exist at all.)

Athena says: (3:17:03 AM)
wow
(She bought It.)

Athena says: (3:17:09 AM)
i never knew.
(Heh.)

jasonpereira- says: (3:17:12 AM)
Vegansinbed or something.

Athena says: (3:17:17 AM)
HAHAHAHA

jasonpereira- says: (3:17:20 AM)
We wont know everything.

Athena says: (3:17:42 AM)
did you tell hirzi this?
(Even wanted me to share it with her good friend.)

Athena says: (3:17:51 AM)
if you havent you need to

jasonpereira- says: (3:17:57 AM)
Nope.

jasonpereira- says: (3:18:02 AM)
Why is he vegan?

Athena says: (3:18:02 AM)
you need to

Athena says: (3:18:04 AM)
no

Athena says: (3:18:14 AM)
it would just amuse him

jasonpereira- says: (3:18:14 AM)
He's dating a vegan?

jasonpereira- says: (3:18:17 AM)
LOL.

Athena says: (3:18:24 AM)
i dont think so either

Athena says: (3:18:27 AM)
hirzi likes his meat
(.........)

Athena says: (3:18:35 AM)
eh that came out wrong

Athena says: (3:18:56 AM)
stop it. i get shy.

Athena says: (3:18:58 AM)
he is my bud

jasonpereira- says: (3:19:08 AM)
Hahahh hold on for a couple of mins will you.

jasonpereira- says: (3:19:13 AM)
I need to get something done.

Athena says: (3:19:15 AM)
alright

jasonpereira- says: (3:19:19 AM)
I'll brb.

Athena says: (3:19:42 AM)
sure man

I'm sorry Huda.
I couldn't fucking help it I swear.
Jelly Eating Fiends. Now that's a fucking classic.
Hahahahha.

Diarrhea And Cyanide And Happines.

2009-07-09T11:58:00.002+08:00

I really want to write, but I am unable to.
As I have Diarrhea.
And Diarrhea makes me sad.

And as I'm not going to write a few lines in between sprints to the fucking toilet.
I will not write so much.

God, I hate shitting.It's like the one unnecessary thing to do.
I wish I had never had to shit, but then I'd be full of shit.
Sigh, nothing ever goes the way I want it to be.

There is so much shit I wanna say .
But I wont, because I have Diarrhea and it makes me sad.
Yes , you have read it twice now.

So what do I do when I have a sad case of Diarrhea.
I cheer myself up with my favorite online comic strip.

CYANIDE AND HAPPINESS.

Here's a few of my favorites that I'd like to share tonight.
Hopefully if you're having Diarrhea like me, it'll make things a little better,
and not I hope it gives you Diarrhea.

In no particular order.

And my personal favorite.

LOFL.
You got to admit, it made you want to click it without any hesistation.

All comic strips courtesy of : www.explosm.net

Good shit.
And I've been having one too many tonight.

Good night.

Pooh and Piggy.

2009-07-06T22:09:00.004+08:00

I am still dead tired, even after being asleep for 12 hours.
After spending the previous 48 hours awake in which half included what to do about that Bastard.

But this one picture gave me the first good laugh since I woke up.

Courtesy of Ernestandahgirl.blogspot.com

I love such crude humor.

On a serious note, If you or someone you know has been fucked over by that
heartless piece of shit Hirwandie, do come forward and help out in pinning even more
shit on his soon to be sorry ass.It would be the right thing to do.

Fucker has beaten up the girls he dated,threatened to beat them.
Cheated people out of hundreds and thousands of dollars even,
by feigning terminal cancer, and even death, disrespecting his own religion.
One girl even gave him the 100 dollars she had that was meant for her grandfather's
dialysis treatment because he was in that "much of need for help."

Everything that could've been said,has been said.
And I will not blog till thursday, so you may get more people to read
on the heinous acts he has done.
And any information on him would be much appreciated.

Thank you in advance.

How [sic] some people can be. Sigh.

2009-07-05T00:43:00.006+08:00

I've seen people do some of the most messed up things,to try to get
someone they love to go back to them.But there is just a line that you do not cross.
In this entry I will refrain from vulgarities, out of respect to the person that has passed on.

Last year, when the girl Hirwandie was seeing, wanted to leave him.
Hirwandie feigned his own death, and sent her this email.
After she caught him, he apologized but God, just read it yourself.

If that wasn't bad enough Wandie, you even attached this picture to the email.
Claiming it to be your funeral.

You pretended to be your father sending an email through your brother's account
to your ex-girlfriend's account pretending to have died.
Even mentioning the Al-Fatihah in the e-mail, And the sickest part would be
having you attach the picture of someone else's funeral.

And your motive being, trying to get her back.
How was she to get back with you if you were "dead".
So let's just face the true fact, you wanted her to be in remorse over your fake death.

I thought you pretending to have terminal cancer was heartless enough.
But to feign death, mention the Al-Fatihah and even upload that picture?
This just changes everything.

I don't even know what to say already.

I'll end it here.
This is somewhat very troubling to me.

Teenage Mutant Krang.

2009-07-04T07:18:00.007+08:00

It's about 7 in the morning Wandie.

And I have yet to sleep, Oh trust me I have tried.
But everytime I close my fucking eyes, it's you I see.

I keep thinking about what the fuck you could be doing,and just how anytime
you could be making use of another person.

I feel as if I'm your jilted gay lover.
So I have to let it out again,and hopefully I can get some sleep after this.

Ladies and Gentleman.
You are looking at Evil itself now.

I hope you lived past that.
And Wandie , I know how everyone that you fucked over has been calling you
a pig, a swine, a pigfuck, pigshit, four legged fiend, oinky and what not.
I'm sure it's not the first time you've been referred to as a pig.

But did anyone ever tell you,that you look just like Krang from TMNT?
You know Krang, that ugly pink thing.
This Thing.

I happen to think personally that it resembles you quite a lot actually.
No wonder you looked so familiar to me.
I've seen a whole lot of you when I was growing up.
You cheeky fucking pink thing you.

You know Krang, you really should fucking stop irritating the people you fucked over.
You keep calling the girl who you recently broke up with in June I think,
the one who you were together with for 2 weeks,and then broke up with you
because she thought you were a jerk.
Yeah that girl, You're not smart enough to blackmail so don't try.
You keep ringing her up daily, and when she answers you don't say a word and hang up.

What the fuck is wrong with you.

You know what you are? You are one of those fucking pesky ex-bfs that just
don't know when the fuck to shut up and move on, you know guys how when you're
seeing a girl, and there's always this irritating ex-boyfriend who just refuses to get out of her
life because he can't accept the break up.Well Krang is one of them.

And you just love calling up your exes.
Hearing their Hello? and hanging up.Well you'll like this.
This is an open invitation to people who love prank calling others.
If you're going to prank call someone , please pull a couple of nice ones on Krang.

Krang:+65 82667167

Hell I even added in the country code,so in the event that anyone from
another country ever thought about calling a Singaporean up and telling him
to go fuck himself he now can do just that.

And oh yeah Krang, I made a mistake about my friend M.
You see I had fucking assumed that your sorry excuse for a mother let her into
your sty when she came to see her regarding the handphone bills.
Your mother didn't let her in,she just spoke to her through the gate.

Subtle subliminal signs that she thinks she is a animal in captive.
Now how the fuck did you come up with that conclusion Jason? Wandie Asked.

Well Krang, it's very simple actually, when you have the average IQ of a human being.
You see, when someone has a guest, you usually allow the person into your house to speak,
it's only polite.But your old delusional mother seems to think she's in a cage thus
refusing to open the gate, you know because it makes her feel like the people who come
to see her are paying customers and that my friend makes her feel special.
Does she just like talking through iron bars, or does she not realize there is not
a farm keeper to open the gate for her?

You know Krang, I don't understand one thing, why do you keep fucking girls over
like that, I just don't get it.Don't you see that they help you because they're of the human race.
You see Krang, us humans are born with emotions, the ability to feel pity for someone else.
We're not animals like you and your parents, nope we sure are not.

Krang, do the human race a favor and stop fucking over the females of my race.
You know, stick to your own kind, go mate with your mother.
You know, a little hide and go fuck? Your mother could roll around in the kitchen
squealing, and you could come trotting after your father.

Please?

On a serious note, I know you have already read me, and just like the bitch you are,
you ain't doing shit but you got the fucking balls to send smses to girls that you are going
to beat them up should they bump into you, It won't be long till we find you.

We're going to see your mother, and it'll be my first time so I have to check
what's the entrance fee to see her,but I don't mind.
And when I do, and tell her about what we're going to report you to the police for,
I want to see if she will shed a tear for your sorry ass, just like how she and you made
my friend's mother cry .

I'm not one for abortions, but she should have aborted you the day your heart started beating.

P.s:

I hope you find a taking to Prison CockMeat.

Tsk.

This Pig Must Die.

2009-07-03T10:26:00.007+08:00

Mr Hirwandie Tan.
The perfect example of what you should never want your kids to grow to be.

Shit.
Wrong Picture.
My Bad.

Damn it gets so confusing each time with you Wandie.

Firstly.

FUCK YOU , YOU FUCKING DISGUSTING EXCUSE FOR A HUMAN BEING.
YOU'RE THE FUCKING REASON THE WORLD IS COMING TO AN END.
STUPID MOTHERFUCKING PIG MAN.

Now I feel better.

I've already added you on facebook Wandie,so I believe it won't be long till you fucking come
across this entry.
I seriously have no idea what the fuck drives you to do the stupid fucking things
you do.
Now I know how you get people to lend you that fucking much money and sign up handphone lines for you.
You motherfucking tell people you're going to DIE.

And don't even fucking dare deny that shit pigshit.
Look what I came across in your deviantart.
All I had to do was google Wandee Design Whore and it was like it was meant to be.

Terminal Cancer?
You have Terminal Cancer? And it won't be long before you leave for good?
Were you just born stupid or do you have shit for brains?

There are unfortunate people out there who suffer from Terminal Cancer,
and the poor people who have to suffer and cope with the loss of losing someone they
love to such a horrible thing and here you are fucking telling people
on deviant art and out there that you have Terminal Cancer.

Why don't you fucking do society a favor and just die already.
How fucking heartless are you to the fucking point that you would make shit like
that up to benefit yourself.

You tell people you're going to die so they will help you,
fucking tell girls that wanna break up with you that you're going to die,
so they won't leave your sorry ass.
With Terminal Cancer?

Excuse me while I go pray and ask God what was his purpose of putting you here.

And do you know how,I know you don't fucking have Terminal Cancer fuckface?
The answer is fucking simple.

BECAUSE THE GOVERMENT WOULDN'T FUCKING MAKE YOU
SERVE NATIONAL SERVICE LET ALONE THE ARMY IF YOU HAD TERMINAL CANCER!

But you obviously have brains the size of your mother's nipples to go
google Terminal Diseases, and then choose Terminal Cancer as a good reason to
con the friends and girls you fuck over.

Mr Hirwandie Tan , You do not have Terminal Cancer.
You have Low IQ.If you're going to fucking lie about dying.At least lie
after you fucking served your national service you stupid shit.

Dying my fucking ass.
I thought you know after hearing all that shit from the people you
fucked over.I had allowed myself to hope that it couldn't get any worse.
But fate had other things in mind my four legged friend.

Firstly, you are a disgrace to society and so is your mother.
You and your mother go together like my favorite vulgarity. - Motherfucker.
Like flies and shit.Like Dick and Pee.Like Menses and Menstrual Pads.
You get the point right Piglet?

Now I didn't know this, till last night,but apparently when my friend's Mother
came to see your mother to get help in solving the problem you created for them.
Your mother didn't give much of a shit.She may be an old pig but none the less man.
She owns a fucking IC and a Hdb flat, so she must have more human in her than swine.

My Friend's Mother came to see your mother.
(Notice how when I mention your mother it's never in cap's.Because she's an animal.)
And only because the lawyers had sent letters to her son threatening to pursue a court
matter if payment was not made soon.And only their Father who was working to support
their Family who at that time could not work due to a bad injury.
And she actually cried in front of your mother in hopes that she would
take care of this problem you had caused,but hell your mother didn't even care.

There was this poor woman,in tears in front of your mother because of the fear
of having to see her beloved son go to court over something you did
and what does your mother do?
Nothing.Doesn't even give a shit.
Doesn't even fucking give an expression.
Leaving her outside your front gate,crying like that.

It's no wonder you are the way you are.
Look at the fucking vagina you came out from.
It's as cold and emotionless as a carcass.

You fucking woo girls with your so called designs.
Playing off the whole "I'm sexy because I'm a artist" facade.
Record song covers off youtube and send them to the girl you wanna
woo and tell them,it was you singing those songs.
Ain't you a fucking French Casanova.
Well pardon my french Mr Wandee.
But - Vous êtes toujours un baiser désolé excuse pour un être humain vous sale porcine.

That means you are still a sorry excuse for a human you fucking swine.
And I don't even speak French.But now I do apparently.

Let's see what else did I find out about your sorry ass,
from the people that came forward after reading the previous entry about you.

Let's compile how many people you have fucked so far shall we.
-You fucked over my best friend and his family.
-You fucked over the cousin of my best friend's girlfriend,whom you threaten to beat up.
Nice Woman Beater now ey?Very Noble.
-You owe this girl M about 800 dollars.
-You made another girl sign up 3 hp lines for you .
That is going to be quite a lot isn't it.
You owe this particular girl E about a 1.2k.
And broke her toilet door in a attempt to beat the shit outta her,
when she hid in the toilet to escape your beating.
Fucked her 2 friends over with the amounts of 3 and 5 k respectively.
You also owe what,one of your graffiti crew members 1k too?

And then when one of the girls M, decided to do a nice thing and
speak to your mother when you flee from paying the bills you jolly well chalked up,
your mum lets her into the house,and tells her you're not around while
you're actually hiding in your room with your current gf of that time.

You sure are one brave man Wandie.

But oh you get braver,lets see what you said to her afterwards online.
Note:YourWhore is Wandee. He's my whore.M my friend.

3/16/2008 10:38:30 PM your whore. to M
you know that time when you come my house like a dog,
i was in my room sleeping so soundly with my gf.

3/16/200810:38:49 PM M to your whore.
i know dog

3/16/200810:39:05 PM M to your whore.
whatever it is, the ownership ill get ur folks to settle,
since ur just a whiny lil boy who runs away. grow up.

My my Wandie.You fucking cheat on the girl.
Then chalk up bills up to 800 dollars in her name,and when payment arises
you run away and hide while your mother protects you and then
call the girl a dog? Aren't you pathetic.

So let's see, you lie to people about being poor,tell them you're dying.
Cheat them out of their money and get them to sign for you handphone lines.
Beat the girls,and then when they wanna break up with you
start force vomitting so they won't leave you out of pity that you're "dying".

You are one fucking class act.
And don't think I don't know about the fucking heartless act you did
to that one person.What you fucking did to that person
justifies the very fact that you are a fucking animal.
And I pray there is fucking justice in what the people you fuck over plan to
do,especially after knowing what you did to that one person.
But don't worry,when you do get sentenced for that fucking heinous act you did.
We'll all go for a celebration and send you a Wish You Were Here Card.

Stupid Bastard.
And oh by the way, I came across your family potrait.

Fucking pigs.
Tsk.

*Update*
1o minutes after posting this I was informed, Mr Hirwandie has been telling
girls that he has stomach cancer.The 2nd stage.
Stomach Cancer when you are still so fucking fat, and the girls you fucked over
tell me how fast and how much you eat,and if they don't finish you'll eat theirs too.
Stomach Cancer?

Get a fucking life motherfucker.

Return of A Jackass.Birth Of An Asshole.

2009-07-02T22:18:00.001+08:00

I never thought the entry that I would write, after being away for oh so long,
would be anything like this,but oh well, hopefully just this once.
I'll write about why I stopped writing for so long in the next entry, in this one however,
pay attention to the human epitome of shit.

Ladies and Gentlemen.
Kindly Meet Mr Hirwandie Tan,
And I'm leaving out the Prophet's name on purpose because personally I think
It's an insult for him to bear that name.

Now I did not create the above picture.
His supposed girlfriend that has now learnt his true character did it.
I on the other hand do no think it's a good idea to side part your hair , into a little
nice Jambol and then wear a hat.
Just doesn't make sense, but if that is how human-swine hybrids don their hats,
then who am I to complain.

Now for the Public Service Announcement.

If you are friends with Mr Swine over here, or in the even more unfortunate event,
that you are in a relationship with him.I suggest you start being wary of this pork meat.
Never have I met such a person so fucking disgusting that after just hearing a couple of
stories of him, I was boiling with hatred.

You know a person is fucked up when he does something like ask you for help,
and when you help that ingrate and his method of repayment is fucking you over.

Hell, I don't even know where to begin.
Let's start off in point form shall we.

Hirwandie I hope by some act of God,you get to read this as you are the fucking
reason I keep my eyes peeled now when I go out.

1.You asked my best friend's brother to help you sign up for a line in his name,
out of trust and pity he does, and what do you do?
Let the bill roll up to a few hundred dollars, and when he asks you to settle the payment
you fucking go Houdini on his ass, forcing early termination of the contract which
adds up to another few hundred dollars.So upon doing your little magic act, you actually forget
that he knows where you fucking live.

So after having to chase you for months to settle the bill,as lawyers were soon on his ass,
him and his family had no choice but your family a visit,in the hopes that they would be
humane enough to settle your little fucking problem,but like they say the rotten apple doesn't
fall from the tree,and boy is your family tree one big decomposing piece of nature.

I would never be one to insult a person's family, as I believe people can choose to represent themselves.But boy was I wrong on this fucker.
My friend's parents had to go to your fucking house to try to ask your parents to take care
of this little problem you created and what do your parents do?
You know I may not be Muslim,but I'm pretty sure it's basic courtesy to invite someone in to
talk instead of talking through the gates, but what the hell you know.
And your Dad, who has the manners equivalent to a roadside carcass sure presented himself well, just ignoring my friend's entire family and smoked as if they were not even there,and then just walked off when he was done with his cigarette?
Does your father roll in mud during his free time and feed on rotten apples because his behavior
seems pretty similar to that of a farm pig.

That was what the 1st time they went to see your family yes?
And what did your family do the 2nd time they went to visit your house?
Oh your family pretended to not be at home, and when my friend's brother peeked
through the glass window, your mum messaged him saying they broke her window.
Now I'm not going to even bother explaining because it doesn't even take a rocket scientist
to figure that out.

And now the reasons why if anyone who has the average iq of a normal person should know better than to befriend this Mr Wandee.

He has cheated his close friend out of if I'm not wrong $3000 plus dollars, the poor dude's
life savings,because Mr Wandee apparently told him that he had no money to pay for his
La Salle fees.And that his family was poor , they were suffering , hell he would have even fucking believed you if you ate each other's fucking faeces for dinner and showered with each other's urine because he trusts you as a fucking friend.
But you just had to fuck him over.You must be a pretty fucking heartless fat boy Wandee,to do that to someone.A close friend for that matter.

And you know, I'm pretty fucking amazed at how much game you have, because you still seem
to have no problem getting girls, and fucking them over.
Mr Wandee here apparently melts the hearts of girls with youtube videos.
Now which human would have possibly thought of that, while most guys send their girlfriends
sweet youtube videos,you record the covers of certain love songs,send them to the girl and
actually tell her you sang and did a cover for her.

You little cunning oink.

And what do you do with the girls that give you their hearts, you get them to sign up handphone lines for you with probably the same bullshit you tell every other person on how poor your family is, and how there is not enough food at home, you skip school to work , but the fucking funny thing is that, if you're family is that poor, then explain to me how the hell do you own a iphone, seen in the most stylish and branded clothes?
Doesn't make much fucking sense does it?

So there you go making girls fall for you, and then getting them to sign up lines which you then start pulling fucking Houdini's.And leaving them with bills close to a thousand dollars each time.
And while you are fortunate enough to have a girl that loves you enough to stay loyal to you overseas,you fucking cheat on her with other girls here,and hell you even got her to sign 3 fucking lines for you.
It's bad enough you can't stick to one girl,you have to make them suffer with forking out hundreds to pay for your handphone bills.

I mean seriously what the fuck is you and your fucking obsession with getting girls to sign up lines for you? Do you jack off to the phone bills you get, Do you like fucking calculate what the digits are in each bill and that's the amount of times you give your little dick a beating.

Don't fucking earn the trust of people, play off the whole "I'm Poor" crap when you are not,
and when they do help you,you fuck them over and pull a Houdini.
I hope when you fucking die , people you fuck over piss on your fucking grave.

So that does it for me, I just did the public a favor.
Unless you got a few hundred to waste for no reason and gets an orgasm from being fucked over by people like this, then I suggest you do not befriend this man should he ever cross paths into your lives.

Stupid pig.

We lost another good one.

2009-06-25T22:56:00.000+08:00

My favorite song of his.
How I would dance to this when I was a young kid.

You will be missed.
Rest In Peace Michael Jackson.

Let the lovemaking to ketupats begin.

2008-10-02T00:01:00.000+08:00

I'll keep this short.
I'm still detoxing so I refuse to do a proper entry.
And besides I've got houses to visit.

So I'm going to let Hirzi and his friends wish you guys a
Selamat Hari Raya.
It wouldn't make sense for an eurasian dude who did nothing
but tempt his friends with food during the fasting month to speak
about Hari Raya.

So just watch this shit as you drink some Bandung.

May all you muslims have a good one this year.
Let all the forgiving begin and get them tears flowing.
As you all dance to P.Ramlee songs in baju kurungs.

P.s : Sang Kancil is Satanic.

You didn't know that did you.

Till Then ;

Mucho Love ,

The Critic

T is For Thursdays , Tudungs , Trannys and Think of a happy place now Motherfucker!

2008-09-18T18:26:00.005+08:00

Today we will have a look at deed polls , a couple of trannys and my new friend Ahmad.

Oh Ahmad.

Now before I move on the topic of trannys , I have to dedicate this small section
to my friend Tan Kea Loke who now has legally changed his name to
Vance Tan Kea Loke.

In case anyone has forgotten how Tan Kea Loke looks like.
I mean Vance Tan. What a suave name he has now.
Again this is Vance. Vance Tan.

After spending almost two years in the service with him.
One would think I would actually have a picture of him at least
awake.

But alas, I do not.
So that picture will have to do.

You see.
Before the 10th of September the sleeping slut featured above was
just known as Mr Tan Kea Loke or Lance Corporal Tan Kea Loke in
service terms.

But on the 10th of September , Mr Tan Kea Loke officially changed
his name to Mr Vance Tan Kea Loke.

The reason for that change you ask?
Well.
It goes something like this.

You see , I first met Loke about a year and a half ago when he first
reported to my camp after BMT.
There he was sitting in my officer's office , a fresh slut out of BMT.
I who then happened to be a couple of months old ,walked into the office
and Loke then smiled at me and stood up to shake my hand.

Loke: Hi , Im Loke. I'm the new guy.

Now I hadn't heard of such a name so I thought it was pretty funny
that someone would name their child Loke.
So I went all "Loke, haha. What the fuck. Is that hokkien for Coke?"

Loke just gave me a smirk and sat back down.
But that was the beginning of our friendship.
I always poked fun at loke regarding his language of choice.
You see he was constantly speaking in hokkien most of the time.

And he got a lot of teasing from me because of that.
When he spoke hokkien , I would talk gibberish as well and
then claim that I too could speak hokkien.

He always went "E-yay, E-yay" before letting out either a string
of Hokkien sentences or Hokkien expletives.
Kinda like how you go Err, or Eh Dude.
"E-yay" in hokkien would be the equivalent.
They sounded vulgar all the time anyways.
But I always loved the Hokkien Language.
It has such character.

And we always loved calling him E-yay as opposed to his Birth name.
"Eh E-yay let's go makan ah! or Eh E-yay lets go smoke!"

And he always blamed me for the guys in camp calling him E-yay.
So on the 10th of Sep, 2 days after I had officially ORD'd, he convinced
me to accompany him to have his name changed and be his witness if necessary.
Now this was something I had to witness alright.

So we went to Toa Payoh.
And went around browsing a couple of law firms before agreeing on one.
I kept asking him if I could tell the receptionist that we were here for gay
marriage and he told me he'd punch me if I did say anything stupid.
You never fuck with a hokkien man's punch.
Ok technically hokkien is a language, but who gives a shit.
Loke's my hokkien man.

So we entered a law firm called Law Hub.
And then I watched as he filled out a document which I later found out was
a deed poll.
The lawyer then asked him what name he would like to have,
and he told her to add Vance to the front of his current name.

I suggested to him that he just get rid of the Kea Loke behind it.
And add Lines to it. So it would be Vance Tan Lines.

But he told me to go fuck myself.
In a hokkien accent of course.

Now just what the fuck is a deed poll.
I took a copy too in case I ever felt the need to change my name.

And I'll just list a couple of FAQ's the form listed.

Q1 : What is a deed poll?

A: A deed poll is a legal document that enables you to change your name.

Q2 : Do I need to engage a lawyer's service for this?

A: Yes. a deed poll has to be prepared by a lawyer.In addition the document
must be signed by you in the presence of a lawyer for it to be valid in Singapore.

My favorite question.
This sealed the deal for me.

Q3. Can I change my name to anything I want?

A: There are generally no restrictions on what name you may want to change it to.

Q4: Can I add an alias to my name?

A: Yes you can add an alias to your name and it will be reflected in all future documents.

There a few other questions but simply put, there is no limit to how many times
you wish to change your name.And that you have to inform relevant organizations
and shit yourself and you have to be above 21 to do it on your own, your parents
must be present if you're below 21.

And the last question.

Q10: How much does it cost to do a deed poll.

A: Our legal fees for a deed poll is $90 excluding GST.
The Singapore Immigration and Registration requires a fee payment of $60
whenever there is a change of Identity Card.

Do you know what this fucking means?
For just $90 Mats can add animals to the back of their names.
Minahs can actually legalize Baby at the front of their names or
San at the back of their names.
Hell you could call yourself Colonel Sanders , and even have an
alias like The Pink Zebra for $90 bucks.
And another $60 to have it in your IC.

I was so intrigued by this whole deed crap, that during lunch
afterwards with Vance. Vance Tan.
I considered changing my name.

Me: Eh Loke, shit I mean Vance.Vance Tan.
I think I also wanna change my name.

Vance.Vance Tan: Nahbei, early don't want to say.

Me: Eh fuck. I'm still considering right.

Vance.Vance Tan: Change to what? Juuvenido?

You see .
When Vance.Vance Tan suggested that name, it was only because
it would sound like You Bend I Do.
And not because he was sincere in helping.

Anyways moving on.

Me: I always hated the Cornelius in my name.It's so corny.
Jason Cornelius Pereira. Ergh.

Vance.Vance Tan: Then you wanna put what sia?

Me: Fuckin'.

Vance.Vance Tan: Siao ah. Where got people put such name wan?

Me: Exactly fucker. Jason Fuckin' Pereira. With the '.
You cannot forget about the ' bitch.

Vance.Vance Tan: Then change lor, when you want to do.

Me: Ain't you a supportive fuck.Maybe Christmas.

So this Christmas , if there is anyone out there who would
like to change their names.Please let me know so we may head
down together and celebrate our new names together afterwards.

And I ain't Joking.

The following day, I was bored at home browsing Friendster.
Yes. I still use Friendster.
People have been telling me Facebook is the shit , there are
celebrities there and shit but maybe in due time.

So I came across someone who I had once did an entry about.
A fellow mat tudung.

A couple of its pictures.

I had no idea what it was talking about in it's caption so I had to ask my friend Ahmad.
Oh Ahmad.

You'll find out who he is in a while.
Oh Ahmad.

Just to make things simple.
Here's a print screen.

I was finding the same shit hilarious as I had about a year ago,
but after doing some random clicking.
I found out that this was not the only Mat Tudung on the web.
But there was actually quite a number of them.
And all this within 5 mouse clicks.

So this is like a few of his friends.
No one's paying for my therapy so these should suffice.

Hell it had gotten so bad that even other transexuals were taking pity
upon this following group of Tudung Trannys.

Yes, apparently it has gotten that bad.
Shit ain't so funny now is it.
You know it's real freaky when other transsexuals find it freaky.

And if that shit wasn't bad enough.
I had the unfortunate chance of coming across Bella Manje.

I always never understood certain transsexuals.
If one chooses to be a transsexual why does one sometimes behave like a slut.
If you claim to be a ladyboy.
Why do you never behave like a lady? Or like a boy.

I can accept it one is a transsexual but behaves like a lady.
A lady doesn't do the following , and the same goes for a boy.
And here is Bella Manje.
Showing us just why some people have such hatred towards
transexuals.

Oh yeah.
You had better start thinking of a happy place or happy things
in case things get a little unbearable.

Don't worry I'll do it with you.

Now Bella.
POSE FOR ME BELLLLLAARGHHHHHHHH.

Yes..
Yess...Yesss.
Disneyland...Minnie Mouse...Donald Duck...

Ok we made it through the first one.

Ok.

Hit me Bella.

OH GOD.
PINK FLUFFY BUNNIES WITH LITTLE PINK BOWTIES
BOUNCING.YES BOUNCE LITTLE BUNNIES BOUNCE.

Ok Bella.
Now do The Toad.

Oh how my eyes hate me now.

Cover up Bella! Cover up for crying out loud!

Oh why do I even bother.

Enough! Enough I say!

Ok maybe one last one.

Alright, contain your happiness Bella.

Now I am in need of some serious help , but do watch this video
of my dear friend Ahmad as I try to decontaminate my eyes with
several bottles of Dettol.

Don't worry .
It is indeed a very hilarious video.
And my friend Zip , even found the dudes in the video
prettier than most girls.

lol.

Now wasn't that shit entertaining.
And I thought when I had to see Zaini scream it was already hilarious
enough.

Hahahahmadahhaha.

You should check out his channel.
Provides more entertainment than the fucking crap they
put on T.v these days.
With girls bouncing and shit.
How can you not dig that shit.

See Ahmad.
There really was nothing to worry about.

Hahahaahmadhahahhaha.

Oh Ahmad.

Till Then ;

Mucho Love ,

The Critic

The Zainilicious Era.

2008-08-28T00:47:00.001+08:00

I hate doing this.
I'm starting to feel like a fucking bully picking on whiny queers that just don't
seem to know when to stop.

So today , I'll put an end to this pathetic "feud" real quick.

Now for a little bedtime story.

Some Years ago before I ever started this blog , there was a boy.
And he was a strange little boy. While other boys his age played with
G.i Joes and them Captain Planet action figures.

This boy had other things on his mind.He grew an obsession with wearing
pants that were obviously created for the opposite sex.But he didn't care ,
Nope.Care he did not my child.
He didn't mind that people found pink hot pants on a male to be a mockery.
He didn't mind having to go down low 6 1/2 days a week on strange men ,
to have enough money to fill his wardrobe with more shorts of different colors.

Nope.Even if it gave him the dirtiest knees the world has ever seen.
Unfortunately , when he was a teenager he decided to create a blog
dedicated to high fashion and believing that anyone that was not thin as him
would be considered fat and ugly.

And with the support of a few other whiny queers and teenagers that
found Lion King to be a violent movie.He started believing he was on his
way to becoming a celebrity blogger.

And I can assure you that when he takes note of this entry,
he will add on to the belief that he's getting more famous .
But trust me , as I am not as "famous" as he is.
I will not be touching myself tonight to a picture of Hady Mirza,
with Elton John's Greatest Hits playing in the background.

But it wouldn't end there.
Our dear "friend" wait make it "acquaintance".

You see , this prick once believed I was his friend.
Even though I never read his blog or ever spoke to him.
And when I told him off.He said he meant to say I was more of
an acquaintance to him.

Funny.
I don't remember even knowing what the fuck he was
about before this entry.

He then decided that he would create videos promoting extreme dieting,
with phrases such as "You do not need food" against pictures of super thin
supermodels.
Here is a prick trying to bring about anorexia and bulimia.
And that you could never be perfect if you were nothing close to him.

And together with a bunch of idiots that seem to buy their fucking insults
online to insult me.As if me showing people that stupidity has the availability to come
from a fucking happy meal box wasn't enough to knock some sense into
their little heads.

I wouldn't be surprised if anyone told me they sexually satisfy themselves
with color crayons.

And for fuck's sake.
According to this prick, I look like a cockroach.

Dear "Acquaintance" , the next fucking time you choose to insult someone.
Do it without your pants on.
It's a simple cycle really.

Pants too tight -> Suffocating Crotch -> Inability to breathe right
-> Inability to think properly which then will lead to what I call
"Jason Pereira is an alienated cockroach" insult.

Hold on.Let me get myself into some tight pants before I return an
insult.

You Fauzi.
You look like this.

Now doesn't all that shit just make so much sense.
I'm a alien cockroach and you're a serial killer , and you are going to kill me.

You complete me .

And I know how you are going to say shit like you're thankful that I wrote about you.
(Now you won't because I mentioned the above)
And I know how you're going to say shit like it doesn't bother you.
(Now you won't because I mentioned the above)
And I know how you're going to say I'm simply making you more famous.
(Now you won't because I mentioned the above)
And I know how you're going to say you never were my friend but an "acquaintance."
(Now you won't because I mentioned the above)
And I know how you're going to say you hate me because I didn't let you suck me.
(And I know you still want to but that ain't never gonna happen)

And coincidentally , Voguelicious is going to have a new video out soon.
And I just got finished with my most recent one.
This is just fated you guys.

Like Zaini said.You don't have to be a fucking thin prick in pink hot pants
to feel good about yourself or feel worthy of being in this world.
Eating disorders are not something to not be taken seriously.
And if you're going to listen to an idiot who talks about being fat when
he weighs less than my left arm.

You're better off dead.

People see you the way you see yourself.

So don't view yourselves in the same way the prick views himself.
For a person that tries so damn hard to convice himself that he
is a walking piece of perfection is only showing you that he is insecure
about himself.

Till then ,

Mucho Love ;

The Critic.

P.s : I would have asked Zaini to swallow Voguelicious too but the toxic coloring from their brains and clothes would have killed my beloved chubby friend.

This Shit Just Got Criticlicious.

2008-08-21T15:38:00.006+08:00

Firstly a thank you to Sophia for helping me with the new layout.
I officially owe you one babe.

Now I would have updated sooner but I was dealing with the depression after
finding out that I looked like a cockroach according to a certain male prick.

lol.

I sure will never be the same again after that insult.
But, I know better than to that to go up against whiny queers with
brains that are still developing so no loss there.
But it's sure good to know that one of my close friends found the fact
that I looked like a cockroach super hilarious.

And after complaining to me a few nights ago, that he feels I have
forgotten him as my friend for I have not mentioned him in this blog,
for quite a while.
And to give him the much needed reassurance he needs that I still care

for him as my bloody friend this short section will go out to him.

I hope you still remember my dear friend Razif.

Yes.Old Mr Pesilat by day, and Penjilat (The Licker) by night.But you would be glad to know that he has put his cross dressing ways behind him and actually got engaged a while back.

Him on his big day.

Good looking tranny this man.

Never was a fan of shoes.But he told me I needed to understand,

that it would take a while for him to get out of the heels and pumps he's always used to.

And the great man he recently got engaged to after 3 months

of buttery anal sex , and pink cuffs and chains.

He always liked his men really big.

Now tell me with a straight face that these are two gay men who

are not happily attached to each other.

I never was a fan of male on male sex , but that's just my sexual preference.

But as Razif is my friend , and I love him as a straight male friend.

Keep shoving each other's meat sandwiches up your chocolate factories.
As long as you're happy.I'm happy.

Even if you have been "the female" in all your 29 previous relationships.

Now Razif and I have a very unique friendship.
It wasn't always like that.
Back in the secondary school days, Razif used

to to have a little schoolgay crush on me. But we have worked pass that issue,

and our friendships still remains strong and straight after all these years.

Everytime we meet, Razif makes it a point to at least hang out with me once a month,

to catch up on things.Most of our meetings results in him telling me about his sexual fantasies

and just how big his penis is.

Yes, you read me right how big his penis is.

He often reminds me that I have an average sized penis and his penis has

the ability to satisfy horses , sealions , african bull hippos and his personal favorite,

Sewer pipes.

There has never been one meeting where he doesn't remind me he's that big to the

point that he can fit his manhood through most sewer pipes in singapore.

Thus the reason for calling himself The Stallion.
And he also once told me that on weekends and certain times of the year, it can erect

a couple of more inches than usual.

During the last meeting while I was having a plate of fried rice , he suddenly perked up

and told me he had something really important to tell me.
To be honest I got slightly afraid, I was praying and hoping that this fuck wasn't going

to tell me that he had an erection.

Thankfully he did no such thing but then proceeded with the conversation as stated ;

Razif : Eh Jason , Kau pernah goncang beh badan kau mcm naik2 , mcm jerk2 gitu?

Razif: Eh Jason , Have you ever masturbated and had your body react in a uprising manner,

like it's jerking before?

Me: (Slightly shocked) Pernah ah, Orgasm ah tu.

Me: (Slightly shocked) Yes ah , that's an orgasm ah.

Razif : Tadi ah dok, aku goncang tengok porn beh badan aku naik2 sial.

Razif : Just now dude, I was watching porn and my body was moving upwards.

For the record , he was watching http://www.baitbus.com/

Me: Jip, aku tengah makan puki kau.

Me: Jip, I'm eating , you vagina.

Razif : (Ignores) Aku rasa mcm naik The Pineapple Express sial.Razif :
(Ignores) I felt like I was onboard The Pineapple Express fuck.

Me: Thanks Jip. Thanks.

Now I have no idea what made him tell me such information that particular night

and up to this very day I still have no idea what The Pineapple Express is , and just

how it may bloody feel to be on board the Pineapple Express.

But Razif, I hope you are happy now that I have mentioned you once again after a few months and I hope that you will refurn the two boxers you stole from me after reading

this particular entry.

Now a while back after my little issue with a certain prick.

I received a couple of hate tags with nicks "Vogue" at the back of it, telling me

to sniff my mother's undergarments and that I should get my legs toned and shit.No doubt whiny queer friends of the prick.

And a week later I actually found of who a few of these pricks were.

And all I can really say is now I officially know how it would be like if B.J Kadir

and Chef Wan had the possibility of mating and having 5 children.

Them mating would result in them having children like this.

For a while , I thought that their dressing sense looked pretty familiar.

But I just couldn't put a finger on it.

Then I realized.How much more dumb could I possibly be.

This had been the inspiration for the color of their clothes this whole time.

Hmmm.

Could it be.

Could it motherfucking be that Voguelicious gets their inspiration from a Happy Meal Box.

Gay does also mean happy.

Wait.

Could they be that intelligent.

Yup.

Sure looks like it.

If I had didn't know any better , I would have thought them out to be ambassadors for

the Happy Meal Box.

I hope Macdonalds sue you bastards or bitches.

lol.

I never really knew who the fuck they were or what the fuck they were about , till

a couple of friends told me that I should go and check their video out.

What's the fucking harm in that right?

So I took a look at this particular video of them.

Well.

I guess it is pretty good.

Pretty good if you need some kind of confirmation that you are not gay.

But how you ask?
Simple.

If you found the following video a turn on.You are Gay.

If you sat through all 3:50 minutes of the video.You are officially GayLicious.

The PussycatDolls have their fair share of scrutiny from the media.

So I'm pretty fucking sure Singapore's only male pussy cat dolls wouldn't mind this entry

about them.

Thank God.They are the only male pussy cat dolls.

Anymore and I'm going to become a terrorist against the very country I love.

After all , bad publicity is still publicity right bitches?

lol.

And yes , I know.

Karma's a bitch.

But aren't you afraid Jason that by insulting these whiny queer dancers,

fate would have it that you would one day father a whiny queer dancer.

Hmmmm.True that.True that.

Now let's picture that scenario.

It's a bright Monday morning and I'm seated at the dining table ,

having some breakfast just before I head off to work because hopefully I do have

a job.

And my wife is behind me sipping some orange juice , also getting ready to

head off to work because hopefully she too has a job.
And this little boy around the age of 5 unfortunately my queer sondances into the Kitchen singing a PCD song going all ;

When I grow up I wanna be famous ,

I wanna be a star I wanna be in movies ,

When I grow up I wanna see the world ,

Drive nice cars I wanna have Boobies!

I'll gently call out to him and when he walks up to me going all "Yes Daddy?".

I'll grab his head , smack it down onto the table , pull his pants down and reach out

for the sausage that I was having for breakfast.

And at this point , the wife will scream :"What the fuck are you doing?"

Boy do I love vulgar women.But that's beside the point.

And I will turn to her and say : "Listen woman, you trusted me enough to spend a lifetime

with me.Now trust me again this once."

And she'll ponder over what I've said.And I'll shove that sausage up that little kid's ass.

And then sit him down beside me and ask him.

"Now tell me son which I had placed all hopes of being straight when I made love to your

dear mother.Tell daddy if you enjoyed that? "

And the outcome will depend on how he answers next.

Yes : Out the 12th Storey window.

No : I love you.

I'm just playing.

Who the fuck do you think I am.

My Father?

lol.

It will be probably like this ;

Son : Dad , I think I may be queer. I like dancing to the Pussycat dolls, and I have the

word "licious" at the back of my email name.

Me: Now son , look at it this way. Picture yourself walking into me and your mother's bedroom,

and you find Dad in bed with Gurmit Singh.

Son: No fucking way! The president?!

You see in the near future , for me at least. Gurmit Singh has become president after singaporeans decide that they just could not get enough of him even though he sucked after

the first season of Phua Chu Kang.

Me: Yes son. That would be wrong wouldn't it.And you're only 5.

No fucking vulgarities.Wait till you're 6.Your mum is going to kill me if she finds out.

Son: But Dad , you're not helping.

Me: Okay look here. What storey do we live on.

Son: The 12th Dad. Why.

Me: Good.Now see that window.That is where you going out of if I ever hear another

PCD song in your room.

Son: Thanks Dad.I feel better now.I'm going to watch some porn now so I don't end up

like Uncle Razif and have to wrestle naked with a big arabian husband every night.

-end-

But enough about all this talk about queer dancing and shit.

Isn't it funny how there are types of gay people just like there are

different types of straight people.

That's for another time.

Now , I'll share with you some pictures that my friend Ewan sent to me

through an email and believing that I would like it.

Be careful of friends who have a thing for penises of monkeys and the human race.

Maybe you may have seen it.

But if you have not.

You may want to take your dinner first, for this shit is about to get ...

You all remember this one.

Now meet his other unfortunate friends.

And my personal favorite."Lan Chao Mee."

Oh come on , it's a little freaky and sic I'll admit.

But it's funny.

I need help.

Till Then ;

Mucho Love ,

The Critic

Panties And Noses.

2008-08-03T19:20:00.004+08:00

It's been a month since I last updated.
How time fucking flies.

But it's pretty good I must say , to have a blog and
not have any commitments to it.The simple feeling of
being able to update anytime you wish is pretty good.
I would update more often if I didn't have to be welcomed
by a tagboard full of crap half the fucking time.

But this is what you can afford to do when you don't
give a fuck about establishing yourself through a bloody blog.
You don't have to update regularly for the fear of losing readers
or sponsors who make you advertise products you have never
fucking heard of till they tell you to advertise it on your blog.

Never also will the day come when you see banners on this blog,
telling you to vote for me for some blog award crap.
I never understood this blog awards crap.
Even if I won a bloody award for say, having the best blog in Asia.
It ain't going to make me a better person.Inflate my ego yes maybe.
But that shit I don't need.
That shit is just superficial, and that is some shit I'll never do.
They day you fucking see me post banners asking any of you to
vote for me will be the same day, you know that I have been held
captive by Nuffnang advertisers who have been making Gurmit Singh
shove white fluffy bunny rabbits up
my ass.
And who is also satanic by the way.

And for the record, I don't have anything against those of
you who advertise for Nuffnang.It's your blog.You're free to
do as you wish with it.
Alright Nuffers or Nangers or Nuffnangies.
I don't know what you call yourselves these days but yes.
Keep nuffing yourselves.Or nuffing each other's nangs.
You know you guys are pretty vulgar.
Nuff my nang mothernuffer.Go nuff yourself.Go nang and die.
Come Nang my Nuff.Nang yourself in my Nuff.
Shit the possibilities are endless.
Hmm.
Interesting.

But anyways, like I said.

Never will you see me making banners for you to post on your blog,
stating you read me.
I may make a banner saying something like maybe ;
"Gurmit Singh is Satanic." but that's about it.

Tsk.
Blog Awards.
Please vote for me :(

l o fucking l.

If my fucking testicles are going to grow a pair of legs,
and plop itself right beside me and watch rented dvds with me
and share a plate of popcorn with me.I'll start asking people to vote
for me.But till then , I ain't gonna give much of a shit.

The first time I started writing, I sent my blog to be studied
by a certain well known blog forum in Singapore, and they straight
out told me I was a little too vulgar for them.

Sugar coated pricks.

And neither will you have to see me post a youtube video on
40 reasons why not to eat , with stupid attempts at subliminal
messages claiming that "You do not need food" and shit so you can
fit into a pair of hideous hot pink shorts.

No matter what some prick may tell you , I'm telling you this now.
A few kilograms will not kill you , unless you know.You're like a whale
and your doctor has told you to cut down on the kilos.But if you're at a healthy
BMI , then screw the belief that one plate of nasi lemak is going to kill you.
Anorexia or Bulimia will kill you if you keep watching such videos.
By a certain stupid prick.

And as this is not an entry based solely on the following crap above.
I'm going to cut it short and break down a few things I wanted to say.
Read the following.

1.Tagging me constantly with your link, does not automatically make
me your friend.I am not that cheap and fake.You may as well send me
discount coupons for Burger King as a dowry to ask for my hand in marriage.
Please do not do it by the way.
Because I'm likeeeeee so friggggin fat rite nowwwwwwww.And I can't fit
into my hot pants.So Puh-leassse Bitchesssssss.

2.I am not Singapore's only male Prick.So I am not going to be the type of
person who wants to befriend every other blogger out there.
Although I have made good friends from this blog , and I thank you for
all the outings and gigs you invite me to.And phone conversations
long into the night about things that still make no sense to me till today.
And again tagging me constantly does not make me your bloody friend.

3.And finally for the love of God.Don't do shit like advertise your own
blog on my tagboard. I understand and appreciate when you tag with a link
to identify yourself.But to tag every two weeks saying "Nice Blog"
with the same link.I would kinda notice you know.You don't see me
tagging on every blog I come across with my link in the hope of attracting
more readers do you.
Simply because at the end of it all, I do not care if 10 people or a 100
or even a thousand read me.I won't allow it to change the person I am.

I still won't give a fuck how many read me, 3 hours 45 minutes from now,
neither will I still give a fuck how many read me 3 months from now,hell
even if I grow to be a senile old man and for some weird reason still writes
for a blog, I'll have my grandchildren remind me to still not give a fuck.

Ok I believe that's everything that I have wanted to get off my chest.
I wonder if this is the same way you girls feel when you take off you bras
after a long day at work.
I don't know, I'm just saying.

Now that all that crap has been said,and the voices in my head are
silent for now.
Now you know why I haven't been updating regularly these days.
And plus the fact that I'm in the last month of National Service.
I'm just savoring the time I have left with these fucks that I have
bonded with in the time I've served.

Most people choose to clear their leaves and off days towards
their last days.I prefer otherwise.

Let's move on to the real reason I updated.

Oh yeah, before I forget.
Zaini the Mat/Minah dude told me to thank you guys for your
support on the video he did and because of that the cute chubby
fuck has agreed to succumb to more of my video ideas of course
with my 2 other friends who you will soon read about.

Now.

Wait.
Did I mention Gurmit Singh is Satanic?

I did?

Okay.

Now we move on.

Today people, I need your help.
Don't worry.It's not much of a hassle.
In fact it could help save someone's life.

I want you to meet a friend of mine.
This is Nazri.

Not the little baby yes.
That is not Nazri.The cute malay boy holding the baby is
Nazri.
Now tell me isn't that a cute malay boy.
I always believed that all malay boys should be that cute.
You know from a straight subjective point of view.
But at least I thought so.

Just from the way Nazri is holding the baby,
you can tell he will be a great father someday.
But what do I know.My dad looked great holding me
when I was a baby and I turned out defunct like this.

But anyways.

You see my friend Nazri has a problem.
The other day I was telling the guys,
Zaini (You know him already), Nazri and this guy.
The one who I keep telling you guys looks like Mas
Selamat, at least to me.

Okay, technically he did not say those things.
But the voice in my head told me they did.So I shouldn't
deny it it's rights to voice out it's personal opinion.

Now he's known to Abang Kai to the three of us.
Because whenever Nazri and Zaini has heart woes it's
him they go to for advice.Not me, the two of them feel
I don't give proper advice.
I on the other hand do not.
I console myself.

What.You expect me to go to a Mas Selamat look alike for
advice?

I'm just kidding.
You should always go to your good friends for advice.

As long as they don't resemble Mas Selamat.

Now that you know the 3 people I am about to mention.
We can begin our little story.

The other day I was telling these 3 guys about this girl
that I came across that was selling her used undergarments
for money on the internet.

I will get to this later.

And Abang Kai of course knew this.
And he told me that it had once appeared on the newspapers.
Abang Kai knows everything.I wish I was Abang Kai.
Anyways, I told them how she was selling them with the option
of it being soiled with her pee stains.

In which I then asked them why would any guy want to purchase
pee stained undergarments.Now I know some guys have a fetish
for smelling the undergarments of their girlfriends or wives, and
we started talking about it. And Nazri all of a sudden seemed very
appalled by all of this.

You see, Nazri is a very innocent boy.He only found out that his
penis could also be used for something else other than peeing at the
tender age of 18.It was also at the tender age of 18 that he learnt that
a penis could also be used to provide pleasure for someone of
the opposite sex and in some cases pleasure for someone of the same sex.

But anyways,Nazri found it extremely very hard to believe that
sometimes men enjoy the scent of the undergarments belonging to
their partners.

And then Nazri let out a heavy sigh.
We then all looked at him and asked him what was wrong.
Now I was thinking to myself ;

"Oh dear, he's sad because has never smelt one before.
Or maybe he smelt one that belonged to a man instead of
a woman.*cough cough his twin brother cough cough*".

But then he told us that he felt that he didn't have a cute nose.
I have no fucking idea to this day how the subject changed to pee
stained undergarments to his nose not being cute.
But being good friends the the 3 of us consoled him that he indeed
had the cutest nose and was one of the better looking boys in camp.
He took off running after that with a tear in his eye.

Me and Kairul were too old to give chase.
You know us being born in 1985 and shit.The years haven't been
kind to us.Zaini the younger one among us gave chase after him
but grew tired after 5 steps.
We didn't see him for the rest of the day.
And when we did he just said it was just a phase for him.

So this is where you come in.
If you ever see this poor little man.

Do tell him that he has a cute nose.
And that he has nothing to worry about.
And make up like some lie that you too discovered
your sexual organs had a more meaningful purpose at
a late age too.

Alright.
I would be eternally indebted to you.

Now, about the whole undergarment sale thing,
I had mentioned earlier.

I came across this girl that sells her underwear,
for a certain amount of cash.
Easy business venture or downright wrong?

Now this was what I read from her "About Me".

So there's her reason for doing what she does.
And a quick reference to the stuff she sells.

And the services provided.

Alright now let's discuss this.
What do you think of it.
Do you feel it's wrong or do you think it's totally fine
to be making money from the one thing that exploits the horny
nature in men.

Well, if you think that it's downright shameless and wrong,
well she did mention that she is a poor student and struggling
to make some money by selling her undergarments online to
horny boys and horny men.
I'm sure there are a shitload of them on the net.

If I did that would you guys buy my underwear?

That's a rhetorical question by the way.
You had better not tell me your answer was yes.
Because if you want to buy underwear from a dude,
to smell.I think it's pretty wrong.
Women undergarments I can take, Men?
Maybe in the next lifetime.

Anyways, do you think that what she is doing is totally fine.
I mean, it's an easy way to make money right?
Sure it isn't morally right but does it not show men for who
they are.I mean if the girl is doing it to help put food on the table,
do we despise her and look down on her because she is reduced to
such acts for a couple of dollars.

I don't know.
You tell me.

To me personally, I feel that there are other ways to earn money.
And if that is the only way possible for her to make money to survive,
then hopefully she doesn't have to do it for long.Because such shit, will
take a toll on you in the long run.

Sad.
Really.

But anyways.
On a lighter note.
Do remember what I said about my friend Nazri.
And Nazri.
Just to show you and them how cute I think you are.
This one is for you.

See my friend.
I actually went "Cute Sey".
That is something very gay to do for me.
But because you are a good friend to me.
It just had to be done.

Till Then ;

Mucho Love ,

The Critic.

REALITY ZAI : MAT AND MINAH IMPRESSIONS. Ver 1.0

2008-07-03T21:40:00.006+08:00

Now today , I won't have to bother with writing much crap as
I have a video to make up for it.

Today my dear friend Zaini will be doing his 5 best impressions
of 2 of our society's most infamous characters.

The Mat & The Minah.

In this little video he will immitate 5 well known actions
of a Mat and 5 well known actions of a Minah.

This is what happens when you have 4 guys who are
locked within 4 walls and often spend time
talking crap and doing immitations and funny voices ,
just to pass the time in camp.

This video was shot entirely on a handphone,
editted using the phone's video editor and uploaded
onto Youtube by a friend of mine resembles Mas Selamat
too much.

It's duration would be in the range of 2-3 mins.
So if you really have nothing better to do , what am I saying.
You're already here reading halfway through this crap.
While you go have gone and touched yourself to porn
you decided to waste minutes of your life here.

So what the hell.
2-3 more minutes can't hurt.

And as I have to just write randoms pieces of meaningless
sentences here , just so that when I upload this video It wont be
bumping into the tagboard and shit as I have no fucking idea
how to make the video smaller as I suck at Html and I refuse
to try.

So I may as well tell you about the video and what
Zaini is going to do in it.

He will first give an introduction of himself and with that
in a numeral sequence his impressions will begin.
It will begin with Mat Impressions and just so you
know what the hell he is actually doing when the video
commences , if you have never in your life seen a Mat.
This will help.

It will be something like such ;

5.Behavior in a staring incident.
4.Behavior in checking out a female's butt.
3.Behavior in requesting for a female's contact number.
2.Behavior while swearing .
1.The Trademark Dance : The Fireball.

And in the Minah Impressions it will be
as such ;

5:Acknowledging another Minah.
4.Checking out a Mat.
3.Behavior for Friendster Photos.
2.The Tabung Amal [ The Donation Bin]
1.The Trademark Dance : I have no idea what's it called.

Now watch.

As you can see , my dear friend Zaini really took the portrayal
of a minah to a whole other level.
And I didn't even have to persuade him.Half the time
he was throwing ideas on how it should be done.
It takes a real man to allow other men, which
unfortunately had to be me and Kairul another dude
to tape his chest , draw motherfucking flowers on
one side of his chest and the word "Cleavage" on another.

I have newfound respect for this man.
And I will soon see a therapist regarding the taping
chest event.

Till then ;

Mucho Love ,

The Critic

The Heartbreak.

2008-06-05T14:50:00.003+08:00

Alright.

It's been a while hasn't it.

I know there were a few fuckers that came up with
their own smart ass theories about my absence.

But I was just away for 2 months of operational duty.
And boy did I meet all kind of assholes while
I was on operational duty.

And I even got the utter displeasure of viewing a sex video
of one of the very girls that has been featured here.
I've developed a phobia whenever someone asks me
nowadays.

"You live in Tampines right Jason. Do you know this person?"

*proceeds to take out handphone*

What was shown to me that night was a video of a certain girl
getting it on with her partner.It just a took a few seconds for the familiarity
of her face to kick in and I swear my jaw dropped with such speed I was surprised
it didn't get dislocated.

Thank God I had not erected to that shit.
I would probably have to spend an endless amount of time
disinfecting my penis.

But it's all cool.
For now.

I'm still pretty tired from all those duties so I'll keep them
entries short for a while.

Now let's see if I can still remember how to go about
doing this shit.

Yesterday , I was just chilling in my old office when the topic
of hot celebrities was brought up and a few of the guys in the
office were pretty much debating and talking about which female
celebrities were their objects of desire.

What else is there to fucking do in the army besides talk about
the opposite sex half the fucking time .Being forced to be in a camp
with another hundred dicks,and the only time you see tits would be
the aunties who cook your meals in the cookhouse and trust me.
I never want to know what goodies there are under those white aprons.

So the guys were just talking about Fiona Xie.
Almost every malay soldier I've met in this whole NS period
has at one time or another tell me how much they fantasize
about that woman.

And trust me, when you meet guys who just tell you shit like ;

"Dude, I don't even need to get it on with her.Just being able
to even smell her elbow would be enough."

Trust me you know they take the term fantasy to a whole different
level.

It's always either about Fiona Xie or Jaymee Ong.
But yesterday one of the guys mentioned that he had
a strong love interest in Cheryl Fox that news presenter from
Channel Newasia.

This woman.

I was listening to their conversation the whole time till the comment
about Cheryl Fox being "fucking hot".
In which I questioned him and asked if she was really that hot.
After all we all have our own opinion of what's hot.

And due to the fact that his girlfriend would probably kill him,
if she got to know what he had said about Cheryl . I shall not name
the fucker.

He became extremely defensive when I said that Cheryl was really
just "okay looking."
He then told me.

"You should see her in real life, I saw her at this event once.
I swear I wanted to drop my pants right there and wank to her."

Nice.

He then later asked me which local celebrity I thought was hot.
In which I then proceeded to tell him that I thought Rebecca Tan
was hot.That Fashion Forward host.

This woman.

He then went on to tell me .
Rebecca Tan. She's a lesbian dude.

Now I fucking thought he was just pissed because I found
Rebecca Tan hotter than Cheryl Fox thus trying to come up
with some tale that she was a lesbian, so I told him to go fuck
himself.
He simply kept insisting that she was a lesbian.
And so hours prior to this I was researching on how true
it was that she was actually a lesbian.

I found out that she's a top lesbian icon for all lesbians in
Singapore and many wrote in due to that fact alone that she
was lesbian.
That wasn't enough evidence.
It's like saying David Beckham is gay just because
the fucker is a gay icon for all gay men.

That must be the fucking reason he's so heavily tattooed now.
I pray the day never comes where I see gay men with fully
tattooed arms and tattoos on their necks walking around town
in New Urban Male t-shirts.

It's just wrong.

In which then I later found out, that there were talks
on Rebecca Tan and Olinda Cho being an item.

Olinda Fucking Cho.

Olinda Mother Fucking Cho.

OLINDA MOTHER FUCKING CHO? !!!

Of course I was skeptical at first but a few sites I visited had
a few fuckers writing in saying how they spotted Olinda and Rebecca
in a few nightspots dirty dancing and shit.

I don't have an exact idea on how old this picture is.
But I swear to God that Catwoman outfit is sexy as hell.

I also saw this picture among the few pictures of them.

It bears no bloody relation to this topic.
But if you're gonna be bi or lesbian and have a picture taken
of you and your girlfriend making out.
At least try to make it look sexy and not like you're trying
to swallow each others tongue.

And then I went on to read how one site spotted her having a sparkling
diamond ring on her finger and adding more suspicion that she was seeing
someone.

Nice.

Every girl or butch that has a diamond ring on her finger automatically
is seeing someone.

Whatever it is.
I have yet to find out if Rebecca Tan is indeed a lesbian.
Or if she's bisexual.
And for that I am now an angry little man.
But if humping Olinda Cho makes her happy then I'm happy.

Never in my fucking life did I ever wish I was Olinda Cho till
today.

And now how many of you are familiar with that
"Who you'd rather do?" game.
The game where you ask someone to pick from two
different prospects and ask which one he or she would rather
get it on with.

It's a game every soldier I've met plays to pass the fucking time
in the army.And while I was in ops, this guy I met would often
ask me and the other guys
who I would rather do from a pick of local celebrities.
He was another man with an obsession towards Fiona Xie.

That game is just depressing.
You pick from two options that area obviously out of your
league and you know very well you stand a better chance
of getting it on with a dead dog than either of them , but yet
you still allow yourself to hope.

One day , I decided to add a little twist to that pathetic game
so instead of making him choose from a array of hot female celebrities.
I made him choose from a array of local male celebrities.

You know like ,
Who'd you rather fuck , Sheikh Haikel or Suhaimi Yusoff?
That kinda shit.

And I believe you all know Aaron Aziz and Adrian Pang.

Now when I asked him ,
Which one of these two he had to give some anal action to.
He struggled and told me this was just wrong but he knew he
had to pick one so in the end.

I asked.

"If you had to give soma anal loving action to Aaron Aziz or
Adrian Pang.Which one would you rather do?"

His reply.

"Cheebye la.In this case I'll take the "halal" one".

So there you have it guys a new game for playing with
your other camp mates.Trust me it's harder and funnier when
you force a guy to pick between two other guys.
Of course provided he's straight.

And now we all know this for a fact about Aaron Aziz.

Till Then ,

Mucho Love ;

The Critic

All Eyes On Mas.

2008-03-23T20:03:00.005+08:00

Today we will have a look on the one bastard,
who has managed to piss off about 80 % of the
Singapore Population.

In which after that I will refuse to ever speak of
or write about this particular asshole ever again.
Who else can it fucking be but our dear public
enemy Mr Mas Selamat Bin Kastari.

Now who better to share with you the stories
and facts about our infamous escapee than
myself.A soldier whose life has now been made
extra irritating thanks to a specific asshole
who felt the need to blow up Changi Airport one
fine day.

He could have fucking attempted to set fire
to a fishball noodle stall and nobody would have
given a fuck.But no.
Me Mas Selamat Wanna Bomb Bomb The Tall
Tower With Big Shiny Lights Where Aeroplanes
Go Zoom Zoom.

Jackass.

And this is a fucking true story.
About a week back, as I was making my way to camp
one early Monday morning, I bumped into one of my friends
at the bus stop I take to camp each morning and we were chatting
about , for fuck's sake I can't even remember what the hell he was
talking to me about but I'm pretty fucking sure it would not have
benefited mankind one bit.So no loss there.

So as we were standing there waiting for our perspective buses,
this bus came along and I noticed this dude that bore
quite a resemblance to that jackass Mas Selamat.
And to add on to the suspicions fucker was bent forward
and looking down as if to evade the eyes of the people at
that particular bus stop.

At that point of time,I had no fucking idea what was going
through my fucking mind but all I could think
about was boarding that bloody bus and checking to
see if my suspicionswere indeed right.
There was another bus in front of that bus, which
I had spotted this Mas Selamat lookalike so
I then suggested to my friend that we board
that fucking bus and find out if indeed it was that asshole in there.

And the wonderful conversation went as such.
Do note that I severed all ties with the bastard after that.

Me: That fucker looks like Mas, Let's board it and check it.

Friend: You crazy man? What if he has a gun or something?

Me: Shit man.You could be right.That explains why he
walks with a fucking limp.He's been hiding a gun up his fucking
asshole.I sure know how hard it is to walk with a gun up your ass.

Friend: Fuck you.I still ain't going.

So I boarded that bus alone, and made my way to the back
to find out that it was indeed not the fucker but some
thai dude that just had a similar skin tone and hairstyle to
Mas Selamat.

So in case Mas Selamat should be captured in the near future,
someone kindly inform the fuck that he owes me 90 cents for
that fucking bus ride.

Jackass.

And recently I've been having the utter displeasure of
having to be on 24 hour standby in camp these days.
And a couple of weeks back,when I first started doing these
standbys.A fellow camp mate also came close to me severing all
ties of friendship with him.

It was about the first week of staying in duty,
and I had spent the last couple of days in a fucking
uncomfortable store sleeping on a computer table
hard enough to crack the skull of an elephant.

And early one morning this friend of mine walks into
my office and the first thing he says with the uttermost
glee and with such joy upon his face you would have thought
he had his first wet dream all over again say ;

Asshole: "Eh Selamat has gone to Malaysia Jason!"

Me: Really?
At this point of time , I was pleased as it would have meant
the end to 24 hour standbys.

Me:Where did they catch the fucker?

Asshole:In Malaysia.They had like posters all over and shit.

Me:Posters?

Asshole: Yeah.They all said "Selamat Datang".

Which according to this asshole was extremely funny,
it would have been extremely funny considering the fact
that I was not on the receiving end of it.

You see people.
Selamat Datang means Welcome in Malay.
And Malaysia has all of that shit all over it's country.
Datang also can means To Arrive or Come Or Coming.
I think.
So as such , it meant Selamat Was Coming according
to that supposedly very funny joke.

I swear to God, the Detention Barracks at that point of
time would have seemed like a fucking spa to me if I did not
have good self control.

Everywhere you go , every person you meet .
Everyday that passes you are bound at one time
or another to hear that asshole's name.
Never have I met a man so consecutively cursed
by different strangers each day as long as he is on the run.

And everyone has something to say about Mr Mas Selamat.
Some of us , claim that we should do something more agressive
about it but just sit back and masturbate to them Deal or No Deal
Girls.

Some of us choose to sit back and insult the Nation's level of
security or lack of it and then preach about how better measures
could have been taken to prevent his escape and then masturbate
to them Deal or No Deal Girls.

Some of us curse and swear at Mas Selamat for giving us
constant jams to Johor Bahru for we can no longer get our
petrol and Ramly burgers at cheaper prices so we can later
masturbate to them Deal or No Deal Girls whilst feasting upon
our Ramly burgers.

Some of us just want to masturbate to Deal or No Deal girls.
And not give a flying owl fuck about anything else.

Everyday all we soldiers talk about is what we would do
if we managed to catch Mas Selamat.
A few of my camp mates and me were having our lunch
when the subject of Mas Selamat's capture arose.

The topic was what would each of us do if we had caught
Mas Selamat hiding behind a bush and we each had a M-16
machine gun with us.And it was just you and Mas Selamat alone.
What would you do.

A couple of my friends said they would shoot him in the nuts.
A couple said they would beat him up real good before
reporting his capture.
And then my turn came.
My friend James asked me ;

James: What about you Jason?
What would you do if you caught Mas Selamat?

Me: I'd make the motherfucker give me a fucking
blowjob.

James:What the fuck? You Gay Now?

Me:Fuck no.I'd make the motherfucker blow me
and then tell him that's the only thing he's going to
be blowing in Singapore.Changi Airport my fucking ass.

James: *laughs like a bean sprout seller*

I would.
I seriously would.
I may be fucking straight and thank God.
Yes God.
I thank you every fucking day for bearing me
into this Earth as a straight man who adores the
female body.

I'll shake your hand one day when, I mean if
I do go up there God.
Till then.You take it easy on them lives you hear me.
It's only the 3rd Month of 2008 and already there's been
quite a number of deaths.

You lonely Man?

lol.

I'm just kidding.

Now let's look at some of the conspiracies concerning Mas
Selamat.

There's been a rumor going on that he escaped while being
let to the toilet thus the infamous toilet break story.
And I don't know who the fuck came up with this picture
and spread it around but I hope he / she has had a good time
touching himself/herself to it.

It's been what ?
Close to a month now and he still hasn't been caught yes?
Anyways back to the conspiracy theory concerning this
toilet break crap.
They claim he escaped from the Detention Centre he was in,
from the toilet window.
Thing is , I've heard from a few reliable sources that the Detention
Centre's toilet does not have bloody windows.

Hmmm.

Then there's the whole conspiracy theory that he was killed
during interrogation and that this whole manhunt thing is just a
set up.
But thing is.
I really doubt the Government would put at stake the one thing
it has put the utmost pride in which is Singapore being a very
safe country.
Why would they want to taint the one thing they have been
so boastful about it this whole time.
Besides they could have just said that he died to natural causes
in jail.
And that when the family came to visit him, they weren't allowed
to thus rising even more suspicions of his death.

Wait.
The fucker has a wife and kids?
No one ever told me the fuck had a family.
I wonder how they're taking it.

As for me.
I cannot really explain how the fucker managed to escape
from a detention centre that secure.
Neither will I believe all claims on him knowing black magic.
And escaping from that detention centre through the usage of
black magic.
What.
You expect me to believe he humped a black cat under a full
moon and then used his armpit hair that had been basking
in the moonlight from his cell window for three nights
to unlock the locks to his cell and then rode his magic roll
of toilet paper out of
there.

Jesus please.
If you believe in that shit.
You may as well believe that the boogeyman
enjoys an occasional bottle of beer every
now and then.

To me what I really notice is that
not too many people are taking this whole
Mas Selamat terrorist thing seriously.
Some of us edit his photographs to look
certain ways like this for example which has been
in the papers.

Which is indeed pretty funny.
To a certain extent it's good you know.
We'll all sugar coat the fucking fact that a terrorist
that wants to potentially blow up our local airport would put on
a disguise to look like Phua Chu Kang or Harry Potter.

I guess it's good in a way.
It tones down the seriousness of a terrorist on the run.
I mean it's just Changi Airport right?
Who gives a flying shit?
As long as nobody we care about gets killed if he should
one day succeed in blowing that place up?

I would surely like to see what posters would
be up should he succeed in taking a few lives one day.
Maybe a few people will have to die in order for him to be
taken seriously.

But what do I know.
I'm a nobody.

And then you have this whole crap on how they put in the
papers how the search parties have been searching
every forested area in Singapore.

It's been what 3, 4 weeks.
I refuse to believe that by the 2nd day he would
have not seeked refuge at the home of a reliable
accomplice.
Fucking dude was a leader of a terrorist group
for crying out loud.
He's bound to have someone to rely on.

And recently.
I received a e-mail depicting Mas Selamat
in a few unique photographs.

For your entertainment you sick sick bastards.

Personally I find this one the most insulting.
lol.

This is downright freaky.

So is this shit.

But this one just takes the icing off the fucking cake.

Kudos to whoever who came up with that shit.
The shit was pretty cute.
Now excuse me as I go try to catch my father masturbating
to them Deal or No Deal Girls.

Till Then ,

Mucho Love ;

The Critic

Sex Stories.

2008-03-03T19:04:00.003+08:00

Today I will share with you some real life
sexual stories or sexually related
stories that throughout my life I have
come to know of through certain very unique
people I have met in this life of mine.
Some may be downright degrading ,some traumatizing
and a couple pretty fucking funny.

First dedication will have to go out to
a friend of my girlfriend who had requested
for me to give him a big Hi! the next time I did
an entry.

So Khaizir.

I would have done it you know.
But that would have just made me look gay.

So the first two horrifying sex stories will be
against your will Khaizir well be about you.
But I must say what happened to you dude was pretty
fucking funny.

Sex Incident # 1.

Our fellow friend Khaizir had once gotten it on
with a girl he once dated , and while they were getting
it on.
The girl had moaned out her ex's name.
I'm not exactly sure what was the name she had
moaned out but whatever it was.
It has got to be pretty fucking bad.

I mean to be having sexual intercourse
with a girl , and all of a sudden she moans out her
ex-boyfriend's name has got to be pretty traumatizing.

Imagine the blow to your ego and self-esteem.
But Khaizir handled it pretty fucking well if I must
say so myself.

Instead of getting angry or horrified like any other
normal guy would have probably been under such
a circumstance.

Mr Khaizir instead decided to moan out the mother's
name of the girl he was giving it to.

lol.

Classic.
You moaned out the fucking name of her mother in bed
to exact such sweet revenge.

lol.

In sexual incident #2 with Mr Khaizir.
He had once a girl go down on him or was about
to go down on him, when if I am correct she had
unbuckled his pants , pulled his briefs down and
instead of instantly going down on him like any other
normal girl should have.

She just stared at his penis .
For quite a while.

Okay imagine this.
You're a guy and you believe you're going
to get all lucky and have this hot girl blow you.
And as she unbuckles your jeans or whatever you
just get filled with utter anticipation.
So you just tilt your head back and wait to get
that sensual sensation you've been craving.

2 seconds pass.

Then 5 seconds.

10 seconds pass.

And you still don't feel anything close
to a sensual sensation.

You look down and you sit the girl
that was supposed to blow you just squatting
on her knees staring coldly at your genitals.

When I heard this.
I was shocked.I was going "poor fucking dude".
But Khaizir with his classic sex lines once again
went ;

"Would you like a measuring tape?"

I never really got to know how the rest
of the story went because I was just in so much
pain from laughing so hard.

And now.
Only now Khaizir.

Will I say.

HI KHAIZIR!

lol.

Now sexual Incident #3 will have to be one
of the scariest sexual experiences I have ever heard
to happen to a guy.

People meet Mr Iskandar.

Now little Mr Iskandar here was once a campmate
of mine and would often tell me stories of the sexual
encounters he had from the girls he picked up from
Alamak chatrooms.
He always felt this dire need to let me know about
his sexual encounters though I had never once ever
asked about any of them.

But a couple of sexual encounters that he had told me
had me laughing pretty hard.

It seemed he had picked up this malay girl
from the Alamak chatroom and he was going on
and on about how she was constantly flirting with
him and that they were going to meet in about a week's
time to pretty much get it on.

So it seemed they met over the weekend to pretty
much get it on.
Or so I thought.

Iskandar told me that he kept initiating
for it to happen and eventually it did.

So I then asked him what was so bad about
it.
It seemed that after they had done the deed.
And he was pretty contented with himself
that he has just gotten some and pretty sure
that he had given the girl a good time as well.

As he sat up and looked at her , she looked up
at him and said in the coldest tone possible ;

"Dah? Dah puas? Dah dapat apa u nak?"

Which translated means ;

"Done? Satisfied? Have you gotten what you wanted?"

If that had fucking been me,and to even dare think
I was giving it good to a girl only to have her ask me later
if I had gotten what I wanted in a tone so cold I wouldn't
be suprised if she shat out popsicles I would have probably
just walked naked into the furthest corner of the room.
Brought my fucking knees up to my chest, hugged them
and cried.

Hell I'd fucking wail like a puppy on
the brink of death.

Oh my fucking god.

I would rather attempt to hump a fucking
porcupine any day than to have a girl say something like
that after sex.

In Sexual Incident # 4 Iskandar had once
told me he was going down on this girl ,
and he commented it was as if he was going down
on a a salty sea cucumber.

I'm pretty sure that if you're going down
on a girl and you're tasting something more
salty you for sure are having a go at something else.
But Iskandar tried to be a gentleman about it.

Till he couldn't take no more.

And if that wasn't bad enough a few mins after
going down on that particular girl , she blushed and
said ;

"Sorry eh. Tadi you banyak buat I ketawa beh I terlepas sikit"

Which once translated means ;

"Sorry eh.Just now you made me laugh a lot so i had leaked
a little".

We all know most girls appreciate a guy with a sense
of humor.And making a girl laugh is a good thing.
And if you can make her laugh till she wets herself.
Then I guess to a certain extent that is still good.
But to make her laugh till she wets herself and then go
down on her.
Now that shit is just classic.

In Sexual Incident #5 I know of this story of
where this girl was getting it on with her boyfriend
at that time and actually went to say

"Eh pakai jari lagi mulia ah"

Which means "Eh use your fingers much better ah".

While the guy was giving it to her.
Oh God.

The poor fucking dude.

To have a girl say that you satisfy her better with you
fingers is just degrading.

I also remember having the chance of once
befriending this very peculiar dude who told me
his personal experience of eating his own sperm.

Very disturbing shit.

This particular dude.

A very unique looking dude.
He often told me stories of how guys would
wolf whistle at him each time he walked down bus
interchanges.
Because according to him from the back he looked
like a voluptuous girl.
Well come to think of it he did kinda look like a girl from
the back.

Oh my fucking God.
I had checked the motherfucker out.

Anyways.
He once told me , he was always one to do the most
random things.
So one fine day, I decided to ask him what sperm tasted
like and to my fucking horror he replied to my question
with such ease , I rechecked my question making sure
I had asked him the intended question.

So I then thought maybe he had heard from a female
friend till he said that it came from personal experience.

So I asked him.
How did he go about doing it.

And what he told me has put me off rice and fried egg with
soya sauce forever.
He told me there was one particular day where he was hungry
so he took out a plate and put some rice onto it.
He then went off to fry a egg and then poured some soya sauce
over it.
And then he wanked.
He motherfucking wanked and cummed onto that
fucking plate of rice with that fried egg.
In which he then calmly stirred everything together and
went on to consume all of it.

When I asked him why he did such a thing.
He simply told me because he wanted to be random.

I then told him well maybe it was tasteless because,
you had mixed it up with the rice and soya sauce.
And thus you know making it not taste so obvious.

Oh God.
I feel like puking now.

But he then instead of simply agreeing with me.
Then chose to tell me about another random experience
this time with a group of his friends.

It seemed a group of them wanted to do something
stupid and random just like their idols from Mtv's Jackass.
So around 5 of them got into a small circle, dropped their pants
and started wanking.
The challenge : Each had to cum onto this piece of square biscuit
they had and the last one to cum onto that piece of biscuit would have
to eat that sperm drenched biscuit.

I believe it was one of them Jacob's biscuit.

Oh God.
I hate biscuits now.

No prize for guessing who won.
Oh God.

And that was Sexual Incident # 6 and # 7.

Ergh.

Speaking of cum and shit.
A fellow friend of mine who is pretty close to me
has now changed the way I look at cum.

I have this particular friend who I shall not name
for he's just too sensitive to my humor and believes
everyone will look at him differently once they know
who he is.

I cannot blame them if they did.

For each time he gets it on with his girlfriend,
in his house.
He places a cup of water next to his bed.
Initially I thought it was like there to quench their
thirst should they get pretty thirst from getting it on.

Boy was I wrong.

I found out much later.
That my dear friend finds it pretty wrong to
cum on a girl after sex which I guess is pretty
sweet and also refuses to stain his bedsheets with
cum so whenever they get it on at his place and he
has to cum.

He grabs that fucking cup and cums in it.

And when I asked why bother placing water
in the cup then if you were going to cup in it.

He told me so that it'd be easier to clean later.

Oh my fucking God.
Hell.
If he had cummed on the girl's fucking
earlobe or elbow I would not have found it weird.
But to cum in a cup filled with water and then tell
me the water is there to make it easier to clean later
so the cum doesn't dry up and sticks is just very,
very wrong.

But that wasn't all.
It seemed before the idea of cumming in a cup
filled with water,he had been cumming in the palm
of his hand.

And when I asked him, what the hell he did with the cum.
Take a whiff?

He told me that he would then wash his hand.
Ah huh.
I'm sure you do just that my dear friend.

If that shit wasn't bad enough,out of curiosity
I once asked him where does he cum in the event
that he should get it on in a hotel.

And what did the dude tell me.
Again he refuses to cum on the girl or
the bedsheets.
And instead chooses to cum on the bedroom
wall which is supposedly next to the bed.

And when I asked him why the fuck didn't he just
cum on the bedsheets.
He told me to imagine if the room attendant walked in
and saw cum stains on the sheets after they left.

The motherfucking thing is this.
If you get it on in a fucking sleazy hotel,
the room attendant would obviously be expecting
to seem a cum stained bed sheet.
Imagine her checking the sheets only to find out
that the cum instead on the sheets were on the wall.

And quite recently one of my friends asked me,
if you cummed into a cup of water,would it float
or sink.

So I gave my dear friend at call and asked him
when he cummed into that cup of water.
Did he notice the density levels?
And if it had floated or sank to the bottom of the
cup.

What I got was a huge array of vulgarities thrown at
me over the phone.

Geez.
All a guy did was ask.

lol.

The people I meet.

And now in the army I meet this man.

Whom one of my close friends caught,
smelling his own underwear one night in the
camp's toilet.
He swore on his God and I know the dude is
a pretty pious man that he saw this huge ass
friend of mine stand in front of a mirror and
snuffed his face into his underwear and took a
long nice whiff.

Nice.

I've heard of men who smell the underwear
of their girlfriends.
But to smell their own.
Would any of you girls out there have a go at smelling
your boyfriends used underwear?

l o fucking l.

I'm pretty tired now.
So that will have to do for now.

Till next week.

Mucho Love ;

The Critic

J.I Just Irritating?

2008-03-02T18:01:00.004+08:00

I swear to God that there is nothing more I want,
than to just climb this chair I'm sitting on.
Drop my pants to my knees and bless this stupid
computer with a nice golden shower.

That's just how pissed off I am.
Get me?

Pissed off?
Pissing on the computer?

You know ?

Fuck it.
Why do I even bother with such jokes.
I suck at cracking them anyways.

I would have updated sooner,
but I've been kept busy by the army.
And it sure isn't helping much with a dear
J.I terrorist on the run thus putting me on
a whole week of standby next week.

I swear J.I stands for Just Irritating.
I have never been more irritated in my life.
Everyone's been going on and on about
how he's selamat now.
Selamat in malay means safe.
So for the last few days everyone I have
come across has been making that lame
ass joke as if they were the first to come up
with it.

You know everyone's been speaking about
two incidents .
One , this whole JI terrorist escape.
And the other Edison Chen and his sexcapades.

All I've been reading in the newspapers are
about how worried everyone is about this terrorist
that supposedly escaped while being let to use the toilet.
Thus the newspapers stated that many Netizens are
so called calling it the infamous "Toilet Break."

You know , kinda like ripping off from the whole
Prison break thing.

Except this time instead of a good looking intelligent
gay dude that tries to get out of prison to free his brother
from a certain conspiracy against him.
We have a short ugly ass dude that walks with a limp
and got out of prison in the hope of one day being
able to bomb Changi Airport.
Maybe if they gave him the job of sniffing luggage
at the airport for drugs.Then maybe he wouldn't be
so determined to blow that place up.

Nice.

Oh how very witty some of them must feel now.

I asked a couple of my muslim friends at camp
what was their take on this whole J.I crap.
I asked two of my muslim friends and both had
a different perspective on this whole J.I bullshit.

I asked them both a question on what would they
do if Singapore had to go into battle with these little
J.I fuckers.

"Would you shoot the fuckers in their faces?"

or

"Would you just let them be?"

Because you see , the Islamic religion frowns
upon one of their own killing another of their own.
So there would obviously be a little of a problem for
a Singaporean soldier that was muslim to shoot another
muslim that believes he is fighting a war for the very same
God they both believe in.

So I asked one of them the following.

Me: If a situation came where you would have
to kill one of these J.I terrorists , would you?"

Friend 1: Nope I wouldn't.I cannot kill another muslim,
even if he is practising the religion wrongly."

Me: But he has come to our country with the
sole purpose of killing our fellow countrymen.

Friend 1 : Yes, I still won't kill him.I would tell him
that what he is doing is wrong.

He then began to talk about the punishment,
of one muslim killing another to me.Which I really
didn't understand.
But basically what he was trying to say was that
instead of shooting the fuck he would tell him
that whatever he was doing was wrong.

Me: What if he threaten to kills you?

He starts talking again about the punishment
of one muslim killing another.

Me: Ok ok. I get it already.
What if he harmed your family?
Would you then have a more violent take on it?

Friend 1: If they start hurting my family then yes.
I'd kill em.

Me: But you see if you could stop one , let's say
a suicide bomber that tries to bomb our local airport.
If instead of shooting him when you could,telling him
instead what he was doing was wrong and he proceeds
to bomb the local airport.
Yes,even though his goal is to hurt and kill American
citizens and not other fellow muslims.
How much can you promise me that in such an event
there won't be any muslim staff or civilians around.
That they're going to give out flyers asking of all muslims
to avoid this certain location at a certain time.

He then simply said;
"Tak tahu ah, makan prata kau aje lah puki kau."

Which translated means;

"Dunno ah, just eat your prata lah you vagina."

"Idiot."
I mumbled under my breath and proceeded
to ask my other friend what was his take on it?

Me:How about you?
If a situation came where you would have
to kill one of these J.I terrorists , would you?"

Friend 2: Yes , I would.
How about you Jason. Would you?

Me: Hell , I'd shoot the motherfucker in
the face and then shoot him in the face a
couple of more times at point blank.

Friend 2:You'd shoot anything in the face if you
were given a chance.

Me: [laughs] Yeah , that's true.
But that terrorist is still a muslim.
You are telling me you would kill another
fellow from the same religion as you?

Friend 2: Yes I would.
He has come here to harm our country.
And I cannot just let that happen.
Even if he practices the same religion as me.
To kill in the name of God is simply wrong.

Me:Very good.Very good.

So by my little survey conducted.
1 out of 2 muslims would actually kill another
J.I terrorist.
I would have gotten a much more bigger response
if the other 8 muslims I asked had not asked me to
go to hell when I started asking them such questions.
And question me when the fuck did I start working for
Channel Newasia.

All I fucking tried to do was care.
Jackasses.

And then everyone has been going on a manhunt
and how they've deployed commandos,and gurkhas
and such shit into the forested areas of Singapore to
hunt down this limping terrorist.

And how they're asking everyone in Singapore
to notify the police if they do see him.

lol.

You have gotto be fucking kidding me.
You want to catch the little limping bastard,
I say put a fucking ransom on his head.
Put around 20 k for the capture of that ass,
and the next thing you know you'll see everyone
on the lookout for that fucker.
Hell I wouldn't be suprised if I saw makcik tudungs
in camo gear trying their luck among them gurkhas and
commandos in the jungle as well.

Jesus.
Putting up digitally altered photographs of
him with blonde hair in newspapers aren't going
to be much help.

I laughed when I saw today's new paper article.
They put blonde hair onto that dude's head.

Oh the stereotype.
That even a terrorist can be a mat at heart.

lol.

Then I have all this Edison Chen crap to deal
with.All the controversy about one grade C celebrity
having filmed and photographed his little sexcapades
which now has been made a mockery for the public.

Though I must admit.
A man to go down a girl so hairy ,
if you tossed a new born turtle into her
massive undergrowth the poor turtle would
only find its way out once it has reached it's
adulthood and that would only because it would
already been too heavy and would have fallen out
on it's own due to it's weight.

But I just cannot understand what's the big deal,
about a freaking celebrity who has sex with other
celebrities.
As if it is so motherfucking wrong to have sex.
Are we supposed to live under the dillusional impression
that only non celebrities have sex.

And also in today's newpaper I read about how
our very own celebrity blogger Miss Dawn Yang
had Edison offer her a pretty indecent proposal,
stirring quite a uproar in the whole blogging community.

I just can't help but be suspicious.
If someone like Edison Chen had hit on you,
why would you only mention it now?

I would like to believe her, but hell
I believed her then when she also said she didn't
have any plastic surgery done to enhance her looks.

I would like to go on about how much I think
about this whole Edison Chen controversy.
But I've got Edison sending me messages
telling me he would like to make love to me
in a Santa costume as I'm typing this shit.

lol.

Till then,

Mucho Love ;

The Critic

Happy V'Day Love.

2008-02-14T15:42:00.002+08:00

To the woman I love,

To set my eyes on you is one image
I never want erased.

To be certain you are the one i'm
destined to be with in this life I have
already been blessed.

To have thoughts of you in my heart
and mind with each day that I wake,
everything I had ever asked from love,
has been given.

To know the greatest joy in life
already comes from the love you
have given to me.
I have already lead the life some
were not blessed to.

To be in a world where love dwells among
the hearts of the cynics,to be in a world
where love has grown harder to find and keep,
I've found you.
And to find such love in you,and discover
and share it with you I have found happiness.

To start a journey in life together,
no matter how difficult it could be for us.
We will pull through whatever obstacles,
life may throw at us for at the end of it all
we still will have each other.

Always know no actions or words can symbolize
what I feel for you inside.
You have given me every reason to say that
life can be beautiful.
And no woman has touched my life the way you have.
I'll forever embrace you in my heart with tenderness
and care.
And always take care of the love and trust you have given
to me.
Fullfill all promises we've vowed to each other.

For I would tell the world just how much I love you,
but you already are the world to me.

I love you.

Jason.

A Rare Friend : Bluhd.

2008-02-09T14:22:00.001+08:00

Today's entry will not exactly be an entry most
of you are used to.

For today , this entry is dedicated to a friend of
mine.
A true friend that has always been there for
me and cheered me up in times of sorrow.

I will not post up recent pictures of her,
neither will I use her real name as she is
a very shy person by nature.

However I shall call her by the name
she has always gone by.

ila_baron.ila_manje.and her
favorite nick amongst them all.

ila_rambo.

Now my friend ila has always been good to me.
And always supported me in my work.
And for that in these hard times of her life.

For those of you who know of this woman
I speak of.You would know that as a friend
she has been there for us.
And would take a bullet for a friend anytime.

Even if she speaks of throwing humans
into scorpion pits and eating babies with
tobasco.

You know that if you ever needed someone,
she would be that person faster than you could say
Bandanna.

I am here now to be there for her.
And I hope all of you who read both me and her,
will help her get through this difficult period.

For you see people.
My Friend ila is heartbroken.
Yes.

Yes.
She has been heartbroken.
By a man . Yes.
But not anyman people.

She has been heartbroken ,
by A MAN WITH VENGEANCE.

She has been heartbroken ,
by A MAN WITH A BANDANNA.

Yes.
She has had her heart broken by
this man.

Now a short story on me and my beloved
friend ila.

Ila and me go way back.
We would often try to outdo each
other in our daily activities.

While I caught grasshoppers in the
field near our place.Ila would often
chase after butterflies with her ponytail
bouncing after her.

Ila used to be such a sweet girl.
That was till Rambo came along.
The moment Rambo hit the cinemas.
Ila became a changed woman.

She would keep asking me to take her
to Vietnam to see Rambo, even though
I kept telling her Rambo was in Hollywood.
She would often say I was evil for telling her
that Rambo was a fictional character.

Ila talked about Rambo everywhere we went,
During breakfast , during lunch during dinner.
There was not a single day that went by without
her gushing about just how muscular Rambo was.
And how his sweat glistened in the desert sun.

Everything about Rambo was sexy to her.
She took taekwondo classes and attained a black
belt simply because she wanted to have a black bandanna
around her forehead just like Rambo.

I never understood Rambo.
The ability to take out an entire battalion of soldiers,
with the ability to keep on fighting and saving other
prisoners of war, even though he had 6 to 8 bullets in
him.

The motherfucker just never seemed to die.
I told my friend Ila Rambo never died because
Rambo was satanic.
And she cried and refused to speak to me for 2
weeks after that.

I apologized,and only after I had sung the
Rambo theme song to her did she forgive me.

Often I would ask her , just what she found so
sexy about Rambo?
Was it his layered hair? His chiseled looks?
His muscular body?

She just shook her head to each question I
threw at her.

And I will never forget this moment for the
rest of my life.

We were sitting at a bench, viewing the sunset.
When she took her hand , and gently placed it on
my shoulder.
She then turned her head slowly to look into the setting
evening sun and with a strong look in her eyes
mumbled under her breath ;

"Determination Jason.It's his Determination."

I told her that Rambo was nothing but a dilusional
fuck on steroids and she screamed at me.
Again telling me I was evil.
I was about 15 then. She was 12.

I always had the time of my life telling
her Rambo was not real.
And each time she would cry and scream
at me and call me an evil boy.

I would always tell her that Rambo was
simply a imaginary character and that she
could never leopard crawl as fast as Rambo could
and she would always insist that I looked like
Celine Dion.

And I swear to God that if any of you even
for a second dare think that I bear any resemblance
to that woman.

I swear I will hunt you down and
hump your fucking earlobes.

Alright.
That'd be just weird.

But just so you know,I'll do something
like that should you think I look like
Celine Dion.

And because I told her one fine day,
that Rambo wouldn't last a minute in a
real war, we got into a pretty bad argument.

Ila never forgave me and told me I was
evil.She was so upset and hurt by my words,
she decided to spray paint the following image
upon the empty drainage walls opposite my house
to constantly remind me that Rambo is indeed real.

It is there to this very day.
And recently when me and Ila,went to
watch Rambo4 together .
She was flabbergasted to see that the
young Rambo she once knew was a now
simply a senior citizen on steroids.

Ila was never the same again.
Again she believed it was my evil
doing that Rambo now looked like a
dried up prune.

Now for all those who read her,
We all know just what a genius ila can be sometimes.
For in Rambo she has been leaving us a subliminal
message oblivious to most of us.

For she does not write about how much
she loves Rambo however she does
carry a piece of him wherever she goes.

There is a reason why she tells us she loves
her hair so much.

Were you smart enough to spot her subliminal message?

If you were not smart enough.
Think Bandanna.

Ila would have gotten over it eventually
if not for the deaths of one of Singapore's
most memorable icon.

Ah Meng.

Ila often would write in her own blog how much she
detested humans and just how conversing with monkeys
instead would make her a happier person.

All Singaporeans know just who Ah Meng is,
and at one point or another have taken a photo with
the lovely Ah Meng.

Singapore's most iconic animal I believe.
I remember taking a photograph with it.
Boy was it an experience but this isn't about me
but about my dear friend Ila.

And this is her her photograph with Ah Meng.
You were always the cute one I swear Ila.

Here you can see her trying to get pretty affectionate
I love the placement of her hands.

Simply trying to reach out to hug Ah Meng.
Or was she.

Hur Hur Hur.

Not many people who read ila know this.
But Bruce The Bastardized Banana was a gift from
Ah Meng.
Ah Meng had presented it to her during her visit
to him.

Another subliminal message Ila had been giving us.
Because you see people Ila would never feature the things
she loves with all her heart.

You ask why that Bruce is so angry most of the time.
You see when you were the gift from a sweet and gentle
animal like Ah Meng.

You would do whatever it took to throw off
whatever suspicions of that banana being a possible
gift from a monkey.

Smart ila.
You almost got away with that one.

However.

Upon learning of Ah Meng's passing last night
on Channel NewAsia.
That's where she get's the latest celebrity gossips
on Sylvester Stallone.

We were having a long ass conversation on how
much better the killing could have taken place
in Rambo 4.

Or at least what colored bandanna
would have made Rambo look younger.
My friend Ila took it pretty hard.

Before she went quiet for about an hour.
Till I noticed her personal message.

As you can see by her personal message on msn.

I feared the worst.
First Rambo 4 sucked.
And now the one animal she loved more
than chocolate fondants had passed on.

Being the good friend I am.
I decided to check if she was okay.
And this was how it went.

She was hurling several offensive vulgarities
at me .
But I forgave her for I knew how upset she
was by Ah Meng's passing.

But as you will see from the entry.
She was in pretty much denial that Ah Meng had
passed on.

Yet again she believed it was my evil doing.
Yet again I am deemed evil by her.

Sigh.

To all of you who know her and love,please
take the time to comfort her . She has lost
two people she adores to old age.

Sure she may tell you to choke if you should
try to go and comfort her on msn.
But do know she will appreciate it.

Instead of going all Fuehrer! on her.
Go Rambo! on her and she will appreciate it more.

You will probably be asked to go and choke ,or be asked
if you would prefer to be eaten alive with tobasco or tossed
into a scorpion pit or being told to get lost and return to jacking
off to pictures of your family dog.

But Remember.
Ila is a very sweet and beautiful person,and by telling her
that you share the same love for Rambo and Ah Meng.
You would have done her a great deal.

For I know she smiles at each mention of Rambo.
But if you feel like giving up , and cannot take no more
of her insults.

Remember the reason why she loves Rambo.
Remember what she told me ;

"Determination Jason.It's his Determination."

With Determination you can see Ila's soft side.

With Determination.

Till Then ,

Mucho Love ;

The Critic

P.s: Thanks for being a good friend bluhd.

Pye.

2008-02-08T14:05:00.000+08:00

Some jackasses just never learn.
Yet again , I am subjected to doing things
I am not really too fond of doing.

Who the fuck am I kidding.

Yet again another fuck just has
to be taught a lesson.

And here I wanted to write on
some rather interesting local sex
stories that I have come to hear of.

Unwilling donations some of them.
But that will have to wait , as I have to
now abuse an amphibian from my
local pond.

And I'll try to keep this short and sweet.

Now people.
I would like you to meet Pye Geberg.

Yeah. Pout for me you cheap slut.
Nice pendant by the way.
I like it's image of a toad giving it to
another toad.

lol.

Now Mr Pye Geberg has been having the time
of his life leaving me comments as such.

Alright.
So far to Mr PyE GeBErG I am a gay with nice hair.
Ok wait.Homo freak with nice hair.
Alright.
I'm gay now.

From now on people.
Forget the fact that I'm happily attached to
a pure female.
Forget the fact that I have never had sexual
thoughts of men.

For I am now Gay.
Yes.
I sure enjoy another penis up my ass.
Ain't nothing like the grunts of a man breathing
down my neck during sex.
And constant battles over "Who's The Daddy?"
in our daily sex romps.

Hell.
I should go start second blog entitittled;
www.thatbloodygay.blogspot.com and just
write about how much the sweat of another man
on me turns me on.

lol.

Pye Pye.
But that wasn't enough.
Pye came back.

I could care less about your comments about my acne scars or
blemishes.Or for the fact that you found me ugly.

Your insults are as good as San Sebastian's insults.
[Now San , because of that one sentence , I have
given you a few more views to jack off to.]

Jesus.
I would be awfully insulted if , I actually
gave a shit about how good looking I am.
You ain't fucking reproducing with me.
We're not going to have kids together.
Why would you care so much about how much
I look.

But hell if calling me ugly wasn't enough.
Mr Pye started to turn delusional , by making
such a statement ;

"Guys and Gurls A killing to get my features."

You see Pye.
If guys and girls would actually resort to killing
to simply get your features.
They need to start seeing a psychiatrist.

Imagine a world filled with people looking like you.
Hell, If I had a child and the moment I first lay eyes on
it and it looked anything similar to you I would throw it
instantly into the first hospital pond I see.

And being the nice person I was.
I asked our dear Mr Pye if he could swallow.
I was talking about his ego.
I have no idea what he had in mind.
But this is what he said.

Alright Pye.
Since you do swallow.
This would be the part where you start
getting ready to swallow your ego.

Now.
I didn't find it very respectful to feel the need
to insult my poor mother like that.
While that woman is having a nice holiday overseas
right now.
Some jackass decides to come and kill her off.

I miss my mother Pye.
I really wished you hadn't killed her off.
Now just who will comb my hair as I touch myself
to Elmo or The Cookie Monster?

No one Pye.

I mean you still have your mother.
You lucky bastard.

And I just had to share this wonderful,
sweet loving picture of you and your mother
with everyone who reads me.

Just look at how proud your mother is of you Pye.
I mean , she's so fucking proud of you, the woman forgot
to even put on a fucking bra for this photograph.

And don't you dare come denying that isn't even you.
The resemblance is too uncanny.

Now take whatever time you have left to treasure your
mother Pye.
I was not even given the chance to bid her goodbye.
But cherish every moment of you and your mother
touching yourselves to Kermit The Frog from now.

You never know when some jackass could
just kill her off.

And my friend Kermit has something to say
to you about that.
And here he is from Muppetland .
But I'll let him speak for himself.

But now on Mr Pye's claims on me being gay.
Study the following.

He has yet to reply to my comment.
Pye.
I am still waiting just so you know.

I'm supposedly gay.
When you look like this.

With fucking eyes big enough to spot a cumshot a mile
away.
I could fucking cum on your eyebrows , squat and watch
it go around the corner.
Hell , it'd take bends that would put Valentino Rossi to
shame.

And I'm still ain't over your dumb delusional comment,
that guys and girls would kill to have your features.
I mean sure.
With make up you can look good.
But without it?

Oh how many lives have already been saved thanks
to that one picture.

I always thought gay men were pretty good with insults
and had the sharpest , wittiest comebacks.
Boy have I been wronged.

But I cannot put you in the same league as them.

For you Pye.
You are something different.
While most gay men are classy.
You are just embarrassing.

I wouldn't want to be too hard on you know.
Considering that you already are touching
yourself to your very weak comebacks to me.

Hell you probably have no idea about
anything I have just said.

So just for you.

Kau Katak.
Mak Kau Pun Katak.

You can make a mat turn gay but he will always remain
a mat.

I should give you a fucking golden award for being
the dumbest gay person I have ever come across,
but I guess you've already beaten me to it.

lol.

Till Then ,

Mucho Love ;

The Critic.

SAN

2008-02-03T16:44:00.000+08:00

It's funny how a person can claim that the excuse
for not being able to write would be a lack of inspiration.

Especially when that person has had one msn
conversation with me asking me questions on what
inspires me to write.

Wait.
Make it one very ignorant person.

One very ignorant person with a very imaginary
fanbase.Never have I seen a blog with such a low
readership that behaves and actually believes
that he is the voice to a majority of people right here
in Singapore.

And the jackass actually tries to be subtle.
God.I swear I can't stand entries that try to be
subtle but fail miserably.

I ain't fond of being subtle.
So too bad San.

How many of you remember SanSebastian?
The Self-Proclaimed Voice Of The People?

Maybe some of you will remember him better
by that famous line of his ;

"Malays only good for making nasi briyani."

Yes.
That very ignorant fool.

You see even though quite a number of you
went about telling me on msn just how much
of a racist prick you thought he was , I kindly
told some of you that he may just have been
misunderstood.

But being the wonderful ingrate he is.
Instead of swallowing his pride and just accepting
the fact that he had made a couple of stupid mistakes
in those so called "controversial entries" of his.
He chose to get all personal with me and come
making a huge bitch fit on how I'm
supposedly not hot.

Sometimes San.
You have to swallow your pride, and not let your
ego get the better of you.
That way you won't have to touch yourself to
re-runs of Initial D to make yourself feel sexy.

So what if a couple of female readers tagged
me saying I was hot.
I still have skinny forearms.
I don't jack off to their tags.

Why the Jealousy San?

I swear you are so in love with yourself to the point,
where I'm believing that when you masturbate to every hit
you get on your hit counter and actually cum to it.

I have myself believing that you cum into a saucer,
and then slurp it all back up just because you
cannot bear to let any part of you go.

Sigh.
San.It is just not right.

Several times I have wrote on how I am not hot.

But can you really blame his ignorance.
With the attention span the equivalent to
a horny squirrel.
How can I blame him.

But since Mr San Sebastian over here, just wants
to be given a mention in this blog.
I'll give him just that.
After all San, like how my friend Dil puts it.

"This will be the highlight of your supposed blogging career."

After this entry ,from all the hits you will receive.
Feel free to wank to every single one of them.

After all San.
Remember I gave you that attention.
And you want to write on your blog about
me analyzing shit.

I'll do just that.
Here's to you San.

An extract from that blog of yours.

Now San.
If I'm a doped face albino.
What are you?

Dil now better known as Ila_Rambo87 now
got extremely pissed that you would actually
make a negative comment on Marilyn Manson
in that blog of yours.

If there's 3 people you never speak ill of to her.
It's Marilyn Manson.Corey Taylor and never,
ever and I mean ever speak ill of Slyvester Stallone.

And because you only spoke ill of Marily Manson.
Thank your lucky stars it wasn't Sly San.
She came up with this just for you.

lol.

But just who the fuck are you San?
Where did you come from?
What are you even about?

WHO EVEN GIVES A FUCK ABOUT YOU?

Maybe this character who bears such an
uncanny resemblance to you could
just possibly educate us on just who you are.

Could you be that lego toy I lost?
Hell I'd be doped face albino any day as opposed
to being a lego snorting blogger with an imaginary
fan base.

I wish I knew who you were San and just why you claim
to be the voice of the people.

See San I really do.

San claims I'm too shallow.
Sure.
I'm the shallow one.
I'm so fucking shallow, my anus
goes up only 2 centimeters from my
asshole.

You're so fucking deep , your anus
reaches all the way to your fingertips.
That explains the shit you write.

Hell, if I'm an albino because fair.
Do note that in that picture above San behind me.
Those are not green bushes.
Those are vegetables my shallow friend.

With the shit you write,the only time I actually
found anything enjoyable to read when was you mentioned
me.
The moment you stopped,it had me pondering of what
shades of shit my shit would be over the next few weeks.
Hell a couple of entries were so boring to the point,
it got me wondering just how my grandmother would look
with a huge pink afro.

A cocaine sniffing albino.
San.

That's just ignorant and shallow.
Firstly , you go around behaving as if
you have a readership of a couple hundred.
I means it's not healthy but whatever helps
you sleep at night without hugging a jay chou
bolster I'm cool with it.

Then you made a stupid remark that
malays are only good for making nasi briyani.

And about how a queue of indians is the equivalent
to a long black line.

Jesus San.
And now because I'm fair.
I'm a albino?

Not to be rude.
But where would you like me to place
my self-esteem along the lines of that
supposedly very intelligent insult.

Before you actually insult someone,
try to put more thought into your comebacks.
I know it's hard when trying to think of comebacks
to me when all you can think about are how you want to
have a mass orgy with the male fighters from the Tekken 3
video game.

So in case you feel the need to write another entry
dedicated to me, and try to be subtle.
Do know you failed previously and will continue to
fail miserably.
But if you must save that 20 pound ego of yours.
Maybe you would like a little help in dissing me
from yes, myself.

You took 20 days to actually have a comeback
to my entry.
I hope with the help I'm about to bless you with
it can be possibly shortened to half that time.

I swear I'm too kind to you San.
Firstly I defended you against claims of
you being a racist.
And now I'm actually helping you insult me.

Ok let's see how do you always start off on
that blog of yours.

I'm a San.
And I suck.

No , no that's not it.
Let me try to recall.
Where's my fucking cocaine.

*snorts a strip*

Hur Hur Hur.
Alright.
Try this lines in exchange.

[Insert my name here] is such a retarded featherweight
prick.
Every kilogram in his body is probably made up of
stupidity.
I pity the fuck.He claims I jack off to my hit counter.
At least I don't jack off to empty weight gainer bottles
in the belief that I can actually put on weight that way.

Fucker is so fucking skinny, the only workout
he ever gets in the gym is when he pushes open the
door to the fucking gym.

I wouldn't be surprised if I found 7 year old
schoolchildren using him as weights at the bench
press machine.

While the rest of the male population jack off
to sexy women.
That fucker must jack off to the underfed house lizards
around his bloody room.

Anorexia is his bloody thing after all.
How can anyone find that motherfucker hot.
Him being hot would be the equivalent of Moses Lim
being good in bed.

Damn women should find me hot.
Do they not see just how muscular my biceps are.
Hell, while Jason breaks a kg of sweat trying to
tear open a packet of condoms.

I fucking crack walnuts in between these butt cheeks of
mine.Hell, I could crack the skulls of siamese kittens
in between these fucking butt cheeks.

Peanuts I tell you.

Done.

San.
Take a lesson or two from that and improve yourself from there.

I'll probably have to hear about you again in maybe
ten days time.But if I don't do remember that I would
have probably forgotten about you in that specific amount
of time.

Jackass.

And just where is the evidence you ask me San,
from all that mention about you masturbating to
every hit you get and reach a godly orgasmic state.

Easy.
This was you before I mentioned you.
Everyone pay attention to his arms.

Alright that was the "Before" photo.
The "Before I mentioned you in this blog photograph."
Now Grade A evidence that you have been wanking
to every hit you have gotten on that counter of yours.

After I mentioned you.

Shame on you San.
Now I know which hand you use to jack off to.
And you want to talk to me about evidence.

San you need to know this.

The steroids you take in between your meals does nothing
to make up for what you lack in between your ears.

Brains San.
I'm talking about Brains.

And I've always wondered about the people who's voice
you claim to be.
Since you're allowed to imagine.
I should be allowed to do the same.
If there were indeed people who would
actually want to listen to you.
Such a picture would come to mind.

I'm so disgusted by your ignorance and stupidity.
That hell , I came across 3 pigs that shared the same
views with me.
My grandmother is going to be celebrating Chinese
New Year this year and just how nice it would be
to have you slaughtered and barbecued instead
of this poor ugly pigs.

In a bar in Chinatown.

But of course San.
This had to happen to those poor piggies.

See San.
Even the Voice of the People can be made to shut up
sometimes.

If all you wanted was some attention
from the opposite sex..
You don't have to get all jealous on me.
Let me give you a couple of tips.

-Don't suck so much at writing.
-If you want to be noticed start something
original.
Don't come up with a bloody boring url name
like youaredusty.

Try this.
Make use of that lack of intelligence.
Start a blog about how much you suck instead.

Call it www.suckysan.blogspot.com
Hell.
Give it a tagline like ;

"I'll suck the suck out you."

That way people can feel a closer relation with
you.And maybe that way you can be the voice
for maybe 5 , 6 more people.

Jackass.

But it wouldn't be too nice to end an entry on such a bad vibe.
So just for this festive season.
I have included two of my beloved Chinese pals.
Fuckers look like gunned down Hong Kong triad members.
CSI : Hong Kong could sure use their bodies as corpses.

lol.

Happy Chinese New Year.

I'll see you crazy fucks on Thursday.

Till then ,

Mucho Love ;

The Critic

Cumpassion.

2008-01-27T18:04:00.000+08:00

I've been pretty busy , planning on stuff
to take this blog to another level.
And at the same time working on plans
to start on a website with another blogger
that I have a lot of respect for.

But I promise I'll soon update on a more
regular basis.So thank you.

Now.
Down to business.

I am going to start questioning myself
very soon why I even bother to update
and let myself be exposed to very disturbing
images.

I'm starting to believe I need medication,
because I swear to God I'm walking along the
thin lines of sanity.

I motherfucking thought I've seen all
there was to see in some
of our Sex Blogs based in Singapore.

But this couple just takes the fucking
icing off the cake.

It's a blog started by what I believe to be
a Chinese couple.
Very experimental Chinese couple.
Interesting read at times but at the same
time had me questioning whatever happened
to good old normal sex without the fucking
metallic toys.

With some of the toys they have
shoving up themselves,
It'd be a matter of time before they start shoving
Terminator action figures up themselves.

I'm pretty sure the blog belongs to adults
above 21 so I won't be too subtle about
everything I'm going to show ..

We're all horny adults.

So let's just say it as we see it alright.

I know some of you below the age of 18 read me,
but please kindly do not go screaming to your parents
on how you saw people having sex on this blog.

Trust me.
Your parents still have sex too.
So just learn about the birds and the bees from
me and maybe you can have a more experimental
sex life than your parents ever did.

I have let my fucking eyes bear witness
to such a horrendous act like this.

SOMEBODY SPANK ME.
SPANK ME AS I HUMP THESE BEDSHEETS PLEASE.

*spanky spanky*

OUH.I JUST CAME.

lol.

Boy was that disturbing.

Not the whole tying up and gagging shit.
But those tan lines on those buttocks.
I mean BDSM is sexy to some of us.

I'm down for the whole dominating shit.
It takes a certain level of being secure with
one self to allow a woman to dominate you.
So on that level I can give this man respect.

But tan lines.
Fucking tan lines.

Tan...lines...evilllll....

But before I proceed with this very disturbing
entry.
I have a belated birthday wish for a fellow reader
turned friend of mine.
Who just recently felt the need to ask me
such a question on my tagboard.

Dear Ewan.
I do not know what gave you the compulsion
to ask me such a question .
And I have no idea how you taste , for I have
not once in this forsaken life of mine placed my
taste buds upon you.

I may not know if you taste like a penis.
But I for sure know you have lips that
penises would love to have be a permanent
home for them.

Courtesy of your girlfriend Ewan.

Nice Lips Ewan.
I feel like slapping the penis I never had
on those little suckers.

lol.

Happy Belated Birthday Bitch.

Now back to our special featured guests.
Now I know a lot of people do a lot of freaky
ass things behind closed doors.

But hell.
Why do some people feel the need to tell
the world and show the world the following.

Firstly the pictures.
I never understood metallic dildos.
It's just plain weird.
If I was to shove something into me,
not that I ever will or ever had the intention to.
I'm pretty sure I rather it look and feel like a real
penis instead of something that rather resembles
Robocop's Penis.

But what do I know.
Rather disturbing images.
A bit too explicit for some of us so I have
tamed it down a bit with them stupid black squares.
But I'm sure most of you will have a pretty good idea
of what's going on.

I went into the idea of showing as much as I could.
But some are just a little too graphic.

Nice.
Now if you have not been disgusted enough.
Let's have a look a couple of their entries and believe
me when I say I would rather have to look at their pictures
than read their entries and let images of them performing
such acts play in my head.

A rather interesting entry.

Nice.
Motherfucking nice.
You could have shoved bananas or brinjals.
Hell.
No one would have given a solitary fuck if it was
a dildo being shoved up some dude's asshole.
But a marker pen?

These poor innocent marker pens are going up
some dude's asshole?

Simply wonderful.
Marker pens.What next?
Toothbrushes?
I can simply imagine them writing an entry,
on how his partner let a toothbrush make it's way
up his anal region and how the bristlest gently probing
his g-spot made him cum like a horny water buffalo.

Oh God.
That already sounds wrong.

But fret not.We have another interesting entry
of theirs to read.

First a Dildo that resembled Robocop's penis.
Now his friggin balls are getting shoved up
someone's ass too.

Those friggin eggs are somewhat too similiar
to them kinder bueno eggs.
Remove their foil wrapper and rewrap it with
the aluminium side and you potentially have
one half of Robocop's testicle.

Sure would be one hell of a suprise.
But I must say that www.cumpassion.blogspot.com
has been one of the most freakiest sex blogs I have
ever read.

Thank you jackasses.

Till Then ;

Mucho Love ,

The Critic

Racism kills the minority races.

2008-01-11T22:04:00.001+08:00

Let's touch a little on the subject of Racism,
shall we.
And I promise I'll be as objective as I possibly
can be.
Even though I am very ticked at what I have
seen.

Now I'm going to review two blogs,
which a couple of you brought to my attention.

And I don't need to leave links to their
blogs as I believe most of you know who
they are and considering the fact that they
reach godlike orgasmic states every time they
see that stat counter rise by a couple of hundred
they dedicate an entry to it.

Now.

One's a female blogger.
Proudly admits to being a Racist.
Believes everyone is a either a Racist
or a Closet Racist.

The other is the self-proclaimed
"Voice of the People".
People claims he's a Racist.
He says otherwise.

I say ;

WHO THE FUCK MADE HIM VOICE OF
THE PEOPLE IN THE FIRST PLACE?!

I did not see any elections take
place to have a voice for the people.
I would like to know who these so
called people are.

Shit San.
You should just have said.

The Voice of the 5 people who
read me.

That being every Yong Tau Foo
seller in your neighbourhood.

Hell , I did not even see online
poll booths to nominate a voice
for the people.

"Voice of the People."

Nice.

I did not vote for him to be
the voice of the people.

You.
Did you vote for anyone to
be the voice for the people?

Hell.

Who the fuck voted him to be
voice of the fucking people.

Anyways he claims not to be
Racist.
To a certain extent I believe in
the possibility that he isn't racist.

Just stupid.

How in God's Green Earth could
you mistake Nasi Briyani for an
Malay Cuisine.

It's fucking stupid.
And The Voice thought that I was
much smarter than that.

I've got one cuisine on mind,
that I'd like The Voice to try.
Try having deep fried baby vomit,
and then maybe you'll learn not
to mix up local cuisines.

You see Mr Voice of the people
himself had gotten himself a little
mixed up with his facts about the
racial cuisine we have here in Singapore.

Thus proving himself to be very ignorant.

Both parties,got extremely excited
with the numbers that appeared
on their hit counters after some people
blessed them with their presence.

Yes,with every hit they get.
The urge to jack off to their hit
counter gets more unbearable.

Musst...jack...off...to...my....
200...new...hits...

Tsk.

But before I go analyzing these two.
I like the word analyzing.Seems so
befitting for this two considering the
fact whatever they seem to write
seems to come out from their anal
regions anyway.

Now lets do a little study on the
race population in Singapore.

Now I unfortunately belong to the Grey Area.
The Others.

DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW FREAKING
DEGRADING THAT SOUNDS!

lol.

I feel like such an outcast.
And belonging to a population of
only 1.8 %.
Us "Others" cannot really afford to
be racist.

The average population of Singapore
stands at 4.5 million.
That would be mean there would
be approximately I can't be bothered
but trust me that's very little.

Jesus.
We're almost non existent.
We're like 0.2 % away from being a 2.0.

And when I told my punjabi friend Dil.
Better known as ila_baron this piece of news.
This is what she said to me.

jasonpereira says:
Spore population

jasonpereira says:
4.5 mil.

jasonpereira says:
others 1.8 percent.

Fellatio Von Curles says:
thats like barely a stream of pee sia

Fellatio Von Curles says:
man you guys need to watch out

Fellatio Von Curles says:
cuz when food runs out, we're eating you guys first

jasonpereira says:
hahahahahhahahahhahaha.

jasonpereira says:
thanks eh.

jasonpereira says:
lol.

Fellatio Von Curles says:
its my duty as a friend to remind you of the inevitable

As if being deemed Others wasn't enough.
Now I have to live with knowing that I'm
barely a stream of pee.

Nice.
lol.

Now by such numbers us, Others
do know that in the event that a racial
war ever breaks out.
We would probably be the first to be
wiped out.

If it is anything, we should be racists.
Considering the fact that we are deemed
as outcasts.
We should be the angry ones ,trying to
reduce the number of other races.

Either that or we all start humping like
crazy.

So all others.
Listen here listen good.
We are just 1.8 %.
Spread the message that we need
to hump.
We need to Reproduce.
Attain a percentage of at least 10%.

And we will be safe.
So gather all Others and we'll meet
as the Singapore Expo.

And we will.
Wait.

There ain't too many of us anyways.

Okay we'll me at the Tampines Library.
Wait that's still too big.

Okay.
We'll meet at the 7-11 near my place ,
and we'll have a massive reproduction party.

No Girlfriend?
DO YOUR COUSIN!

No Boyfriend?!
DO YOUR BROTHER!

HELL DO YOUR GRANDPARENTS
IF YOU HAVE TO!

WE MUST REPRODUCE.
WE MUST!

lol.

I'm just playing.
No one is that stupid to be racist,
simply due to being deemed as an Other.
And don't any of you start all those incest crap.
Especially with your dear grandparents.

Growing up, I was fortunate enough to
befriend people from all 3 major races.

Hell.
Growing up , I didn't even know what I
was most of the time.

I took Chinese from kindergarten up to
Primary 2 which I then had to switch to
malay.

So I grew up playing one leg catching,
and singing bloody songs like ;

Wao yo langke lampachi,
Wao na ike , ni na ike,
Wao men tah goli,

or something like that meaning.

I have two marbles (Testicles)
I take one , you take one.
We'll play marble hitting.

I can't remember the rest of
that poem but it ended with something
about Ntuc.

Whatever.

In primary school where I took Chinese.
My Chinese teacher complained to
my parents that even though I could speak
it well.I sure as hell could not write a single
Hanyu Pinyin that made sense.

She had never seen so many unknown strokes,
in a essay before.Nothing I said ever made sense
on those pieces of essay paper she gave me.

And there I was putting my heart and soul ,
into those essays,only to be told later I was
basically writing unreadable,meaningless crap.

Oh how it broke my heart.

Then in Primary 3 I took Bahasa Melayu,
and I did pretty well.As it was easier to
write compared to complicated strokes.

And often I would hang out with my malay friends,
and go spider catching in the fields.
I never understood why I caught those spiders,
but that's another story.

Growing up I often noticed that most of my
Malay friends lived on the lower floors of
their HDB flats.

So upon curiosity, I asked the parents
of a couple of my Malay friends at that
point of time.

They liked me , because they found
the idea of a Eurasian kid speaking malay
extremely adorable and often stuffed me with
all the kuih tarts I could eat.

So I asked them with utter innocence in
my eyes why most Malays lived on the
lower floors.

And they told me it was due to the fear
of their children jumping out the windows.
So I grew up and every Malay friend I made
along the way up to the time I turned 18,
gave me the same answer to that same question.

I could never figure it out.
But I think they just enjoyed making a fool
out of an Eurasian kid.

For crying out loud man,
I grew up wondering why Eurasians had
to live up in the topmost floors.
I mean did anyone not care if I had thought
of suicide.

Is it just me or is there a devious plan to get rid of
all us others.
To get us depressed and then encourage suicide
by placing us at high levels, when we're already
so close to being extinct.
It's already depressing enough having to live
with knowing we're close to extinction.

Trying to push us to the edge aren't you?!

It could be possible but hell I think its just me.
I'm suspicious of anyone and anything all the
time anyway.

lol.

But I've been lucky.
I grew up having Indian godbrothers.
Having a Chinese grandmother.
Thus making me partially Chinese.
Thus giving me the right to tell any other
Chinese dude to choke on Fishball Noodles.

Having a Filipina mother, whom by the way
was never a domestic maid,whom worked
for my grandmother in which then my father fell
in love with and married.

lol.

And having 2 Malay Aunties.
And 3 1/2 malay cousins.
And I love them and I pray they never
grow to be mats or minahs.

Man we are one confused bunch.
My generation has proven pretty much
we'll hump anything.

Can you blame us.
We need to.

And now.
I'll give my take on the 1st "racist blogger".
Mr San Sebastian.
The Voice To The People.
I am still investigating on just who made him
the voice to the fucking people.

But you see Mr San here.
Claims not to be racist.And that he
did also insult his own race, and not just
the other races.

But fret not people, I have reason to believe
that Mr San Sebastian is indeed not racist.
He just failed to touch on the racial topic intelligently.
He wanted to do a little racial humor.But unfortunately
was deemed racist by a few of the...

Yes.

By a few of THE PEOPLE themselves.

And now I will show you why.

You see Mr San Sebastian had made a comment on
the Malay Community.

As quoted from his blog ;

It sure does to me.
Why the hell do they do that for?
It irritates me right to the bone when I see people doing that.
Oh, and most of the time, I see mats doing it, which sometimes leads
me to come to the tragic conclusion that the

And his infamous line people.

"Malays are only good for one thing, 'Nasi Briyani'."

Yeowchie.

Firstly.

YOU DON'T SAY SHIT ABOUT THE BRIYANI!
YOU ONLY PRAISE BRIYANI!

Secondly;
The term "being only good for one thing".

That is a degrading stereotype and already can prove
to be a racist remark.

I can understand why most of you took that
as a racist comment.

And I asked my good friend in Camp,
Zaini just what he thought of some Chinese
blogger making a comment like Malays only
being good for making Nasi Briyani.

And this was what he said to me;

Me:Eh Zai, Tanya pendapat sikit boleh?

[Eh Zai, Can I get an opinion]

Me:Ada satu musibat ini,blog tentang
Malays only being good for making Briyani.

[There's this fucker,blogging about how malays
are only good for making Briyani.]

Zai: Kimak! Padahal kita buat nasi lemak sial.

[Mother Vagina! In actually fact we make nasi lemak.]

Nice.
Zaini you fucker.
And because you got offended more on
the fact that some dude got your racial dish
wrong.

Now you pay.

lol.

You know I love your big chubby ass.
Is it just me, or does Zaini have some
really sexy lips.

So friggin tempting to just give it
a little dick whack.

lol.

I'm just playing bitch.
Thanks for being a great lower study.
Did I not say your turn would come?

lol.

Now San made another rude ass comment.
One on how he basically went to a club,
and saw a long queue of indians.
In which he went to mentioned them as
" the line looking pratically black" in his blog.

Yes.
In his blog he does criticize and make fun
of the Chinese race.
But he had not made any jokes that degraded
the Chinese race in anyway.

I mean.
Come on now.
You degrade other races but you won't degrade
your own race.
I sense a little hesitance now don't I.

My grandmother's Chinese.
And with a bloody name like Low Geok Choo.
How much more Chinese can that get.
I'm partially Chinese.I've got the blood in me.
So if I were to pull racial jokes I wouldn't be racist yes.
So I can go ahead and tell every Chinese person I meet
to go pull a trishaw . Or boil me some yong tau foo yes?

But if I did not have any Chinese blood in me.
If I had even used the term "yellow" any chinese
reader would have taken offence and deemed me a
racist.

If you want to pull off racial jokes.
Do it tastefully and carefully.

Making a statement like
"Malays being good for only Nasi Briyani"

would be the racist equivalent to

"Chinese only good for playing mahjong."

So San.
A word of advice from another yong tau foo
eater to another.

Just because you don't eat much indian cuisine,
or hang around with much malays.
It doesn't mean that particular race is just
good for one thing.
Don't be so quick to judge.

Sure you may say shit about the Indians.
But I happen to have quite a bit of respect
for the Indians.
As I have had very pleasant experiences with
them growing up.
And they happen to be the most loyal friends I
had.

Watch what you say when it comes to races,
or some Malay dude may just shove mahjong
tiles up you ass.
And that really wouldn't be too comfortable.

And thank my lovely Low Geok Choo.
I'm partially chinese.
Now after this my partially yellow ass
is off to hug that lovely old yellow woman".

So as I have shown, San is not really a racist.
He just made the mistake of not being able to
pull off a couple of racial jokes tastefully.

So cool down and ease up on him already.

But the next person.
A certain Miss Cornelia.
She admits to being a straight up racist.
Hell she believes any one else that is not admitting
to being a racist is a hypocritical closet racist.

My fucking middle name is Cornelius.
Cornelia would be the female version for my
freaking name.

Worse part.
She is one of me.
The Others.

By promoting racism on her bloody blog.
She is increasing the chances of hatred to our
little population of 1.8 %.

Nice.

WE CAN'T DEFEND OURSELVES
YOU HEAR ME CORNELIA!.
DON'T OFFEND THE OTHER RACES!
WE'LL DIE! WE'LL DIE.

lol.

Now Cornelia also makes discriminating ,
prejudiced comments against the Malay race.
Deeming them as peasants.
That ain't nice Cornelia.

Comments like this ain't nice.

4) Malays. enough said.
The last thing I want is some filthy peasant animal's hand
groping my bums. I have alot of bitching to do on this incident.
But that will come later.

Cornelia is racist to the bone no doubt.

There are loads of very hurtful remarks made
about the malays community
in her blog and she proudly admits to it.
And isn't ashamed of them one bit.

I can relate to Cornelia to a certain extent
on why she should have such hatred to the Malay race.
But she is expressing herself wrongly.

She is angry because when she clubs.
Mats.Grope her.Grind up to her.
Well mats are pretty much attracted
to anything that looks easy and trashy.

So well.
No points for guessing there.

But Jesus.
To put down an entire race just because
a couple of mats wanted to have a feel of
your body.

Come on now.
They're just mats.
You put a fucking mini skirt on a
barstool.They'd try to rub themselves
against it too.

Making comments about a club room
being like Geylang Serai and shit is
straight up wrong.

Just say it's filled with mats and minahs.
And the worst part.
Deeming them as peasants.

I hate to burst her bubble.
But what she really fails to notice.
Is that all those freaking designer goods
she purchases are yes.

Paid for with a Malay's dude face on
that piece of paper.

Yes.
I doubt Yusof Ishak was a peasant.
So next time you pay for something,do
note that there's the face of a Malay president,
on that piece of paper.

I don't give a fuck if you want to be prejudiced
towards a particular race but for fuck's sake
at least be little respectful.

I won't leave her link in here.
If you know what her address is,
then visit it yourself.
By promoting her here I'm just
directing traffic to her hit counter.

I believe, it's just a matter of time
before she gets shut down for her crap.

Besides she serves Nuffnang.
And it's disappointing knowing
Nuffnang is proudly paying to advertise
their shit on a blog which allow such tags
discriminating other races.

I never liked NuffNang.
Sure they pay you a couple of
hundred depending on your readership.
I could use the cash, but hell.
I ain't putting some shit like.

"I serve Nuffnang." on my
fucking blog.
I serve.
What could be more degrading?

Tsk.

Affliction on the other hand.
I would gladly advertise for.
I'd sell my fucking soul to the Devil
to be reborn as an Affliction tee.
As long as it doesn't get given to
Criss Angel.

Fucking bastard cuts up those
tees.
Affliction!
Sponsor me instead.
I'll reproduce with those fucking
t-shirts I swear.

It's Eurasians like Cornelia that give us
Eurasians a bad name.
Being arrogant self centered fucks who
think we're above every one else.

Everyone needs to learn to stop
stereotyping simply because of a few
rotten apples.

To generalize a certain race,
just because you met a few fucks,
from a certain particular race that
doesn't leave you a tasteful impression,
does not give you the right to condemn
the entire race.

You go to a fucking club,
you meet mats and minahs.
No doubt they are of the Malay descent.
But to use that race in the same sentences,
and to actually be proud of it.

And proclaim to the world how
you're a proud racist?

Tsk.

So fucking what.
If you say, you have one friend from
that race who agrees with you that
their race is pretty fucked up.

Tsk.

Considering the fact that she may allow
someone to condemn her race simply shows
she's in denial of belonging to that race.

That's very respectful to one's self.

Gee. I'm a malay girl , but hell I'm
going to let this Eurasian girl say shit
about my race.

That way maybe I automatically
become a non-malay.
Tsk.

Don't be so pathetic please.

Every race at one point or another,
meets certain people from a different race
that may piss them off.
But you cannot pass judgment on a entire
race population simply because a few fucks
left you a bad impression.

There is good in every race , as much
as there is bad in every race.
So learn to fucking chill already.
And live harmoniously and reproduce
with more Eurasians.

lol.

Till then ;

Mucho Love,

The Critic.

Minahs: A Indepth Anaysis.

2008-01-07T21:50:00.000+08:00

Minahs.

Today we will speak about minahs.
And a little about mats.

Today we will have an in-depth look on
our society's most colorful and recognized bunch
of females.

The Minahs.

God .
I almost made them sound honorable.

Now there aren't too many pictures in this
entry.
Just words mostly.

So feel free to skip this entry if you ain't
really into reading a long ass written piece.

Now let's talk about minahs.
What exactly comes to mind when you hear
the term Minah?

Does the following come to mind?

Just what comes to mind?
I asked a couple of malay friends in camp.
The same thing.
"What's the first thing to come to mind
when you hear the term minah?"

And one of them with utmost excitement
told me ;

"Seluar Ketat , Pantat Jek!"

Which means Tight pants with a very
arched bum.

Nice.

But I must say on my part,
I have dated a couple of minahs
myself.

God.
The first time I ever had
phone sex was with a minah.
That shit put me off the idea of
phone sex being sexy for years.

But oh well.
I didn't really initiate it.
So I guess I can still salvage some
of my pride on that count.

lol.

Phone sex with a minah.
Is some really scary shit.
Especially when done in their
vocabulary.

Shit like ;

U....I nak "nonek".
I nak u gentel "memek" I.

Terms like Nonek are a sort of
replacement for the original term
Konek which means Penis.
The K is replaced with an N in
an attempt to make it appear cuter.

Or memek.
Originally pronounced or spelled
as Pepek meaning "vagina".
Again replaced with a M instead
of a P to appear cuter.

I have let myself been exposed to that
shit once.
And that I have to live with for the rest
of my life.

But Sexual terms as Memek and such
I will touch on again on a separate entry.
Probably in a podcast.
As it would be easier to understand and hear
for yourself how such terms are pronounced
by the Mats and Minahs.

A well known fact about Minahs is
that they enjoy playing the "victim".
They whine and complain about
how victimized they are by men
and society.

On friendster,you will see
all sorts of messages in their shoutboxes
shit like ;

"aLL GuYZ R BaStArdz! No GuYz Plz.
Name_MAnJe Is SicK Of GuyZ.
BAsTARDzzz!"

Now their reason for such proclamations?
It will either be , some dude used them
simply for sex , or they got cheated on
or simply because some guy they liked
chose them over some other minah.

For example minahs like Mama Irna.
Mrs Hate Me Or like Me I Don't Care.
But the moment she gets a little negative
attention she cries foul.
She says she's the victim of humiliation.

A lot of minahs say they're victims,
of men and shit like that.
But let's face the facts.
And I will try to be objective as possible,
as for I have dated a couple of minahs
myself and hung around mats when I was
growing up.

Oh how I should have just hung myself,
when I was a teenager.

Now let's say you are a minah.

1.You go all around Friendster,
flashing your cleavage.Showing off
loads of skin.
You take pictures claiming to be in
M.O.S or Zouk when what I actually
see is just your boobs taking up 70% of the
photograph.

2.You have a tongue stud.
And you know the sexual relation to having
a tongue stud.
For you as a minah know guys think it's fucking
sexy when a girl has tongue stud,for that can
mean more pleasure during oral sex.
And in every god forsaken picture you show
that tongue stud off.For you know it's a turn on.

3.You take provocative pictures showing
off fancy coloured lingerie showing through
your clothes for the sole purpose of sexual teasing.

Now you see when you do shit like that.
And you are a minah.
The first thing you would attract to you
other than cosmetic saleswomen would be
mats.

And then these mats , they don't see all
your cleavage flaunting pictures , tongue stud
showing photographs as a beautiful girl that
they would honestly like to get to know
and share a future with.

Trust me when I say.
All they see is a quick fuck.
Some one easy.

And I've had my fair share of
being around mats enough
to know simply how they behave and
how their mindset works.

What is innoncently
"Flaunt it if you got it" to you.
Is simply : "I must fuck you" to them.

And because you took 90 out a 100
photographs showing off your so called
sexy cleavage and having captions asking
if you have a fucking nice rack.

They'll want you no doubt.
They'll give you the attention no
doubt.
Shit,they'll tell you you're sexy.
You're hot , you're different from
any other girl they've seen.

Because they want to get in your pants.

And if you want to let yourself be so easy.
You will be treated simply as just another
fuck and another minah to add to the list.

When you see mats hanging sitting at coffeeshops,
hell when they're even talking most of the time.
Do you honestly think they're thinking of
solutions to end hunger in 3rd world countries
or finding cures for diseases?

I've boarded buses multiple times,
where mats have sat behind me and then
have conversations among themselves about
certain girls and just how easy they are.

I've met mats,and believe me when I say I
met shitloads of them.Most of the guys I knew
back in Secondary School were mats.Ite - Mats.
And in the army is where you meet every kind
of mat imaginable.

I've had mats strike up conversations with me
in hopes that I have female eurasian friends to
introduce them to.

There's been loads times where I've met mats
offering to exchange the contact numbers of girls
they've screwed.
And some even give you an instructional guide
to getting into the pants of these girls.

They tell you to say certain things,
they tell you what to say when the girl
should ask how you got a hold of their number.
They tell you what they like to hear,and then
they direct you on winning them over.
Or in their terms.

"Kasi die sangkut."

Which basically fucking means ,
getting her hooked.To them you are
just but another fish.A fish to gut,feast upon
and throw when you're done.

But that ain't all.
They'll even fucking tell you, how to
work your way into the pants of the girls
they talk about.
They'll talk about your oral sex skills.
How good you are in bed.
On whether you are a loud moaner in bed.

And some even talk about how tight or
loose your fucking vagina is when they did
it with you.

Scary facts isn't it.

While you gave yourself to a fucking dude,
who you thought genuinely found you hot.
And by actually giving yourself to him,he would
treasure you and respect you and love you.

He is now fucking talking and offering to give
you to some random stranger in exchange
for another random girl for him to add to the list.

And why.
Because you made it easy.
In a way you wanted it.
You made yourself so sexually desirable.
You gave that mat, that dude the chance to
get into your pants 3 days into knowing him
just because he said you were hot and sexy.

He did not fucking love you.
From the start he just wants to simply
do you and then brag to his friends at
the coffeshop that he has had a go at you.

But the thing about minahs to me is.
At the end of the day , people can hate them.
And I at one point of time refused to believe in
the stereotype that all minahs were evil.
I actually believed some had a bit of good in them.
That they were just confused and had no identity.

Someone please kick me in the nuts for even being
allowed to assume such an assumption.

But a minah at the end of it all is still a girl.
A minah is still a woman with feelings, let's
be honest.

Every woman wants to be or at least feel
beautiful.

I mean I'm don't own a vagina to know
too much about how a woman feels as a woman,
but neither do I own a penis , so I guess to
a certain extent I'm allowed to think as such.

And I used to believe that only mats
had the capability of spitting on a girl's
self esteem.I always believed that only thing
a mat is good for is killing a girls self esteem.

But I have learnt that not only mats
do it but other men from other races have
done it to to people I've cared about.

Mat's are just more popular for that.

Thus my theory ;

A minah is still a girl , with feelings.
And every girl would want to feel beautiful.
And I always believed that anyone can be made
to feel beautiful.

And when a girl meets a guy she likes,
the girl can find love with that particular guy.
And if that guy can make her feel and tell her
she's beautiful .She will believe it.
After all if it is someone you love of course
you would believe that person.

But at the same time , if you loved that person.
And he told you that you were not beautiful.
He made you not feel beautiful at all.
You wouldn't.You couldn't.
A stranger could come up to you
and tell you , you're ugly.
Tell you you're hideous.

But you wouldn't be that affected.

But if it was a man you loved,
a man you saw a future with,
a man you wanted to possibly share
a life with.

If he was to make you not feel
beautiful.If the man you loved
was to tell you , you were not
beautiful to him.

Believe me as a man.
When I say he does not love
you.He may say he loves you.
But trust me.
If he did he would do all he could
to make you feel beautiful.

And that's the thing with minahs.

They get put through a vicious neverending
cycle.
When you date a mat get ready for potential
hell.

Let's look at it this way.

I hanged around some mats when I was
in my teens.Not that I wanted to.
But it was either them to befriend in school
or Magic Card / Basketball playing Chinese
dudes.

And they would often tell me.

"Pompan kau takleh kasi muka,
kau kasih kepala die pijak."

Which meant.

"You cannot give girls too much
face,too much face and they'll step on
your head."

Which was basically telling me to not
be willing to give my all for a girl.
As I would just spoil them.

And minahs in particular date mats.
And mats live by the rule that women
should always know where they stand
which is always behind the man.

Mats believe that shit.
I believe you put the woman
you love beside you.
Screw all that behind every great
man is a wonderful woman bullshit.

Why the fuck need a woman be the backbone
when she can walk with her man by his
side.

Tsk.

And minahs or any girls who unluckily
chances upon dating mats are
succumbed to very scary methods
of self esteem abuse.

The gameplay for a mat to woo a girl
is very simple.
I've seen enough fuckers do it to know
very well how it works.

I've had female friends who had to
go through the shit.

It works like this.

In the initial stages of getting
to know you , he will tell you
you are hot to him , pretty beautiful
whatever.

And he will be very affectionate
towards you.Thus the malay
term "manje".He will shower
loads of affection upon you and
do everything he can to make you
happy.
He'll make you laugh and just be happy
you ever met him even if he has a fucking
nose piercing.

It can probably go on for about 2 weeks to a
month tops.If you put a mat to the test to
see whether he's trying to play a game with
you.Try to see how long they can last.
Just like in bed , they can't last pretty long.

The moment you fall for him and he knows
it.Trust me.He doesn't go telling his mum
he thinks you're the one for him.
He will stroll down to the coffeeshop
to meet his other friends.
And he will proudly tell his friends
how he's got you hooked onto him.

Thus using the term "sangkut".

For eg.

Die dah sangkut sama aku babe.

[I've got her hooked on me dude]

So then you fall for him,
and then he will sooner or later let
his true actions be seen.

Try to get in between your fucking legs.

But if you had been already fucking
teasing him sexually prior to you guys
getting together.He probably won't even
have to ask you to go into a relationship
with him.

If you refuse, no wait.
I as a fucking straight man who indulges
in a occasional dosage of porn even though
some fucking interacial gay dude thinks I'm hot
will tell you this straight up right now.

If a guy really loves you, I don't care
if he's a fucking ah beng or a insurance angent
or a bloody dietician .

If a guy.Doesn't necessarily have to be a mat.
Could be any guy.Any race.
Asks you to give yourself to him as a sign
of you loving him.

Trust me.
He doesn't love you as much as you think
he does.If he genuinely loves you,he would never
demand that you spread your legs for him
as a sign of love.He could care less about getting
you into bed if he really loved you.
He would wait till you were ready,and you
wanted it.

And now the cycles minahs allow themselves
to be put through.

Everytime a mat fucks their self esteem up,
they feel the need to make up for it.
They as women want to feel beautiful.
So they end up dating another mat,because
that mat too claims he loves her , yada yada yada.
And each time the minah keeps feeling ugly.
She does the one thing she knows that will
keep the guy around her.

Giving herself to him.

And if you keep giving yourself to a dude.
Because you want him to stay.
In the hopes that he will stay.He may
stay, but for how much longer.
Probably till he finds a hotter girl to bang.

If you have a vagina,
minah or not.
Heed this shit from me.
For I know I speak of not having a penis
and shit.But at the end of it all I am
a guy.
And I would know this shit.

You date a mat .
Or some guy. Doesn't necessarily
have to be a mat.
Could be an Indian dude.
A White dude.Chinese.Eurasian.
Whatever.

Most guys, I know would tell a girl
the things she would want to hear to
try to get into her pants.

But no matter how much you believe
you are not beautiful.
No matter how much a guy or some
guys have led you to believe that you
are not beautiful to him or them.

Out there, could be someone waiting,
waiting to show you just how beautiful
you are to him.Willing to treasure you
and make you happy.

If a guy says he loves you,he would never
do anything to make you not feel beautiful
to him.
He would not say anything to not make
you feel beautiful.

Most guys play a mind game with you.
And that's fucked up.But respect yourself,
your body.And it will be treated with respect.

If you feel ugly,just because a man you
loved made you feel that way.
Understandably it will hurt.
But if you minah or not resort to things,
like sleeping with every men who tell
you , you're hot and makes you feel wanted
and beautiful.

At the end of the day.
It's the guy who gains from it.
It's the guy who you gave yourself
so easily to that will brag to his friends,
on how he got you.How you were like in bed.

And if I was to sit you down.
Lay out every guy you had slept with,
just because you wanted to feel wanted
and beautiful , and not because you
loved or liked him genuinely .

If I could lay it out for you,
and every other guy that came to
know of you just because of one stupid act.
Would you as a girl want a reputation where
you're being called easy and shit.

Where fucking guys brag about you to
their friends.About what a short period
of time it took to fuck you.

You want that shit?
You want guys talking about your body,
describing your sexual skills.
Worse , you want them exchanging your
number for another girl?
Giving an instructional guide on how to
go about getting into your pants?

If you're going to give yourself to a guy.
Be sure he wants you because
he loves you or genuinely likes you.
Because if you gave yourself to him
and at the end of it he turned to be a jerk.

You can honestly still respect yourself,
because it was that fucker's fault.
You gave yourself to him because you liked
him.You loved him.You thought he felt the same
for you.

Never doing it purely for the fact to feel
wanted.Just because some jackass you
loved made you feel unwanted or ugly.

It all boils down to self respect.

Sure you may say,shit like you don't care
about yourself.I mean shit .It's my fucking
body.

But tell me honestly,when it boils down
to people who love you having to see what
you are and knowing what you are.
If you can honestly say you could not
give a shit.

Then I would have nothing to say.

As easy as it could have possibly been
then for me to just live that lifestyle,
of just simply screwing around.
I could have .
But I just couldn't do it.
I couldn't bring myself to simply use
a girl for for my own sexual pleasure
and then treat her like she was nothing.

For sure you may hate what I do,
and what I write.But do know that I'm a guy.
And the shit that can come along with you
potraying yourself as someone easy over
a network like Friendster.

Do know what you're potentially putting
yourself to.
And when guys take advantage of you.
Who do you really blame.

God , I can barely feel my ass.
There's more like real stories of
Mat Motors who do random minahs and
then leave them at cemeteries when
they're done but another day.

Till then ;

Mucho Love ,

The Critic

Minahs.

2008-01-06T21:52:00.000+08:00

2008 is here.

And how many of you are already looking forward to
a good year?

Today we shall take an in-depth look at 2 types

of people.
Sorry I took so god damn long to update.
But to make up for it.
I will update over the next few days.
But for today.

We will touch on Hate Taggers.
And an in-depth analysis on the minah hybrid.
Then a very interestingly disturbing sex blog
from a couple remoting here in singapore,
who simply enjoys metallic eggs up their assholes.

And then a little on racism.
And how just some people are so fucking
desperate for readership that they would
resort to the most pathetic controversial thing.

Race issues and Cuisine Mixups.

One:

Anonymous Hate Taggers.

And Two :

Minahs Or M.I.D's Minahs In Denial.

But firstly let's talk a little about Anonymous
Hate Taggers.

In the last few days close to 2008,I told a certain
aspiring model to take her diva like
attitude and shove it.

And it sparked off a big amount of anonymous hate taggers
who felt that I would be affected by anything they could tag.

Tsk.

Hate Taggers.

I would have more respect for a dead goldfish compared
to someone who believes he is superior by leaving anonymous
hate tags.

A lot of people questioned why I do not bother
putting her down.

Jesus.
She's 15.
Even though it was very tempting for me to put her down here,

I decided against it.
I could have simply took one of her photographs and simply uploaded
them into a mail order bride site.
And watch as the offers from dirty old men all over the world place
amounts for her body.

I swear to God I was so tempted to do something
like this.
An example.
P.s: She was not even given the honor here either.
Just some random girl selling herself.

As tempting as it was to make a gameshow out of her body,
I still have enough respect for the female race to not let her body
be bidded upon.

God it was so easy with all her photoshoots so similiar.
But no.

I just cannot afford to play a game of ;

"Just how much did she get offered now?"

Tempting.
But it would have gone against my principles.

But it's all in 07.
But hell.
One hate tag from such a person
and it starts a whole frenzy.

For example.

My most die hard female hate tagger Miss Elaine.

Now who could this Elaine be?

She could be anyone yes?
Elaine could be the daughter of the woman who scorns
everytime I request not having beansprouts in my fishball noodles.

Elaine could be an angsty 18 year old student who enjoys smelling used
condoms and sniffing on used sanitary pads.

Elaine could be a transexual with a fetish for men in
McDelivery uniforms.

I mean Elaine could be anyone.
And that is so scary.
[Note:Kindly snigger at that sarcastic remark]

For all we know.

Elaine could be a man.
Could she even be of these following men?
I'm guessing "To the left, to the left!"

Nice.

lol.

But since anonymous taggers like to play the mystery
game.I'll play along and go ahead with a game of guess
the tagger.

In which case, I believe this is Elaine.

Such a beautiful specimen this Elaine.
I know it's illogical of me to even think that a primate
could possibly be behind a computer typing hate tags away
at me.And that I am actually insulting monkeys by
grouping Mrs/Mr Elaine into such a category but what
the heck.I'm bananas up there anyways.

But I would sleep better at night knowing a monkey
was behind all that crap instead of a human too afraid
to show his/her identity.

Or in any other case any other hate tagger
of mine is welcome to fit in the space below.

Now taggers like Elaine the primate tagger and such
believe that I could actually be hurt by just what
they think of me.So it always starts with one monkey
hate tagging me , in which a couple of laters another monkey
will see it.Get excited,touch itself upon seeing that there was
a monkey trying to start something and join in.

Thus the familiar phrase ;

"Monkey see , Monkey do. "

For crying out loud.

All you fucking monkeys must have
Attention Deficit Disorder or something.Thus the fucking
inability to pay attention to anything more than
60 seconds.

And I am willing to bet 3 bunches of ripe bananas
that you are not even reading this paragraph
but just scrolling through to see just who I had
featured next.

Naughty monkey.
Jason no give monkey banana.
Elaine bad monkey.

And most of my hate taggers will often
tag me with insults saying that I'm not
hot or I'm ugly.

l o fucking l.
That is supposed to be insulting.
I am supposed to be hurt from a couple
of girls who think I am ugly.

Jesus.
I would only be affected if I had
been part of the following ;

A. I'm an aspiring model whose Dr.Professor
Daddy pays for all my shoots to help me convince
myself that I'm beautiful.

Or.

B.I actually did believe that I was a fucking
hot person.lol.
Show me.Show me a piece I ever did on
proclaiming or telling anyone that I'm hot.

I never once believed I was hot.
Or went around proclaiming to
every girl I met in life that I was hot.

If I was this fucking man.
Then hell yes.
I would gladly say I was hot.

If I was motherfucking Corey Taylor.
Hell I would go around telling the whole fucking
universe I was hot.

Hell.
I would go around the whole fucking universe
without fucking pants telling every one I was
fucking hot.

Hell.
Who needs clothes when you're already
hot without fucking hair.

But sadly.
I am not Corey Taylor.
So for that matter alone.
I am not hot.

Sigh.
God you owe me.

lol.

And then you have people who choose to
tag me with things like how I have a small
penis,and how I writes such things in hopes
that my penis grows bigger overnight.

Oh my favorite ones would be something;
like either;

"You have no dick.Or you no cock."

Again.
I am supposed to say ;

Again.
It would be insulting if I had gone around
bragging that I'm big in the pants and
that I could actually satisfy a female horse.

Nope.
I don't do that.

As far as I can remember,
I believe I only have the ability to sexually
please two laboratory rats and that even I have
to take 2 hour breaks in between making love
to them.

Wait.
Oh yeah.
I actually tell people who read me
that I have no penis and that it died on me.

Goodness me.
I have no fucking penis!

Tsk.
And you come telling me I don't own a penis.

At the end of the day.
Singapore is very small.
And the chances of me bumping into you are
high.
Labeling me a coward when I show my identity,
isn't something really very smart to say.

It's even more ironic.
When you could actually call someone a coward
and yet have an anonymous identity.

Besides telling me once that you hate me is enough.
I do not expect every fucking person who reads me
to like me.

But don't be a bitch to diss every other reader of
mine simply because they choose to disagree with
you.

Tsk.

Oh well.
Just so some of you can go to sleep with ease
at night.

I'll play along and pretend I'm actually hurt okay.
So here's one for all of you haters.

lol.

Idiots.

And Happy Belated New Year's all.

Till then ;

Mucho Love ,

The Critic

Christmas with Smiley J.

2007-12-22T20:29:00.000+08:00

Christmas is just around the fucking corner.
And Merry Christmas to all.

It's the fucking time to be jolly and make folly.
After all it only comes once a year so let's
make the best out of it.

I'll probably be too busy sulking at Chrismas
and spending another day at my house meeting
people who claim I have either gotten bigger
or fatter and telling me how much I have grown
and how the last time they see me I was a little
boy going around shamelessly asking for my presents
and how I have grown into a man.

So will come another day , of meeting people
I would probably end up disliking anyways.
Too much smiling and hugging on Christmas
between Strangers.

And yes even more Christmas jokes from
my non-celebrating Christmas friends.

So in the good spirit of Christmas , I will update
in advance.
A little Christmas treat for all of you .

Now it's been a fucking long time since I last
touched on tit flashing minahs.
I believe I had gave them a good reason to
not ever tit flash on the web and anyone else
who thought tit flashing would be a good idea
on the net.

But in this Christmas special.
I guess I have to be happy and shit ,
since it is going to be Christmas soon and
it's only right all of us appear happy be it
willing or unwilling.

And in this Christmas special I want you
to meet a good acquaintance of mine.

People kindly meet Smiley J.

Oh God.
That is so wrong on so many levels.
I refuse to take a genuine picture of me smiling.
Because it just looks too pretentious of me and I
look like a faggot when I smile or attempt to smile.

Thus,this editted picture.
Of which one of my readers did for me as a belated
halloween present will have to suffice.

Now let me ask you this.
How many of you Chrismas celebrating fucks
have already bought your Christmas Ham?

These bloody things.

Well if you have not.
Then from now on you will no longer
find ham as appealing as you used to just like me.

People meet Mama Irna.
Or if I may say so myself Mama Ham Tits.

As you can see for yourself she doesn't give a tit or ham
about whether you like her or hate her.
So she won't mind be hating her on this entry.

Now fellow Mama Ham Tits has over
300 pictures in her account and I will not
feature all 300.That would simply be
crazy.

I mean hell to mean anything more than a
100 is crazy enough.
But holy hams 300 motherfucking
pictures?

And almost 80 % tit flashing?

But the tit flashing ain't the funny
part.
It's the motherfucking captions
that come along with the shit.

And the denial of not being a minah.
Oh God.

Simply Hilarious these M.I.D's.
otherwise known as
Minahs In Denial.

Why is there a fucking need to titflash?
Why?
It isn't fucking sexy.
Especially when you ain't got such
a sexy body.

But who am I to know what sexy is.
As taken from one the most brightest
people of our time -

What doesn't make me a happier man
I don't give a damn.

So let's just review a few of her pictures
among the 300 godamn pictures she had.
With smiley J of course.
And just what Smiley J thinks of Mama Ham Tits.

As follows ;

And there you have it people, a few
pictures from her collection of 300.
I had to go through every single one.
With that said , it's time to say goodbye.
And of course we'll have to let
Smiley J say goodbye as well.

Did that bring back some bad memories
for you Ash?
It did for me .

lol.

Till then ;

Mucho Love ,

The Critic

Psychtraveller : Mindfuck.

2007-12-20T13:25:00.000+08:00

Another sex blog to go.
And this entry has more disturbing
images than The Temptress's piece.

Today we're going to review another sex
blog by a certain blogger from
Blogspot's sworn enemy Livejournal.

Previously I had presented to you people
a certain temptress.Who has taken
every ability to let me look at tits in a
sexual manner.

Today we have a fellow woman
whose love slave is James Blunt and poor
fuck has no idea at all that he is
in actual fact her love slave.

We won't be hearing any
You're Beautiful being sung for a while.

Now a little about the following sex blog,
it's about a certain NUS student.
I do not know how true to a certain extent
that she really is an undergrad so don't
get on my ass about that.

When I read her , this woman.

She gave me very mixed feelings
when I read her.
To a certain extent I want to just
give her a hug and tell her everything's okay.
But to a certain I just want to shove that
disco red vibrator down her throat and see
her choke to death on it.

Here is a fellow blogger who does sexual
favours in exchange for cash.
Not because she is incapable of getting
a job and is in dire need of cash but instead
just chooses to do so for simple materialistic
things like belts and shoes and nail art and
such.

Yes.
She is willing sell her body off just in
order to have her nails done like this
in which she proudly boasts of in her blog
as such ;

And she gave me very mixed feelings
when I read her.

I'll be honest with you.
At first I felt very repulsed and disgusted
by her actions and such ,
and I swear to God the more I read on,
my jaw kept dropping so many fucking time
at one point of time I considered investing in
a neck brace to keep my jaw up.

It would be a good long time investement.
Or you can give it to me as as a Christmas
present.With Christmas round the corner
and shit.And in the lovely spirit of Chritsmas
I dreamt last night that my girlfriend had
cheated on me with some dude named
Rudolph.

Of all the fucking names.
It had to be Rudolph.
But that's another story.
Back to James Blunt Love Slave.

I read her blog further and I found myself
feeling pity for her but to a certain extent
due to some of the male customers she had to deal with
and guys she had met.

But I believe that if you can actually make your way
to NUS,you should have a bit more common sense than that
to put yourself in such uncompromising positions.

But I'll leave that to your own judgment.

Firstly we will check out the very , very unnecessary
images she had posted on her public blog.
If you're going to fucking show your bloody tits
at least make it a private blog.

God.

And in this particular entry,
she had wrote the following ;

OH SHIT I THINK IM PREGNANT!

I JUST VOMITED FOR NO REASON AND MY FUCKING
TUMMY IS FUCKING SHOWING.

IN FACT ITS HUGE! AND ALL THE WHILE
I HAVE BEEN TELLING PEOPLE SLEEPING
WITH ME'DONT MIND MY TUMMY.

ITS QUITE BIG' AND THE THOUGHT THAT
I MIGHT BE PREGNANT AND THAT MY TUMMY
HAS NEVER BEEN LARGER NEVER CROSSED MY MIND!

I MUST BE FUCKING BLIND.
LET ME SHOW YOU AND PLZ PLZ
TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK.

And what was I greeted with.
The wonderful following.

Good God.

As you can see that is a very unnecessary display
of one's bloated stomach.
And now I've develop a phobia of eating and
drinking beer.

But trust me people , it gets worst.

Now.
How many of you have a "Happy Trail"?
How many of you are even familiar with
that term "Happy Trail" and have any idea
what it even is.

But since I'm in a happy kinda mood today.
I'll show you a fine example of what exactly
it is or at least in this case let Mr Psychtraveller
show you just what it is.

Now people.
This is a "Happy Trail".

Nice.
How happy do you feel now?!
How happy do you fucking feel now!

lol.

Now with the repulsive part out of the picture,
let's look at the saddening part and just how cruel
some men can be,

As you can see,the woman doesn't need to sell
herself to support herself but for simple material
things like dresses and pedicures and shit.

I mean if u're fucking undergrad you would know better
than to let yourself be put into such situations.

And some men can just be total bastards.
Sure . At least have the decency in you to treat
her with a little respect.
For fuck's sake you made use of her body for
your sexual desires and what do some of them do
they steal back the money they paid her.

Some even just pay her a measly ten bucks.
For fuck's sake, even a pack of cigarettes cost much
more these days.

And that is why I have such mixed feelings about
that girl.
Treat your god damn body with a little respect
and it would be respected.
Such acts are truly unnecessary.

I do not look down upon prostitution.
If you are really put into a position and
forced into it or cheated into it , then I would
truly say you had my sympathy.

But if you simply did it just for the
materials things and not to survive.

Then what the fuck is wrong with you.

Jesus.
What is this world coming to.

Till then ;

Mucho Love ,

The Critic.

Sex Blogs : The Sex?

2007-12-18T20:27:00.000+08:00

Sex.

Today let's talk about Sex.
And the need to tell the world
of your sexual romps because you
believe no other person is getting it
the way you are getting it.

And the one thing that has me pissed
off this week.
Recently my brother got caught
by my father red-handed for watching
some so called "pornography".

In which my brother claims was
just an Adult Friend Finder advertisment.
In which my father said was straight up
porno. I trust and believe neither.

And for my brother's little misdeed.
My father has decided to have the computer
shifted to his room.

And you have no freaking idea how irritating
it is to have to edit your material of nipples
and such with your mother behind you.

The best part , I'm to blame for my brother's
act.From both my parents.
This is a fucking dude whom they know
smokes , drinks, has tattoos but hell no.
No way in hell is any child of mine going
to be watching pornography.

Pornography bad.
Pornography evil.
Pornography make your wee-wee stand.

But it's all cool.
I'll just stab them all later.

Now sex.
Let's talk about it.
A lot of us have blogs , and most of us
have different writing styles.

Some choose to write about their daily
activities and pretend they have a life
no one else has, hell even celebrities
don't come close to the life they have.

Some choose to write about music,
or love stories , or the clubbing scene.
Some use it to get political and hopefully
raised their intelligence levels.

While some.
Just prefer to dedicate their blogs to
Sex.

And the two people I am about to feature,
I'm afraid to say are not stupid people.
One's an A-Levels student.
And the other a University Undergrad
whom I will feature tommorow.
One feels the need to flash her corpse like
tits.
The other feels the need to show the world
her vibrator and a few other unecessary things.

WARNING:

THE FOLLOWING IMAGES
YOU ARE ABOUT TO SEE
MAY BE DEEMED GRAPHIC
AND UNECESSARY.

THE WRITER SPENT LONG
HOURS MEDITATING AND
CLEANSING HIS EYES WITH
EYE DROPS BEFORE ENGAGING
THIS PICTURES.

DO TAKE NECESSARY
CAUTION.

Okay.
Now with that shit out of the way
let's review a couple of sex blogs shall
we ?

First up we have a blog by a 20
year old A-Levels student , otherwise
known as The Temptress.

Are you feeling tempted already?
Well you will.
At least some of you necrophilliacs
out there.

Doesn't that name just sound so
tempting.
Tsk.
The Temptress.
Oh God this is going to be good.

Thanks to whoever who left me that
link in my tagboard.
I clicked on it and what the fuck am I
greeted with?

I'm greeted with this shit ;

I'm greeted with fucking corpse like
tits. Great.
Kill every motherfucking thing on the
female body that I as very straight male,
can find sexy.

I'll be honest with you , I've seen some
pretty bad tits.From all those tit-flashing
girls I've seen and those are just scary
corpse like tits.

But it gets better .
I came across this entry.

Now just what is Fornication.
Well you see .
As someone's a A-levels student.
She feels the need to impress us with
such vocabulary.

But fret not , for I am a simple person
thus I will explain simply what Fornication
means ;

It simply means to Fuck.
But our little temptress over here is
to sacred afterall to use such a word as
Fuck and therefore feels Fornication is a
much nicer word .

Just like how some people choose to
sugarcoat the word Fuck as ;

1.F@&% Off Idiot.
2.F*** You
3.You Stupid MotherF'er
4.Go Fish Yourself.

Just use the fucking word lah you
stupid Fornications.

Ouh.
Addictive.

And on I went to read her blog
and came across a few entries of her
which I feel deserve some attention.
So we will study a few of her entries
and see how she claims to not be a
horny sex blogger, before we review
her so called "artistic artworks."

I just couldn't resist The Temptation.

As you can see .
She has made it clear that she is not such
a horny person after all.

Or is she?

Ok now that we have established the point that
she is a horny sex blogger we will now move on.
Now let's study a few of her so called
"artistic photographs" .I was once an art student
myself so I should have a little understanding on
what art is all about.

And for this special entry only.
I am Monsieur Critiq and I will be selling
off a couple of my artworks.
I am but a struggling low-waged artist
so please do make reasonable offers for
my artwork remakes if you are interested.

Now some of her art.

Notice how the middle photograph is more artistic
compared to her other two which I had not added
my artistic touch to?

All you need was a marker and the words
"Bukit Timah" and there you have it .
Marketable Art.

And now I Monsieur Critiq will feature
more of my artworks .
Do note that they are all for sale.

In the last photograph you will see one
of my best work.
I appropriately named that piece of mine.
"The Dirty Sea Cucumber That Smiled."

But alas ;
Who is this L character we see in these photographs
otherwise known to me As Monsieur Black Bubble
Head.
To be honest with you I have never fucking understood
people who just simple choose to name people they are
associated with letters from the Alphabet.
Is it so fucking hard to come up with names.
L could be Liew , or Lawrence , Lorenzo .
My personal favorite would be Loser.

Is is so fucking hard to come up with
at least a fake name?
I grew up fucking watching Sesames Street.
Hell , I learnt the Alphabet through it.
All those talking letters that would speak to
you and sing the alphabet will you.

These fucking things.

Do you know how tainted you have let
my childhood memories become with
all the letter usage just because you're too
lazy to come up with a fake name.

Don't apologize.
The damage has been done,

But just who is this L character?
Let's find out shall we?
So we must study a few more entries.

So there we have it L is some woman's poor
husband and he has been tempted away
by The Temptress.
She had 21 comments on that entry.
Let's see how many out of that 21 actually
gives a shit on these things happening.

As you can see most didn't really give a rat's
ass on it.
It's totally fine to them that some man is
cheating behind his wife's back.
Such respectable people some of us Singaporeans.

Not to mention one stupid fuck.
Who fucking misspelled areola as aureola
in which I went to look up the meaning
and I was greeted with such images.

The proper term was in actual fact areola
as such ;

God.
I am very sorry to have associated you a nipple ring.
I was cheated.Please do not shorten my life span I
ask of you.
Why can't some of you just use simple good english.
Fornication and areola.
Jesus.

Nipple Ring.
Just say Nipple Ring.
Tsk.

In which in case any of you are wondering,
just what they are talking about.
They are talking about this photograph
that was associated with that entry.
And my my final piece of artwork from
myself Monsieur Critiq.

I call this piece .
"The Happy Nipple".

Thank you for viewing my exhibition.
Do let me know if you are interested
in any of my artworks.

Till tommorow ;

Mucho Love ,

The Critic.

P.s: God.I'm really sorry alright.lol.

Racial Issues Amigos.

2007-12-14T17:22:00.000+08:00

Today let's touch on something very sensitive.

Let's touch on the subject of Racial Issues.

Now now.
Stay calm.

Don't be reaching out to your phone to
call Sindha or Mendaki or CDAC and tell
them some fucker is about to touch on racial
issues.

Stay calm now.
I do not want to be sued by the Eurasian
Association for starting a racial war.

After all we eurasians are just a small
handful of helpless endangered fucks.
We are at the mercy of other races.

lol.

Now we all know Singapore came a long
way go get equal rights for all races and
shit like that.

And that's good,but I wont go into detail
on all that History shit because I could care
less.I'm thankful but I still could not care
less.

But can we really say racism no longer exists
here in Singapore?
We all seriously know it still exists but it's
been toned down to a very, very low threatening
level.And besides we know you pay dearly for
racism as if I remember correctly two bloggers
had gone to prison for a couple of months or so
for their racial discrimination against another
particular race.

Boy was that stupid.
I can just picture the two of them
constantly having to bend down to pick
up the soap bars the inmates of the race they
discriminated , dropped for them on purpose.

Oh well.
They paid the price for being racists.

I'm no racist but I do enjoy racial humor.
Tasteful jokes among friends with a sense
of humor about each other races.

I've had my fair share of racial jokes
thrown at me.

Especially with Christmas around the corner.
God.
The Christmas jokes I always had to bear with
from friends from other races such as ;

Friend: Jason,you hang your red socks already ah?
Me: They're not fucking socks asshole and No.
Friend: Yeah.Right...

Friend: Jason,why do you put X's on your buns?
Me: They're called Hot Cross Buns fucker.And
to make it look nice I guess.

Friend:Is Santa going to come and put presents under
your tree Jason? , Did you like make a wishlist?
Me: I live in a fucking flat. And only wish I have is
that all friends like you had deathwishes.

And then there's jokes about on whether I go
carolling door to door for brownies.Nice.
And then some ask if I go to church to Sing
"Oh Happy Days!" on Christmas.

I don't know who came up with the god
damn idea that all eurasians go to church on
christmas to just sing
"Oh Happy Days! , Oh Happy Days!.

Do you know how insulting that is to me.
Fancy them picturing me in a tuxedo ,
in a church , holding some stranger's hand
and singing "Oh Happy Days!".

Tsk.

Like how the past Hari Raya celebrations
with a couple of my malay campmates.

Friend:"Eh , Jason Hari Raya come my house okay?"

Me: Sure thing. *Proceeds to walk off*

Friend: Don't bring present okay.
No need gingerbreadman or Turkey.

Nice.
But it was funny to me.

And they do get my fair share of comebacks.
In which I tell them to go straighten a Kris,
go fold me ketupats,go make me rempah,
or go sing Burung Gagak Tua and shit like that.

And it's all in good fun.

Like Ramesh my indian friend, who believes
and by believe I mean truly believed that all
Eurasians eat mashed potato every morning
and drink tea in the afternoons,play fucking
croquet on Sundays.
For the record no god damn pereira in my
bloodline has ever played croquet.

And when I tease him on curry powder jokes,
fucker gets all sensitive and shit.

But there have been bad moments,
like a few times where I had issues with
a couple of different races and words
were exchanged and often I was told
to go back to my country.

That was insulting,knowing I had
a pink Singaporean identity card
and still was told to go back to
my country.

I was born in Kandang Kerbau
Hospital for crying out loud.

lol.

Oh those bad memories that
Loyang secondary gave me.

And sometimes when my mum is pissed
at either me or my bro and she curses at us
in tagalog going all "Putang ina moh" and shit.
I swear to God it's the most patronizing thing
ever.To be cursed in a language you don't
understand at all.

Life is unfair being a race minority.
But it's cool , and just the other day my friend
Nazri suggested me looking up on google
sleepingsluts.com as he told me that site
existed and I really couldn't understand
why anyone would want to hump a woman
when she's asleep.

It's a strange as making love to a tree or
a squid.

And so I did.
But I did so on Google's Image tab.
And what do I fucking see on the first
page of it's search.

I motherfucking see this.

I just burst out laughing so hard ,
I immediately print screened it without
even letting the other images load first.

Out of a couple of hundred images ,
Ramesh was in the first page.
Ramesh, my friend.
You are quite the popular one now.

lol.

Oh God.
The sense of humor you have.

But let's get down to the real shit.
Let's watch this following video shall we.
It's been going around for a while but ,
I only got to know about it quite recently.
Man I need to read the news more often.
But anyways here it is ;

Now , you'd be pissed wouldn't you.
That is of course if you had any humanity
in you.
A friend of mine a proud mat , had been
telling me about this video and I swear I
have never heard the term buto used so
many times in a sentence before.

Mat Friend;

"Pala buto peh konek putih,buto die pikir
orang singapore semua leh dipijak ape buto dia!
Kepala buto peh matsalleh sial!Buto sama whites ah!
Nie semua kerja kau peh race ah buto!"

In which translated means;

"Dick head white dicks,do they think they can
step over all singaporeans, dick him! Dick head
caucasian bastard ! Dick with whites ah!
This is the work of your race dick!"

In which I told him I did not have British
blood.
But he did not care he just went on and on
about how much he hated white people now
in which I told him was very stupid.
You can't hate the whole darn race because
of a few idiots.

Then I watched it ,
I got very pissed watching it ,
especially the part in which the fucking
dudes laugh at the poor old man in which
he laughs along with them, thinking they're
just being happy when in actual fact
they are simply mocking him.

And of course this video pissed off a lot
of Netizens.
I never like that term for some reason.
But that's not the point.

There were up to 3000+ comments
regarding that video and now let's
check out a couple of em.

As follows ;

and also ,

As you can see , a lot of fellow Singaporeans were pissed.
Angry at these 3 white people for treating that poor old
man like that.

To me it was a despicable act , and I honestly would
like to subject them to a couple of acts myself if I could
but I can't so I'll just curse under my breath.

But then , it got me thinking a little.
And I believe you would agree with me if I said,
a whole lot of fucking bloggers enjoy writing about
their run ins with bangladeshi workers.

A whole lot of bloggers are out there writing on how,
they have to bear with nauseating bangladeshis on
certain bus rides and diss them on their smell and shit.
Which to mean is pretty low to a certain extent.

Yes , I will admit that I've had my fair share of
experiences with them but you don't see me writing
on what kind of shower products I think they should
use or what cologne they shouldn't buy from Tekka.
Or telling my friends about how much I think of
them and the way they smell.

Ain't that shit racial discrimination?
People whine about how that uncle's just
trying to make a living and shit , then how about
them bangladeshi workers.

I mean if you come to think about it,
a huge majority of them come from a poor
country who slave their ass off for a ridiculous
wage and still have to send money back to
their families at home but hell no.

Some bloggers just feel the good old need
to curse at them for not wearing Calvin Klein
perfume or use Herbal Essences hair products
and shit.

But I ain't saying all of them deserve some
fucking pity.I had boarded this taxi the other
time where the driver had a broken , finger
and he told me the story of how a couple
of bangladeshis had beaten him and tried
to rob him.

I felt pissed.
I just wanted to call up my resident town council
demand them to send me a bangladeshi worker
to clear up my stuff , and that beat that dude up.

But what sense would that have made.
He wasn't the dude that beat up that taxi
driver.It was another person of his race.
So I can't possibly be discriminating an
entire race just because of a few fucks.

But I ain't saying we should now head down
to Orchard Road and beat every white person
we see.

Nor should we be calling up Town Councils and
demand a couple of bangladeshi workers to be
sent to our place for a bit of anger bashing.

I heard they were British,they could be from
the Northpole for all I care.
And there we have fellow Singaporeans
cursing at the British Race, when the British
were the ones to columnised this very country
we live in.

Oh how a couple of thousand of you have done
Sir Stamford Raffles proud.

The white supremacy shit does exist,
but not every white person who comes here
to Singapore expects all Singaporeans to bow
at his feet.

You want to hate a couple of them , it's
cool but to just hate the entire race.

Isn't that just stupid?

All I'm saying is be reasonable when it
comes to hating a certain race.
That shit is just very touchy and sensitive.
So everyone play nice now.

That's just what I think.
But who am I.

lol.

Till then ;

Mucho Love ,

The Critic

The Slingshot Method Up My Ass.

2007-12-07T08:58:00.000+08:00

I'm going to touch on a certain male counterpart today.
Who feels the strong need to turn himself into Singapore's
very own Hitch who's known as Mr El Scorpius.

Mexican?

Me mucho doubting tobasco antadeh maria maria!

Never mind.
Who am I kidding.

Anyways this ass,
who has his own site called www.theslingshotmethod.com
and believes with his site , as quoted by the jackass
himself ;

Oh Goodness!

I can get any local girl I want?!

Yes.
Get any local girl you bloody want!

Any god damn local girl you want as promised
by this certain jackass.And he will promise you ,
chances to win over models, prom queens and
even a couple of well known celebrities.

I've always found the Carrot Cake auntie
at the coffee shop near my place pretty cute.
Maybe now if I go buy the book I can finally
grow some balls to go win over her 50 year
old saggy ass.

Yes.
Local female senior citizens.
I crave them.

Stupid fuck.

But before I carry on to Singapore's very own
Hitch.
I have a special dedication from a student named
Douglas from Ite Simei.
Who has decided to be a good friend and just
show me and a lot others how cute his good
friend looks when he sleeps.

But as I have learnt , a couple of
precautionary measures had to be taken.
After all , I wouldn't want to be blamed for
any friendships getting torn apart because of
me.

Right?
Tsk.

And so the precautionary measure.
Evidence if I may say so myself.

And now Joseph , as your kind friend Douglas has
given to me with your permission.
The very first sleeping slut photo from an stranger
outside my circle of friends.

I would concetrate on the message ,
but somehow Joe I'm too bloody distracted
by the Daisy Duck covers.

lol.

But thanks both of you for being good sports.

And now back to
Mr-I-Help-You-Get-Any-Local-Woman-
And-Man.

Meet Mr El Scorpius as he calls himself.
I myself prefer to call him Dick Tracy.

When you visit his site ,
you will hear him speak in his whiny voice
advertising his product.
With a voice like that , I'm surprised Disney has
offered her .Tsk . HIM a job as a voice over for maybe
Toy Story 3 or some shit like that.

And this was what was on his stupid site.
And of course I felt the need to say whatever
I think he had left out , and would of course
sell much better.

Everyone speaks about how uncharming Singaporean
men are and shit like that.
Or at least our Singaporean women for that matter.
And here we now have an answer to our prayers.
We men of Singapore should now feel the need to shower
in his pee and nibble at his goatee for he is after all
our answer to Hitch right?

Tsk.

And guess what people.
We even have testimonials from his
site.
And I for a second almost thought I saw
that singer from that Coldplay band on his
site.

I thought.
Okay.

Yes we have a Mr Martin Edwards .
A consultant.
To me personally he should consult a
malay barber for a good haircut and a
clean shave and then maybe he wouldn't
have needed that bloody book.

That darn girl looks familiar.
Looks underage but familiar.
And it pisses me off that I can't put
my finger on it.
Oh how she would love to know on
how she's a sex buddy with a certain
Coldplay singer lookalike.

And then he brags about shit like this ;

I like Kumar.
I thought his drag shows were the funniest.
Scary at times but none the less hilarious.
And he is a cute celebrity.

And as you can see he will be taking a break
for at least the next year but however has
decided to spawn more horny Dick Tracy's
but fear not women of Singapore.

He has only decide to let out only
200 copies.

Yes.
But fret not.
I'm sure most of you will be able to know
these El Scorpius wannabes simply
from their yellow fedora hats and non-stop
conversations regarding Dick.

lol.

The slingshot method.

Nice.

Tsk.

Till then ,

Mucho Love ;

The Critic.

The Stupidest People.

2007-11-30T20:40:00.000+08:00

Everything just has to be spoon fed.
Doesn't it?

So let me present to you now.
My worst entry ever.

I will now put The Critic aside ,
and now let Jason Pereira speak.

*Squats and poops*

Hie People.

I am Jason , you people don't really hear much of me
because I am is like a real person and the critic hor is
likes a personyfication of me.

I think I hor is actually quite a brave person
because you see ah I write hor with an identity ,
and people can see who I am one.
Not as if I go around writing with a never know
identity what.

I think ah sometimes ah people tag me
with no identity one so they can say their
piece but not let me say mine to their face
because they not very brave like me.

Why sey people so mean to me.
I always believe people have a quite a bit
of intelligence but hor I keep being proven wrong.

Pardon me grammar hor because yu see ah , I never
go to Polytechnic one so I is not very smart,
because in school I play play only so I not
booksmart lor.But I got
date a couple of girls ah from Polies.
So can see I got absorb a little cleverness ah.

But hor , my parents always said I stupid one,
so they always said I will grow up to be useless
so for the longest time I did lor be useless.
So I gave up all self respect for myself and
because of that hor I hit ah. what ah.
Rocks bottoms is it?

But you sees ah,I pick myself up one
already and now quite a stronger person.
I don't wanna play the pity card and you
know have readers mainly for the reason they
pity me mah.

Like that not very nice ah.
And also Pathetix.

So now some people who come read my blog
think they is smarter than me because they
get to go to Poly and play with laptops and
believe I is nothing but a bimbo and I wants
to get attention only.

Why ah.
I also don't know lor.
I don't care also wan lah.

Aiya I don't know ah.
Doesn't mean I eurasian my english must be
chim mah.
I not the type to play croquet every sunday one
and eat croissants every morning so my english
not that powderful ah.

Everytime I write hor is I want to make you laugh
wan but at the same time deliver you the truth but
hard sey , very hard ah . Sometimes I feel misunderstood,
and people very mean scold my mother chibai.

I never seen my mother chibai before lor,
and certainly do not want to go and tell it
some unknown person is calling it mean things.

Wahlau, I came out from that chi bai leh.
Like quite ungrateful la to go scold it tol tak?

That chibai you scold scold you know who
came out of not.

"LIN PEH AH".

Innabueyeh chao chi bai. Scoldings2 my mother's
chibai.You better have come out of your mother's
nostril hor.

Then read one time see friend face boh happy ,
kao peh kao bu at my tagboard .
Kaninaya I come here write what I no lan chao ah
let people think I'm gay and bisexual ah , take photos
of my friends all sleeping and call them sluts

[Which i recently found out that a superstition says it
shorten's one's lifetime if a picture if snapped while
he/she is sleeping.Sorry dudes.]

Some people is bloody ingrates lor ,
ask me update but cannot kena a bit.
Want to read on how I make a fool of myself
my friends and other people AS LONG HOR
IT'S NOT THEM OR THEIR FRIENDS.

Wahlao , some people just want to be sugar coated lor.
Ok lor , you all don't worry hor I can pray for you all
that you all will have blessed lives where straight
after school got high paying job one , meet model
girlfriend or boyfriend , won't ever have to bear the
pain of going through the death of a loved one ,
will stay in a condo everyday eat caviar and oysters
ok bo?

Everything I write hor people want to analyze deeply
and then take it so damn seriously
Wahlao damn channel 8 drama lor.
What , not happy ah.
Ask Mediacorp sue me lor.

Everything also wanna talk and be so
negative one, ya la u all perfect okay.
I is the imperfectz one need to do this to
feel better about myself.

Friends fight then want to blame me one.
Ya lor.
Come blame me lor.
Christopher lee go jail my fault mah.
Blame me for that ah.
Benedict lee go drunk driving also
blame me lar.
I sms him to Go Drink And Drive what.

Si beh stupid ah some people.
Everything also kao pei.
Worse than Great Singapore Sale lor.

Talk about carpet sex a bit only bloody big deal,
wahlao I only go until O-levels but never mean
I is cannot see it is a joke mah.

I read myself I laugh and thought it was
funny but wahlao friends go and fight over
it then come blame me and call each other
names.

Chun bo people?

Wahlao my good friend now World Silat
Champion come out news all appear in
Malay and Engrish Newspapers talking
about how more muslim teenagers should follow
in his footsteps.

Not his cross dressing ways hor.
But his ways in doing our country proud
like winning world tittles and gold medals
and not bloody whining as if the whole world
is against him and how his friends all now
want to leave him because unfortunately
somebody posted a convo they had which
they had themselves uploaded into the net
for people to see.

You know what.
Fuck it.
I can't write your language.
But I must say I did pretty well.

This is a fucking person who represents
Singapore in competitions with competitors
from all over the fucking world.

Wins fucking gold medals.
Has the ability to fucking knock people
out with his back kick.
Appeared in newspapers and shit.
And is reportedly to be hung like a horse.

And I play him off as a fucking drag
on this blog and tell people how he wants
to suck me and shit.

A fucking person who has more to lose
than anyone else by appearing as a
midnight drag.

[Credits to Ash for
pointing this out to the girlfriend.Go Kueh Lapis!]

And he gets noticed outside and people shout
out to him in acknowledgment and shit and hell
he doesn't come complaining or whining to me
about it.
He doesn't go ;

"Oh dear Jason ,Please don't ruin my reputation"

Especially with a blog hit average of ;

He doesn't fucking go

"Jason don't la do this to me , I know you blogger
and all but don't ah.I tell people how we have phone
convos and stuff you know.I tell people I know you okay."

Nope.
He fucking doesn't do that.

Why.
Why you ask would a friend of mine be subjected
to such humor still would want to regard me as a
good friend.

Why.

Very simple.
Because he has something a few of you lack.

A SENSE OF HUMOR.

But fret not.
I'm sure it can be nurtured.
Just go fucking jerk off to jokebooks
or something.

Here I am calling him a prostidude and
shit.
And what is the most he says to that ?

Whine ah.
Whine somemore ah.

Jackasses.

And when your own fucking own friend.
Mr RedRulz who has a crush on Razif does
this.

Tsk.

Now let me deliver it to you straight
word by fucking word.

*enters stupid mode*
[God this is degrading]

BUT OH NO!
WHAT WOULD I DO IF THE
CRITIC SAYS SOMETHING I
CANNOT EMOTIONALLY
ACCEPT?!

OH NO. OH NO.

I know!

I'll post up conversations of me and my friend
QB which stands for Queen Bee and not
Queer Buttplug because I know Jason is
not going to give a single solitary fuck but what
the heck , I need to clarify so that my 92 readers
get it.

So what if Jason has a lot of readers in which
most he thanks and talks to over msn and shit
and is friendly to them and genuinely gives a shit
about what they think?

That fucker must have very low self esteem because
I think hor he gives them his msn add so they can tell
him how much his blog rocks and shit , but hor it can
also be for the reason that he wants to hear what
the people who read him have to say and is genuinely
interested in their thoughts and opinions but what the
hell , cannot be ah.

Jason never go poly.Never get good education.
Parents look down on him.Hit rock bottom before.
Ya lor.
Must have low self esteem one ah the fucker.

So nevermind I will try to be funny and talk about
his penis size and how I never think he could ever
give me a sexual orgasm because I like so totalllly
have no self respect for myself but I think Jason
will find it funny and think I'm different and then
want me.

Aiya . I don't know ah.
Very hard to sastify 92 readers okay.

*Quits stupid mode*

You fucking fall out with your friend ,
it's my fucking fault now?

I read somewhere true friendship
will overcome all obstacles and shit or
some other fuck crap like that but hell no
one blogger who is a total fuck stranger to
me writes about me and my friend who likes
abnormal shaped objects in her butthole ,
we fall out and

WE BLAME JASON!

JASON IS TO BLAME!

JASON IS TO BLAME!

Of course it's fucking funny to call
me a brinjal face and golem and shit.
My friends and me had a good laugh about
it in camp.

But oh no.
The fucking moment I decide to feature
the both of you.
It suddenly fucking becomes a bad thing now.

IDIOTS.
I LAUGHED AT YOUR ENTRIES.

Just because I featured you here.
It's all negative now.
Am I not being the butt of your jokes?

And when I feature you here and
say how you think I cannot sastify
two bloody fucking labrats and feel the
need to have carpet burns on my body.

Am I not subjecting myself to embarassment.

Oh yeah right.
I ain't allowed to say my bloody piece.

Last time I checked ;
I do insult humor.

Humor.

Learn that word.

Just because I'm fucking nice to you as a person.
And you tell me you read me and shit means what,
I'm supposed to fucking bite my tongue when you say
I cannot sastify two rats?
Lab rats some more.

Fucking hell.
Lab rats you know.

How insulting.lol.

Booo hooo.
I lost a friend Booo hooo.
My life is over.
Whose butthole can I plug now?

Take a bloody good look and how many of
my bloody fucking friends I have subjected
for your own laughter.
Hell fucking family and a loved one even.

But I don't see any one of them fucking
falling out with me .
Refusing to answer my calls and shit.

Wait .
Oh yeah.

They're simply ;

NOT THAT STUPID.

I subject myself and every single fuck I care
about in this life and they themselves laugh
at themselves and we all have good fun in it.

Oh but hell no.
You can write about me and I can't write
about you?

Come kiss my fucking rose beige buttcheeks.

And there ain't no buttplugs between these buns.

And now this whole bloody carpet controversy.

Those few of you don't really give me much credit
for my intelligence don't you.

I dated a couple of girls from Republic Poly.
So chill my dear republicans.
I have taken two for the Team.

Team Republic.
Cathchy.

Really.

So bloody chill will you.
Why so damn sensitive.

Call nympho get so damn agitated.

FUCKING GUILTY CONSCIENCE RIGHT!

Okay people.
Hear me out now.

All Republicans are virgins.
The male republicans have no idea what a vagina
looks like.
They believe vaginas are a form of Russian dessert.

All female republicans have heard of the myth
of a sausaged shaped object hanging outside the
male body which can stand upon the sight of a female's
naked body.
But to date it has been a myth.

To date no Female Republican has seen a penis.

Feel better people?

Listen here and listen good.

I found that carpet sex information
very hilarious.
I found it very adorable that a person
would want to hump me on top a carpet.

I prefer cold hard flooring so as opposed to
maybe marble burns or parquet burns perhaps.

But I'm such a meanie ain't I.
I mean shit I did cover her face with a carpet.
But hell I must still be a meanie.

And I must be pretty fucking damn stupid too
if you think my sole purpose is simply making
use of certain people to be entertaining.

I know when someone is using me , trust me
I do.Especially when that person writes in her
own blog on our conversations and shit
and how she can pester me so subtly which
is just insulting my intelligence.

Like this?

I've fucking said it before.
Just because you read me , talk to me
on msn and we have a few nice conversations
don't think for one bloody minute at any time
in this life time you can make use of me to get back
at some one you call a friend but secretly dislike
and want to see embarrassed.

To blatantly just approach me on msn and
suddenly talk about your sexual fantasies
your friend has on me .

You think I would not find that shit suspicious?
I may not have gone to a polytechnic
but that doesn't fucking mean I sold
my bloody brains and instinct to a polyclinic.

Writing about our convos in your blog.
Pestering to see if I had updated.
Tagging me with subtle aggravations.

Someone seemed really eager to see
me criticize her friend.

But hell I don't know.
You guys are Team Republic.

Only public thing I've ever gotten
close to would be a public toilet.
Tsk.

If I really wanted to shame dear miss
carpet burner.
Would I have not just shown her face.

But nope.

I MOTHERFUCKING DID NOT
DID I YOU FUCKS?!

True friends.

Tsk?
How many of you can actually say you have
some.

I know who my true friends are.

Do you?

I fucking showed you republicans what
kind of friends you can possibly have
but hell no.
Fancy letting you see and judge for
yourself.

But once again I've been let down.
Sigh.

Come fucking flaming me and telling me
on msn to come see my tagboard and
bring a fire extinguishers.

Poly students .
I thought highly of you.

I see you guys everyday at Woodlands
Interchange.
You guys were like children to me.
You disappointed me.

I liked Republic Poly.
Well I've been dissapointed.
Oh well.

Temasek Polytechnic next I guess.

Well I could be wrong about everything.
After all I didn't even get to piss in a polytechnic
urinal.

You judge.

Till then ;

The Critic.