PROFILE

The Journal Of A Grade A Fuck Up.

I never thought the entry that I would write, after being away for oh so long,
would be anything like this,but oh well, hopefully just this once.
I'll write about why I stopped writing for so long in the next entry, in this one however,
pay attention to the human epitome of shit.

Ladies and Gentlemen.
Kindly Meet Mr Hirwandie Tan,
And I'm leaving out the Prophet's name on purpose because personally I think
It's an insult for him to bear that name.



Now I did not create the above picture.
His supposed girlfriend that has now learnt his true character did it.
I on the other hand do no think it's a good idea to side part your hair , into a little
nice Jambol and then wear a hat.
Just doesn't make sense, but if that is how human-swine hybrids don their hats,
then who am I to complain.

Now for the Public Service Announcement.

If you are friends with Mr Swine over here, or in the even more unfortunate event,
that you are in a relationship with him.I suggest you start being wary of this pork meat.
Never have I met such a person so fucking disgusting that after just hearing a couple of
stories of him, I was boiling with hatred.

You know a person is fucked up when he does something like ask you for help,
and when you help that ingrate and his method of repayment is fucking you over.

Hell, I don't even know where to begin.
Let's start off in point form shall we.

Hirwandie I hope by some act of God,you get to read this as you are the fucking
reason I keep my eyes peeled now when I go out.

1.You asked my best friend's brother to help you sign up for a line in his name,
out of trust and pity he does, and what do you do?
Let the bill roll up to a few hundred dollars, and when he asks you to settle the payment
you fucking go Houdini on his ass, forcing early termination of the contract which
adds up to another few hundred dollars.So upon doing your little magic act, you actually forget
that he knows where you fucking live.

So after having to chase you for months to settle the bill,as lawyers were soon on his ass,
him and his family had no choice but your family a visit,in the hopes that they would be
humane enough to settle your little fucking problem,but like they say the rotten apple doesn't
fall from the tree,and boy is your family tree one big decomposing piece of nature.

I would never be one to insult a person's family, as I believe people can choose to represent themselves.But boy was I wrong on this fucker.
My friend's parents had to go to your fucking house to try to ask your parents to take care
of this little problem you created and what do your parents do?
You know I may not be Muslim,but I'm pretty sure it's basic courtesy to invite someone in to
talk instead of talking through the gates, but what the hell you know.
And your Dad, who has the manners equivalent to a roadside carcass sure presented himself well, just ignoring my friend's entire family and smoked as if they were not even there,and then just walked off when he was done with his cigarette?
Does your father roll in mud during his free time and feed on rotten apples because his behavior
seems pretty similar to that of a farm pig.

That was what the 1st time they went to see your family yes?
And what did your family do the 2nd time they went to visit your house?
Oh your family pretended to not be at home, and when my friend's brother peeked
through the glass window, your mum messaged him saying they broke her window.
Now I'm not going to even bother explaining because it doesn't even take a rocket scientist
to figure that out.

And now the reasons why if anyone who has the average iq of a normal person should know better than to befriend this Mr Wandee.

He has cheated his close friend out of if I'm not wrong $3000 plus dollars, the poor dude's
life savings,because Mr Wandee apparently told him that he had no money to pay for his
La Salle fees.And that his family was poor , they were suffering , hell he would have even fucking believed you if you ate each other's fucking faeces for dinner and showered with each other's urine because he trusts you as a fucking friend.
But you just had to fuck him over.You must be a pretty fucking heartless fat boy Wandee,to do that to someone.A close friend for that matter.

And you know, I'm pretty fucking amazed at how much game you have, because you still seem
to have no problem getting girls, and fucking them over.
Mr Wandee here apparently melts the hearts of girls with youtube videos.
Now which human would have possibly thought of that, while most guys send their girlfriends
sweet youtube videos,you record the covers of certain love songs,send them to the girl and
actually tell her you sang and did a cover for her.

You little cunning oink.

And what do you do with the girls that give you their hearts, you get them to sign up handphone lines for you with probably the same bullshit you tell every other person on how poor your family is, and how there is not enough food at home, you skip school to work , but the fucking funny thing is that, if you're family is that poor, then explain to me how the hell do you own a iphone, seen in the most stylish and branded clothes?
Doesn't make much fucking sense does it?

So there you go making girls fall for you, and then getting them to sign up lines which you then start pulling fucking Houdini's.And leaving them with bills close to a thousand dollars each time.
And while you are fortunate enough to have a girl that loves you enough to stay loyal to you overseas,you fucking cheat on her with other girls here,and hell you even got her to sign 3 fucking lines for you.
It's bad enough you can't stick to one girl,you have to make them suffer with forking out hundreds to pay for your handphone bills.

I mean seriously what the fuck is you and your fucking obsession with getting girls to sign up lines for you? Do you jack off to the phone bills you get, Do you like fucking calculate what the digits are in each bill and that's the amount of times you give your little dick a beating.

Don't fucking earn the trust of people, play off the whole "I'm Poor" crap when you are not,
and when they do help you,you fuck them over and pull a Houdini.
I hope when you fucking die , people you fuck over piss on your fucking grave.

So that does it for me, I just did the public a favor.
Unless you got a few hundred to waste for no reason and gets an orgasm from being fucked over by people like this, then I suggest you do not befriend this man should he ever cross paths into your lives.





Stupid pig.

My favorite song of his.
How I would dance to this when I was a young kid.




You will be missed.
Rest In Peace Michael Jackson.

I'll keep this short.
I'm still detoxing so I refuse to do a proper entry.
And besides I've got houses to visit.

So I'm going to let Hirzi and his friends wish you guys a
Selamat Hari Raya.
It wouldn't make sense for an eurasian dude who did nothing
but tempt his friends with food during the fasting month to speak
about Hari Raya.

So just watch this shit as you drink some Bandung.








May all you muslims have a good one this year.
Let all the forgiving begin and get them tears flowing.
As you all dance to P.Ramlee songs in baju kurungs.


P.s : Sang Kancil is Satanic.




You didn't know that did you.




Till Then ;

Mucho Love ,


The Critic

Today we will have a look at deed polls , a couple of trannys and my new friend Ahmad.

Oh Ahmad.


Now before I move on the topic of trannys , I have to dedicate this small section
to my friend Tan Kea Loke who now has legally changed his name to
Vance Tan Kea Loke.

In case anyone has forgotten how Tan Kea Loke looks like.
I mean Vance Tan. What a suave name he has now.
Again this is Vance. Vance Tan.



After spending almost two years in the service with him.
One would think I would actually have a picture of him at least
awake.

But alas, I do not.
So that picture will have to do.

You see.
Before the 10th of September the sleeping slut featured above was
just known as Mr Tan Kea Loke or Lance Corporal Tan Kea Loke in
service terms.

But on the 10th of September , Mr Tan Kea Loke officially changed
his name to Mr Vance Tan Kea Loke.

The reason for that change you ask?
Well.
It goes something like this.

You see , I first met Loke about a year and a half ago when he first
reported to my camp after BMT.
There he was sitting in my officer's office , a fresh slut out of BMT.
I who then happened to be a couple of months old ,walked into the office
and Loke then smiled at me and stood up to shake my hand.

Loke: Hi , Im Loke. I'm the new guy.

Now I hadn't heard of such a name so I thought it was pretty funny
that someone would name their child Loke.
So I went all "Loke, haha. What the fuck. Is that hokkien for Coke?"

Loke just gave me a smirk and sat back down.
But that was the beginning of our friendship.
I always poked fun at loke regarding his language of choice.
You see he was constantly speaking in hokkien most of the time.

And he got a lot of teasing from me because of that.
When he spoke hokkien , I would talk gibberish as well and
then claim that I too could speak hokkien.

He always went "E-yay, E-yay" before letting out either a string
of Hokkien sentences or Hokkien expletives.
Kinda like how you go Err, or Eh Dude.
"E-yay" in hokkien would be the equivalent.
They sounded vulgar all the time anyways.
But I always loved the Hokkien Language.
It has such character.

And we always loved calling him E-yay as opposed to his Birth name.
"Eh E-yay let's go makan ah! or Eh E-yay lets go smoke!"

And he always blamed me for the guys in camp calling him E-yay.
So on the 10th of Sep, 2 days after I had officially ORD'd, he convinced
me to accompany him to have his name changed and be his witness if necessary.
Now this was something I had to witness alright.

So we went to Toa Payoh.
And went around browsing a couple of law firms before agreeing on one.
I kept asking him if I could tell the receptionist that we were here for gay
marriage and he told me he'd punch me if I did say anything stupid.
You never fuck with a hokkien man's punch.
Ok technically hokkien is a language, but who gives a shit.
Loke's my hokkien man.

So we entered a law firm called Law Hub.
And then I watched as he filled out a document which I later found out was
a deed poll.
The lawyer then asked him what name he would like to have,
and he told her to add Vance to the front of his current name.

I suggested to him that he just get rid of the Kea Loke behind it.
And add Lines to it. So it would be Vance Tan Lines.

But he told me to go fuck myself.
In a hokkien accent of course.

Now just what the fuck is a deed poll.
I took a copy too in case I ever felt the need to change my name.

And I'll just list a couple of FAQ's the form listed.

Q1 : What is a deed poll?

A: A deed poll is a legal document that enables you to change your name.

Q2 : Do I need to engage a lawyer's service for this?

A: Yes. a deed poll has to be prepared by a lawyer.In addition the document
must be signed by you in the presence of a lawyer for it to be valid in Singapore.

My favorite question.
This sealed the deal for me.

Q3. Can I change my name to anything I want?

A: There are generally no restrictions on what name you may want to change it to.

Q4: Can I add an alias to my name?

A: Yes you can add an alias to your name and it will be reflected in all future documents.

There a few other questions but simply put, there is no limit to how many times
you wish to change your name.And that you have to inform relevant organizations
and shit yourself and you have to be above 21 to do it on your own, your parents
must be present if you're below 21.

And the last question.

Q10: How much does it cost to do a deed poll.

A: Our legal fees for a deed poll is $90 excluding GST.
The Singapore Immigration and Registration requires a fee payment of $60
whenever there is a change of Identity Card.

Do you know what this fucking means?
For just $90 Mats can add animals to the back of their names.
Minahs can actually legalize Baby at the front of their names or
San at the back of their names.
Hell you could call yourself Colonel Sanders , and even have an
alias like The Pink Zebra for $90 bucks.
And another $60 to have it in your IC.

I was so intrigued by this whole deed crap, that during lunch
afterwards with Vance. Vance Tan.
I considered changing my name.

Me: Eh Loke, shit I mean Vance.Vance Tan.
I think I also wanna change my name.

Vance.Vance Tan: Nahbei, early don't want to say.

Me: Eh fuck. I'm still considering right.

Vance.Vance Tan: Change to what? Juuvenido?

You see .
When Vance.Vance Tan suggested that name, it was only because
it would sound like You Bend I Do.
And not because he was sincere in helping.

Anyways moving on.

Me: I always hated the Cornelius in my name.It's so corny.
Jason Cornelius Pereira. Ergh.

Vance.Vance Tan: Then you wanna put what sia?

Me: Fuckin'.

Vance.Vance Tan: Siao ah. Where got people put such name wan?

Me: Exactly fucker. Jason Fuckin' Pereira. With the '.
You cannot forget about the ' bitch.

Vance.Vance Tan: Then change lor, when you want to do.

Me: Ain't you a supportive fuck.Maybe Christmas.

So this Christmas , if there is anyone out there who would
like to change their names.Please let me know so we may head
down together and celebrate our new names together afterwards.

And I ain't Joking.

The following day, I was bored at home browsing Friendster.
Yes. I still use Friendster.
People have been telling me Facebook is the shit , there are
celebrities there and shit but maybe in due time.

So I came across someone who I had once did an entry about.
A fellow mat tudung.

A couple of its pictures.






I had no idea what it was talking about in it's caption so I had to ask my friend Ahmad.
Oh Ahmad.







You'll find out who he is in a while.
Oh Ahmad.






Just to make things simple.
Here's a print screen.



I was finding the same shit hilarious as I had about a year ago,
but after doing some random clicking.
I found out that this was not the only Mat Tudung on the web.
But there was actually quite a number of them.
And all this within 5 mouse clicks.

So this is like a few of his friends.
No one's paying for my therapy so these should suffice.










Hell it had gotten so bad that even other transexuals were taking pity
upon this following group of Tudung Trannys.






Yes, apparently it has gotten that bad.
Shit ain't so funny now is it.
You know it's real freaky when other transsexuals find it freaky.

And if that shit wasn't bad enough.
I had the unfortunate chance of coming across Bella Manje.






I always never understood certain transsexuals.
If one chooses to be a transsexual why does one sometimes behave like a slut.
If you claim to be a ladyboy.
Why do you never behave like a lady? Or like a boy.

I can accept it one is a transsexual but behaves like a lady.
A lady doesn't do the following , and the same goes for a boy.
And here is Bella Manje.
Showing us just why some people have such hatred towards
transexuals.

Oh yeah.
You had better start thinking of a happy place or happy things
in case things get a little unbearable.

Don't worry I'll do it with you.




Now Bella.
POSE FOR ME BELLLLLAARGHHHHHHHH.



Yes..
Yess...Yesss.
Disneyland...Minnie Mouse...Donald Duck...


Ok we made it through the first one.


Ok.



Hit me Bella.















OH GOD.
PINK FLUFFY BUNNIES WITH LITTLE PINK BOWTIES
BOUNCING.YES BOUNCE LITTLE BUNNIES BOUNCE.



Ok Bella.
Now do The Toad.
















Oh how my eyes hate me now.


Cover up Bella! Cover up for crying out loud!





















Oh why do I even bother.



Enough! Enough I say!

Ok maybe one last one.






Alright, contain your happiness Bella.


Now I am in need of some serious help , but do watch this video
of my dear friend Ahmad as I try to decontaminate my eyes with
several bottles of Dettol.


Don't worry .
It is indeed a very hilarious video.
And my friend Zip , even found the dudes in the video
prettier than most girls.

lol.















Now wasn't that shit entertaining.
And I thought when I had to see Zaini scream it was already hilarious
enough.





Hahahahmadahhaha.




You should check out his channel.
Provides more entertainment than the fucking crap they
put on T.v these days.
With girls bouncing and shit.
How can you not dig that shit.

See Ahmad.
There really was nothing to worry about.






Hahahaahmadhahahhaha.

Oh Ahmad.



Till Then ;

Mucho Love ,


The Critic

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